Ha, what a fun day. I thought I was going to have to spend the last day of my weekend with my parents watching The Passion of Christ. Not that I don't want to see the movie, but not today, not now blah blah blah. Okay, so what did I do that was so great? I was rudely awoken by my sister with the phone for me. It was Ian. "hello?"
"hi. Krista?"
"yeah. Hi."
"are you home?" (mind you, this is my home phone number)
"No, never."
"oh, okay, alright..."
"okay, bye."
"later."
Two minutes later, I go to my front door in a sweatshirt, insanely huge yellow penguin boxers and fluffy green slippers and not only is it Ian, but somehow Bryan was at my house for the first time. Ha, what a hoot. I just looked at me and he had the funniest face, I think the slippers threw them both off. Well yeah, Ian is at the door, Bryan is behind him with the Asphalt Surfer in one hand and a Mountain Dew in the other and I am in the door in my boxers and slippers. What to do, what to do. Ha, so I invite them in and refill their Mountain Dews. We sit in my room and Bryan saw all my shit for the first time. I got dressed in the bathroom, cause I don't want to get naked in my room with boys. Ew, cooties. Ha, anyway. So I got dressed and mom made me get changed again because my pants were 'dirty'. So I changed my pants, Ian and Bryan mingeled with my brother, Duy and my mother. I was ready and we left the house but my dad caught me and my friends before we made it out of the drive-way. He talked with Ian about drums for a while then Frankie came out and we ran for it. We then walked to Phillips house, cause hey, Phillip is pretty cool, if not scary. We wanted to go to his house and just walk in and sit down without saying anything. But Phillip was in the front window looking down on us and flipping us all off. How did he know we would be coming? No one will ever know but goddamn it was creepy. He had to go into his parents room to look down on us through that window. Do you see? Crazy, he must have gotten a 'flip off people in front of my house from my parents bedrooms window' vibe. We all know about those. So we go in, without knocking and almost made it had I not shut the door the whole way, which made Phillips mom send me downstairs to close it before their dog got out. HUGE dog they had. So cute, one of the Alaskan husky type dogs with blue eyes and all the fur. So we left Phillips house and went to Popeye's, you know, the one by Save-Mart and Jack-in-the-Box. Ian and Bryan split an order of fries. We went to Jack-in-the-box so Ian could get a burger so I ran outside to the playground thing. Bryan thought I would "play in the balls" but, sadly, the big pit of balls was roped off. I played up in the tubes and with the kicking bags a while. Phillip came back with a Mountain Dew can so Bryan went off to get one of the same. I came down from the playset and put my shoes on just as Bryan got back and Ian started telling us about the woman who took forever to pick out what she wanted to eat then realized she none of the convenient means of paying available. Stupid woman. Ha, so Ian got his burger and they all finished off the fries. Then we all played in the jungle gym thing. Which was fun. I tried to get Bryan to play in the ball pit with me but after (GENTLY!) guiding him to the entrance, he wouldn't come in. Arr, next time. Ha. A little girl wanted to play in the playset so we got out. Then she ran back inside (with help from Bryan; the little one couldn't open the door herself). Our fun there was dead, so off we walked for Roberts house. Sadly, Bryan didn't want to go on with us. He wanted to go home. He felt kinda sickly. Poor kid. We walked to the bus stop, begged him to come with us but he wouldn't. I was at loss. Almost wanted to go home then, but we were off walking and I didn't feel like walking back and around to get home. So, after a long freaking walk to Roberts, we got there an our fears that he may not even be home were absolved. We played MarioKart and Mario Party on the GameCube the SSX3 on the PS2. Robert had a picture of me on his wall in his room. We played on this Star Wars game he had on his computer then my mom called and told me to wait outside. So Ian, Phillip and I said good bye to Robert and put on our shoes and stood outside the cul-de-sac or whatever it is called. Nice places. Anyway, my parents off them a ride, they turn it down cause they don't know what they are going to be up to next. Well, end up just going to Phillips house and Ian gets a ride from Phillips dad. Oh well, ha. So get home, do some chores, forget to clean my room and write in my blog. Oh, and I may get to go to a concert for this band Ian introduced me to, Elseworth. They rock. Serious. Anyway, time for bed. Night.

Okay, I completely did not follow through on finishing that post I started this morning. I changed the time a little bit on this post so it would go with my ranting for Thursday. I want to do something this weekend. Call me up, let us do something. Morgana, that means you. Or you Farin, cause now I know you read me too. Wuahaha. Ashley, let us make a sexually hostile environment at your house. Can you have friends over? Egh. Okay. Me, again, of course. Marisa wants to hook me up. With a hockey kid. If he is who I think he is, he is pretty... Bad. And Marisa admitted he has a smoking problem. I don't want to deal with that for a guy. A friend? Any day, but some guy? Way too much of a bother. Frankie (my brother) is my god. I love him. I want to be more like him. He is so freaking cool and awesome. He bought me a huge pack of batteries. Cause I always run out on all my shiz. MD player, keyboard, mouse, gameboy, just random stuff. So, yeah, that and he is super cool anyway. I want to get some more makeup I wont use but in pretty colors I like. Such as those sweet grays and gray/rose colors. And shimmer-y body shit I never use for fear of looking like a disco ball. I want to try that 'crunching' thing I did to my hair a while back. Okay, that Amanda did to me a while back. We were bored and I was a clean slate for that type of thing. And I wanted to see how it felt to be all made up and unable to move parts of my face due to weight of cosmetic products. It was a lot more fun than I had anticipated. Especially when mother saw it and just stared. Once she noticed that is. She didn't even look at me when I came in the door she just said "hi, did you do your homework?" and I said "yes, while my hair was drying" and I gave her three other, similar hints to look at me. Just didn't happen. Oh well, what do you expect. I have my bug box for Bio and I ordered my bug net. Ha, I get the brand spankin' new one. Fifteen freaking dollars. My good lord. But my own bug net. I can catch people. Or love! Ha, the world is mine. I just took my bra off through my sleeve and despite what movies from '83 might lead you to believe, it was not sexy. My contacts are slipping. Annie is stupid. Okay, that was just cause I needed to say it. My little sister Annie is a freaking retard. Oh well, at least I have a life. Her 'friends' pushed her off her own bed and chair. Ha, I would never let that shit fly. Ha, oh well. I want to go out... gahh. Oh well. I need a life.

Okay, new day. I can do this. I can get by on little to no sleep and a complete lack of love from the opposite of sex. Despite two nosebleeds I am still alive. This song is not helping me stay awake. Nor is the incessant barking of that little rat-dog helping either. I have to go to school today. I should be ready in four minutes but I am actually naked in my room at my computer chair telling the blogging community that I am naked in my chair blogging at four-to-seven-thirty-in-the-morning. What has been going on lately? Not much. The interesting people I have met have turned into, more or less, just weird. But in that almost-good way. Ha, that makes no sense. Egh, deal with it. I have the urge to just back into bed right now and refuse to leave for school on basis of my mental state. Okay, moving song onto Devil's Haircut. Which is a bit more of an 'awake' song. My shoulders are cold. I don't want to wear clothes. My geckos need food. I want some cold cereal right now. My ankle is substantially colder than the rest of me right now. Okay, boys. Had to touch that subject. I have a few that I would die to be associated with in that way. They are these super-nice, smart, funny guys, all three of them. I am friends with all three. I have helped one to heal from past romantic stuff in his life and he kinda describes me when he talks about what he wants his girlfriend to be like. One is so funny I practically urinate whenever he talks. This guy was cheated on but we barely talked about it. We kinda flirt, almost, but it is mostly me and I was actually cold. The third... I just met this year. I don't know what about him. He is friends with the other two. He is also pretty funny but not in the way of the second guy I mentioned. This guy also has a nice house with a freaking view to kill. That has nothing to do with him though, and I (sorta) thought he was really cool before I went to his house. In fact, I don't even know if I like him. But I think I do. Okay, finish this later. School. I will be late now if I don't hurry.

I LOVE ASHLEY KATHLEEN KIMURA! She is wonderful for any of you who have the misconception that she is anything but. I have one problem, and I am figuring that one out on my own. But yeah, I realize I don't say enough nice things about her. I guess I figure she hears nice things but I should say them because I think them too. She is amazing. She is so talented and has so much.... Destiny. She talks to me about anything. Hell... I spent so much time around her, we now have the same menstrual cycle, how cool is that? When she was gone, I missed her. When I am not around her, I wonder where she is. I love her. If I was a guy I would want to marry her when we got older just so I could live with her and get a tax break. We could adopt multi-cultural children. I love you. I love how you accepted me into you and your family. I feel like I belong when I am around you. Like I am wanted. Maybe, just maybe, like I am needed. When I am happy with you I cant write, I cant draw, I cant rhyme, I cant flow, I cant do any of that artistic crap that I can do when I am angry at the world. I am happy with you. you kept me from forever idolizing Fujii, thank you. you would open your door to me if (when) I ran away from home. Or I would open the door myself, that is just how comfortable I am with you. you are the only person to have seen my breast, even if it was only one of them, on accident. Your family rocks. I love you sister like my own sister (well, not like I love my actual sister, cause we all know about that). Your lesbian attacks on my viginity make me scared, in that I-love-you-but-back-off-my-vagina-but-not-really-cause-I-secretly-want-you way. ndljshfiouqbkjav, I love you. I don't have close friends. I am not very good with long-term friends. I tend to screw things up and leave it that way. I cant really do that with you. I feel like I am attached to you at the temple. We think alike. It is a little scary sometimes. Ian though your profile was my *other* profile, cause they were just that similar. Which is creepy to most people, but it makes me happy.


You see why I don't blog so much about happy stuff? I sound like a homosexual, lunatic, incoherent freak.

Exit in rear

Hate hate hate hate. I feel like shit and am full of self hate right now. fuck you all. I don't need your shit. I don't need the stress you put on me. I don't need to be feeling so inferior to you. I want to be loved. goddamnit. Not even my mom loves me. fuck it all. I need to clean my room. I need to set up that protest in front of KFC. I need to get my shit together, but, I don't fucking feel like it. I want to sit down and have a nice chat. I am so fucking pathetic. It is sick, disgusting, repulsive. I hate myself so much right now. I hate people who assume stupid fucked up shit about me. Most, if not all, of the time, you are wrong. Oh yeah, I hate you, I hate what you stand for and I want to leave you all behind.

I miss. I miss Ashley, I miss being held and I miss being important. I love it when people talk to me. Online, on the phone, fun up to me on the street, anything. I am a foot note to everyone. The inside of my lip is burning because I forgot that I chewed it up and I drank orange juice. Burns like a mother fucker. Goddamn it. I hate everything right now. I am nothing I want to be. I guess the whole guy thing is a pathetic side effect of this insufficiency I feel. Like I am empty and useless. If you read this, please, make me important.

I think I am in like/love. Yeah. I do. he is nice. And funny. And cute. And he talks to me a lot. he makes me feel wanted, not even in a sexual way, just like I am fun and a good person to have around. Like I am worth spending time with. Like maybe, I could be someone who is worth it. I want to spend more time with him. There are actually two guys who fit this right now. I realized cause I was going to start talking about the other. I need more of these guys in my life. Less of people who make me want to run away, crawl into a corner and die. Crappy poetry anyone?

my leg itches, my nose is sore and my lip is still burning.
I am just all sorts of fucked up today

I wanted to go to a supposed party today. Apparently it was cancelled because he forgot to invite anyone but me. I tell myself that it is true and I am not just another hanger on again. Shoot me, now. I hope not I really hope not. Maybe though. And if I am not bad enough already, they will read this now and know how pathetic and stupid and dependent I am.

I am not Ashley.

I have a firework. I have the morbid desire to light it and hold it in my hand. I have an equally morbid desire to cut it up and see what else I can make out of it.

you know, this, all the doubt and confusion and hate and self-loathing, probably comes from David. I imagine it was dug up in my again since he came to the school looking as happy as ever. And Ashley left me to hang out with him. Second choice all over again. Too bad I would still give up anything to make sure she was happy. I would give up anyone. But then, she is worth it, I am not.

I am going to get into shit for this post

but then I have to get it out anyway. Please, read the disclaimer. I don't need people to get on me about this. Get mad at me, scream at me, make me want to rip at my face till I get at what really makes me mad.

I miss the penis... But is that so wrong?

Dearest guys who have rejected me over the years,

why? Why am I so repulsive? I have tried. It isn't like I had low self-esteem before you. I thought I was pretty. I thought I was funny. I thought (inside joke coming) I was the fastest. I mean, now I know I'm not, but I thought I was awesome. So low self-esteem is not an excuse for why I am so disgusting to you. It has been a cycle since I started to like guys and it goes on and on. I get rejected by every guy. Morgan doesn't count in this because... he was different. People will tell me I am nice and funny and pretty but why does it feel like they are lying and all the guys who flinch or laugh when they find out I think they are really nice/cute/cool/hot/sweet. I want to be liked. Goddamn it, by someone who isn't a freshman or mentally retarded. Yes, that happened once. No nice guy thinks I am nice. Only the creeps, pot-heads and internet-stalkers like me. I want someone who wants me for who I am. Or at least has the capacity for it. AM I ROMANTICALLY CURSED???? You think someone would tell me if I was, you know? What is it about Ashley? What is it about her that makes her so magnetically attractive? I am not going to become her even if that meant I would be as apparently hot as she is. I just wish I knew. So I could understand. That is really all I want to know. I know that I am not going to be happy if I have a boyfriend, or even a nice guy who thinks highly of me. I figure I will live alone with my cats when I get older but it would be so much a comfort if I knew why I was the one cursed to live with felines all my life while all the other girls are out having fun and laughing as I die of an asthmatic attack. Goddamned cats. All I want is to be held and cared for. Is it really all that much to ask? And no, I am not going to settle for someone who is just going to hold me back from life. And who cant kiss anyway. Is that really all you think I will ever get? Because, if that is true, I would like to die right now. I have the razors, I will do it, just to get on with it, be judged, go to hell and wait it out. Why me? For all of this, why am I the one to be put down and held. Not that I am never happy, sure, I am. That isn't a good excuse either. What is it that makes me so unattractive? You know, I have never been approached at a mall, theater, anything, by a guy or girl. Is it just me, or is that beyond sad?

sincerely,
that fat girl you wouldn't ever think of in "that way"

mood- pathetic

Man, like stated above, I feel pathetic. Like nothing in my life is worth it. I am feeling less and less comfortable in my own skin. Like I don't know what to do with any part of my body. Or what to say or anything. I am just getting so freaking weird in my head. It is kinda scary to me because I like to know what I am doing. But I don't so yeah. I kinda just want to have someone here right now to tell me something good about me. And now that mom and dad are back home from their Mexico vacation, I know I am only going to hear some fucked up shit about me. It fucking sucks. I want to say some thing about this guy who seems so nice and funny but I have no idea how long I am going to feel like I do if nothing happens again. So that will be over in a few days. I felt like crap today. I even showed someone I barely know my arms. And I don't do that. But I made sure that he knew that if he told anyone, I would rip off his ear. And keep his hat. Ha, I told mom that I was watching Rules of Attraction with Ian and all she said to me was "You are going to give me a stomach ache." I really hate having a sick mom. I know how cold hearted that sounds but I do. It puts so much stress on me but I cant say anything cause, if I do, I am being stupid and selfish. So I keep it all in and nobody can figure out why I hate myself so much sometimes. I want some one who isn't going to ask about my mom before they ask about me. Some times, I want to be first. It doesn't have to be all the time, or even most of the time. Rarely would be perfect. But never, never am I thought of first. Not even in my own head. I have to put everything in front of my own needs goddamn it and I don't want to. I am so fucking sad and upset and fucked up right now. I want to figure out how to asphalt surf. I want to be loved. I want to get some action. I want someone to look me in the eye for longer than in passing. I want to party and stay out late and laugh because I can't not laugh. I don't want to be faking it. I want to feel part of the group. I want to be considered. I want to matter. But I cant have any of it. So I will get mom her water and pills, I will clean the kitchen and make something for Dad to eat, I will wash and iron Frankie's clothes so he might pay me attention instead of money. I will do everything I can for everyone else and wish I was in the dark, holding hands and being understood. Then laughing without having to push the sound out from my throat.

ha, guess what

okay "bio class" is fun. i am kinda tired right now and i want to sleep. I miss people. I want to be loved by a goddamned boy. Oh, and i missed out on proving i was straight today. Poor Bryan, he is fighting a losing battle here. woah, sperm skeleton. Man, i am going to get off the bio class computer cause i am supposed to be watching a movie on cavemen right now.

Ugh, so my old template is back mostly because I can not deal with those archives. The blogger support told me that the only way I could feasibly do it would be to put links on every single one of my posts. Ohm, excuse me, but fuck no. Okay, I bought crayons today. That was my big highlight. No, really. I got this really cool box, the old school ones with the flip open top, not those thin cardboard ones they sell mostly now. I got a lot of colored stuff today. Crayons, colored pencils and a seventeen variety pack of sharpies. I love it. I am trying to draw a penis for Ashley. It is harder than you would think. I am going to go to bed now. I just didn't want to leave my blog with no actual post of, you know, words. I have been a but lazy on that lately. Oh yeah, Saturday, I went paintballing for the first time. I went with the paintball club and I wore my cameo and all. I still got hit. Though Pieter was nice and he didn't light me up when he had the chance, the crazy boy. Ha, my feminine charms at work. I did get hit, right in the mouth, with a paintball pretty early in the day though. And Andrew lit me up while I was trying to un-jam Fuji's gun behind a barricade. Crazy boy with his ridiculously good aim. Then, as I was walking off the field to clean my gun, Pieter shoots at me. He doesn't hit my, but the gun and I tell him that for christ's sake, I am out already. Ha, it was a blast. And there were quite a few hot guys walking around without shirts. Ahh... Beautiful.

mildly amusing for the cerebreally inadaquate

EmoTurm: *frolic*
SHQIPERI: *shank*
EmoTurm: *bleed*
EmoTurm: aghhhh!!!