Drive

Current Music: Deathcab for Cutie - Transatlanticism

I'm too old for the internet.

I'm too old to be unable to talk about my problems without the safety of a glowing screen. I can't open up without the ability to shut it down, immediately, with no repercussion. Being well-adjusted has never been my strength. I value escape and find myself wanting to provide it to others because I know how hard it is to find. I don't have one.

I'm not trying to escape a situation anymore. I'm not heaving against my odds or adversarial people. I haven't fought for years, physically, against anything. I'm stuck in myself and the internet is a place that I can make up what that means rather than the values and identities that are so firmly established in meatspace.

I love my friends. I love Vunc and Chugs. They are both amazing, kind, caring, giving friends who love me back. I just can't share with them the way I can with strangers because they have been there through most of it. They know the specifics and details of all my worst experiences and have their own interpretations of events. The safety of strangers is in how they only know what I share. No one has cracked me on the internet. No one has been able to get past every barrier that I erect to be safe. Because touch.

Touch. An arm. A hug. A safe embrace that says that even without an immediate escape, I still want to be here. I still am going to take in your pain, heal it and lessen it. I still want to know you, even with all the fucked up idiosyncrasies and mistakes and insecurities. I want to make you better, share my own pain and let you heal me back.

This is why I don't date. This is why I don't touch. This is why I can't stop holding on.





Fuck Tecate.