this is not a real title

slap me, make sure i dont feel like this forever. I am so fucking emo right now i swear to all that is unholy.


i hate me sometimes

Again... Again... Recycle emotion

Up late, even though i have a long day tomorrow. Tomorrow will be my first deadline day and. . . my. . . I am very into the newspaper thing already. And Akim. *slouch* i dont really know. i mean. no, i dont really mean anything. This, this whole thing with him, is self-destructive, which is probably why i like it. Me makes me think things about myself that i would rather not believe. Like how impulsive my true nature is. I cant handle anything long term like this, but it isnt really anything so i cant end it and i dont really want to. Lately the desire to up and take a bus to L.A. and having ridiculous sex with Akim for a weekend has been drifting into my daydreams. I miss th treatment he would give me, making me feel good about myself and like i was a beautiful person, like all those pictures of people i see. i need to stop fooling myself

In the newsroom, dum dum dumdumdumdum

As stated, i am in fact in the newsroom. Journalism class is a really kicker. I have been offered a chance at becoming editor. WTF? i have been on newspaper staff a total of a week today. Needless to say, wow. I am excited and i would love to help and do this. I mean, my god. My parents would probably be excited. Not as excited as the guy next to me's parents. They bought him a laptop for being promoted to editor of the sports section. And i would be editor for features. My lord. But i kinda want to. I have to talk to our teacher, but Jessica reccomended me and i think that holds a lot more sway with Mr. Parks than anyone would want to admit. I keep typing louder as i become more emoted about this subject and no doubt that is bad for me and my inchorencey, because we all know i have a problem with that. Freewriting has to be the best thing i have ever practiced ever. It makes it a whoooole lot easier for me to pump out stories.


shit. . . clock on this computer is behind. i just talked with bill. . . im editor.


oh my

incoherency at its lowest

today was one of those do nothing days that fade into memory and end up having no relevance to the rest of your life ever again. I hate these days. My brother just offered me the best solution ever. He wants to invest in a condo and he wants me to move out with him. I am beyond excited. this could be just what i have been waiting for for the last year. I just hope this is one of his ideas that pan out instead of fading into the past never to be spoken of again, which is something that happens more often than you would tihnk. i havent done anything for my newstories yet except gather information. not rough drafted or anything yet and my deadline is wenseday. blegh. mister fert is looking at me and you know what? i like that. he is the one creature i wouldnt mind spending my whole life with. I know i always write so much about mister fert and about how much i love him but honestly he just makes me life better. I smile when he is around and he makes me mood immediately elevate. We fell asleep together for a while this afternoon and mom walked in and we both raised our heads and looked at her at the same time. It was cute and then we both fell back asleep on my bed. He is all asleep in his cage right now. No matter how much i try, i just cant sleep as much as mister fert.

I've been reading The Man in the High Tower (Phillip K. Dick) and it is just about as good as i've heard. Weird idea for anyone to think up but interesting. My music choices have been unusually eclectic lately. Juliana Theory, Mindless Self Indulgence, Otep and Pedro the Lion. Work music has been getting on my nerves. I cannot listen to one more pop-punk ironic cover of a top 40's pop dance hit from '99. There are more of those than you would realize. I feel like more of a regular at work every week. Which is nice because it seemed like everyone was fitting in better than i was, which, i have no doubt, is true. But it still isnt a nice feeling. And i havent put my books back in their shelves so i have two half loaded bookcases, an entier shelf of my closet covered with books and a gigantic box of books. organization and I never really got along.

School has been very fun. I changed my schedule around a bit. I open up the day with mass media and society move into asian religions take an hour break, newspaper staff to cultural antropology to english. Its a good busy day and i usually have work right after my last class. And i dont even have my last class on fridays, which is very nice.

My mind is all over the place right now. I cant sit and think about the same thing for more than a few minutes. Inbetween these half thought paragraphs i sit and stare at the screen without my glasses for a few seconds, wondering if what i have to type has anymore relevance to the previous sentence or if i am still just not able to keep a linear flow of conciousness. It seems no matter what i do my thoughst always seem to speed ahead of my fingers and i never get to catch up untill my thoughts lap me and im able to keep track of them again for a moment untill they speed up and away again. . . . it just happened agian now. i'll take it as a cue to stop

If this is something inside of me, i no longer wish to share residence with it.

Something, i dont know what, inside of me makes me angry, makes me scream and kick and want to hurt every single time people tell me that i am wrong when i feel that i am oh so very right. The problem, of course, is that i dont feel physical pain as. . . well, pain. I can cut and burn and dont want it. I want my pain. I want to feel awful and worse than i did so i can have some control over this monster that everyonehit and feel it but not flinch or not want it. It feels good again but i else can unleash at a moments notice. I could rip and fight right now. I hate and hiss and grate my teeth. This is not something i want right now. This is something that other people telling me right now. I dont want it to be telling me how wrong i am right now. I DONT WANT PEOPLE TO TELL ME IM WRONG RIGHT NOW.

and what happens when i say what i think is that i am worse. I dont feel pity for myself. I feel angry at me. No one seems to realize that the person i want to hurt most is myself.

Krista is still my name

*rubs face

i slept in way too late today. And i have church this evening. Which is always fun as long as i dont get harrassed about what taoism is. I took a stress test yesterday and dayamn. I am apparently very stressed out, even though i didnt realize it. I guess the meter went all the way up to the top everytime i said mom, dad, medicine, home, sleep, work, school, clothes, familiy, friends, love, or life. which is just about eveything i ever talk about. My room is coming out very nicely. The green walls help me feel much more relaxed and the tan walls just make me feel more at home in my room. and i sleep better on a made bed apparently. My hair color is fading, i need to dye it again. Work is fun, i do enjoy working at. . . where i work. I dont know what it is about work that is stressful but *shrug* i guess it is. Probably because people i dont want to see keep coming in there. I left school for a reason, to get away from all these people. Blegh. My friends from Ohlone are fun. We are getting a hotel room all together for next Fanime. I am beyond excited. Drunken exploits AHOY! ha. I need to think of something to wear for church. And i also kinda want to say "fuck church" and go to work tonight. I was offered a four hour shift but. . . church was in the way. I could use the hours, honestly. This semester is going to kill me. and then beat the dead body on the side of the road. I've been having some trouble with my family recently. I dunno, it seems like they stopped caring what i do with my friends at night. Its strange and unsetteling but i dont know how to bring it up to them without getting grounded. blegh

so i am off then. Getting dressed is sooo overrated.

hello, my name is krista martinez

ive been sleeping for a long time already. Mostly because i'm too lazy to do much else. There is this nagging in the back of my head and i dont know what to do with everything i havent done. Does that make sense? Not likely. Blegh, there isnt enough time, it feels like, to be doing anything with my life. i havent made my bed in weeks and iend up sleeping sideways and falling off all night. There are bags of clothes on my floor and bags of god knows what else. I've painted one wall of my room and that makes me smile because i love the color and it looks good. I still have three more walls but it will happen in due time. I'm going out with Ana tomorrow and that will be loads of fun i hope. I really do need to get out of the house more. I need to not be stuck here like a loser hermit. Which may or may not be true. I dressed as emo for work yesterday, it was fun. I also bought a shitload of crap, three shirts, two pairs of socks, a shirt for annie, and a pin for Dr. Fisher. my boobs feel hot and i'm still tired.


cold shower.

anyway, it would be nice if someone called me. I just hate feeling like everday is uneventful