Dear Mom,

i hate coming to you with problems because you don't listen to me. You hear something you want to hear from me and use it as a battering ram. I realized i couldn't even ask you to just not speak badly about me in front of my friends today when you alienated me from the one person who has been here with me, supporting and helping. I heard the things you said under your breath and I'm sorry that I wasn't the one who died. That you didn't get all the money and sympathy that Aunt Jill is getting. You're petty and you disgust me but i am also sorry for you. You are a sorry, sad, pathetic thing, with your actusations and disgusting jealousy. It makes me sick when you reduce everything to money, including the human lives of every relative who has asked for our family's help or passed on in our care. You call me useless and pathetic and that is a lie. I am praised by everyone but you. Calling Daniel a better child than I am to you shows me how short sighted you are and won over by superficial flattery. Beginning your disgusting and cruel argument while i had a guest over was the last pain I'm going to let you cause me. You are not a mother to me, you are an obstacle. You are something i have to get over, forget and pretend never happened. Even after your pass, the pain, scars and emotional dysfigurement you've passed down to me will last for a long while. And that is something i will deal with, without your negative sphere of influence corrupting my efforts.

Current Music: Non-Objective Portrait of Karma - Circle Takes the Square

I made that last post hours before I found out that beans was dead.


He died.


Smashed, crushed, killed, murdered. however you say dead, that's it.

I miss him. I miss our lives and i miss the songs and the laughter.

I miss not hating my mother and her every word. I miss Beans and his laid back view of everything.



Godspeed Beans.