Monday, the day of my brothers birth

I always end up blogging so late in the day that the header shows the day before. this is mildly upseting and slightly disorientating. I have yet to sleep so for me, it is still monday. My brothers birthday was today, didnt do too much because he was already half beat because he was giving a speech at some crazy wedding over the weekend in vegas. Sounds like it was fun. Clint was the best man, which makes me giggle a bit. 18 does not feel a damn bit different that 17, which is a little dissapointing. I need to get out. luckily i work tomorrow morning. which is always nice, you know.

yeah


im done

a saturday night

My friends are awesome. and Melanie, my flclincestuallesbianavuncular is super too. i left all my food and my presents in Omers car though. including my cheese. . .


DAMN YOU KAHN!!!

yeah.

i love the cheesecake factory. Gabe treated us to hookah and i bought our meals and cheesecake and you know what?

i could give two shits about the money because i was just happy to be there with my friends and mel and to be having fun and to feel so good about myself. just sitting there with all of them and having conversations around and smiling. i wish it just hadn't ended.

birthday breakdown

my birthday was amazing and i loved every minute.


18

like a motherfucker.

the day before the day before my birthday.

And yes, that is in fact a valid "special day", as is the whole week of ones birthday.

I'm cleaning my room out in anticipation of new paint on these boring white walls of mine. I'm thinking natural greens, tans and browns. Because, everyone would love to have a forest for a bedroom. I know i would.

San Andreas is super fun. soooo. . . many. . .hookers. GAH! i love.

I'm kinda still in dire need of male companionship. I refuse to call Akim anymore, now that he is gone, it seems pointless. Boyfriend are a huge ego and self-esteem boost. the assurance that you are desirable and there are people who want you. It's nice. and also something i dont get nearly as often as i feel i should. In time, in time. . .

Is it special? When you're lonely? Is everything different? A new perception? One without need or desire for outside influence? Or a lust for acceptance and place in society?

i fancy myself a former.

*hums The Longest Winter from Pedro the Lion*

driving test woes

my second permit test. And i studied hard for it too damnit.



good thing i gots me a perfect score.

and frankie is baaaack home

something for which i am supremely glad. I missed the damn booger. A lot. Even if we dont get to talk very much i still feel better after each little conversation we have. I stayed up to get a chance to say hi to him. Blegh, anyway, i should sleep, i have my permit test in the morning. Geh, i'm, three days short of eighteen and just getting to driving. Pshay

Mister fert is upside down with his tongue stuck out.

My room is such a mess and is it really such a bad thing to like it this way? I am actually starting to be able to really be able to keep up with the mammals in my room and I know if I wanted to I could make time to keep all my own crap organized but I don't like it that clean. I tend to be quite scatterbrained myself and a neat and tidy thinking place just doesn't do it for me, whatever IT is. Would my room still be my room if it was clean, bed made, all my books shelved, vacuum lines in the carpet, all fresh like an ad for healthy teenage living? I doubt it. My hair is cold and wet right now, compliments of the freezing showers I take to help keep my hair color bright. Thank god Michele fixed that pink crap, but really. . . Did she need to go all out with the black temporary dye? Oh, I got this awesome poster in Avila. I'm using it to decide my whole room scheme. It's an Absinthe Robette print and I was in love when I saw it. But then again. . . The love of krista is more fleeting than mister ferts obsessions. Green, tan and blue. It will be my room of awesomeness. And I am finally getting rid of that broken dresser. Man I hate that thing. My neighbors want it because its good oak but fuck. . . The whole thing is warped and only two drawers actually fit and one of those has the bottom falling out into the drawer below it. Silly neighbors and their poverty. I still haven't unpacked from the beach. And I really can't wait for my birthday, my mom took me shopping for my birthday outfit and I ended up getting three strapless dresses, two jackets, shoes, a shrug and another flower pin. I love my employee discount. I love it hard. I'm doing my ink work lately, finally giving charcoals and photoshop a break. I'm still getting used to my brush pens and trying to work with the idea that pressure doesn't change the color as much as just picking up a lighter or darker gray pen. I like monotone. I also like febreze. And mister fert. I like him more than anything else. I don't know how I will ever get by without his funky lil face pressing against the bars to beg me to let him out.

forgot. . .

i had another sex dream last night. There was a school music/comedy thing and one of the performers was the black guy with a semi-fro that had a red streak in it, kinda like my new hair color. and he was almost flirting with me and i was trying to get him to notice me and then he told me he was interested in Taylor, another guy. I asked if he was gay and he said no but he just wanted taylor and taylor wanted him. When i turned around taylor ws with another guy and the guy i was interested in was walking away upset. he told me how he knew taylor would do something like that and so i gave him a hug and kissed his neck blah blah blah and he said he really needed an angry fuck so i undid his pants blah blah blah, we had sex and then we got lost inside a ghost house that was haunted by Matt Damon and that other guy always around him. . . Ben something. We had sex inside a bathroom inside the house. I was. . . very indisposed when i woke up.

I just barely woke up

and i know this will be a bad day already. Everyone is griping, dad is hung over, mom is feeling in one of her complaining moods and i'm. . . I'm just sick of everything and everyone always asking me if i took my goddamned pill. Mister fert still makes everything so much better. He rolls over and licks my face and all i can d is smile and admit to myself that things are not so bad.

back from pismo

well. . . okay, i've been back for a while but i didn't have an adaptor for my computer. Anyway. My 18th is next thursday. I'm excited in that weird way. Mom bought me a bunch of birthday clothes today. It's kinda a thing our whole family does. The wekk before someone birthday they get to pick out outfits and buy almost all of them. And the everything besides the outfit they wear on their birthday in wrapped and considered a gift. I really hope i get a motoscooter. Me and dad have picked out some really cool ones and i think it would be awesome. Monday i take that silly little drivers test and i am beyond ready for it, im to the point where studying is just boring because i know everything i need to know. I can't wait to get jamie here. It's going to be really awesome. and fun. and i really cant wait. Oh, pismo was fun. I spent pretty much the whole time in the water. My hair got bleached out courtesy of the sun and salt for five or six hours at a time. Dark purple turned to cotton candy pink. i got it dyed again today and the lady did some weird shit where my hair is almost all black with a purple chunk and a red chunk. and my purple bangs of course. i hate black hair. seriously. black hair does NOTHING for me. Stupid salon lady/bitch/whore of babylon. the bird likes the red and mister fert loves me no matter what so its really not that big of a deal in the long run. as long as he loves me then it must not be so bad.

grooming fert

people suck a whole lot compared to fert. If people were more like ferrets i think i would get along with everyone a whole lot better.

My mom is yelling at me and being stupid. this whole stupid vacation idea is crap and i hate it, i dont want to go with my familiy right now. All i want to do is sleep and ignore everything. mostly sleep though. and smoke. Lots of smoking. my life feels like it is fake right now. I dont feel at home with anything I'm doing. it makes me want to just run away and forget i was ever in my situation. if there is anything more i want, its nothing i cna conciously think of right now. My school schedule is fun this fall.
1 ANTH-102-04 (024516) Cultural Anthropology 7 7203 LEC MWF 01:00PM 01:50PM K. Amherd 3.00
2 PE-360A3-01 (025499) Beginning Badminton 9 GYM LAB MWF 11:00AM 11:50AM J. Peterson 1.00
3 ENGL-101A-23 (024921) Reading & Written Composition 2 2207 LEC MW 02:00PM 03:15PM
J. Hurley 4.00
4 PHIL-110-01 (025539) Intro to Asian Religions 3 3101 LEC MWF 10:00AM 10:50AM J. Van Vleet 3.00

and i'm going to pick out one more one unit class to bring me up to an even 12.00 which is something i've been fighting tooth and nail over with mom. She doesnt think i can do anything. she is always holding me back, it seems no matter what or how well i do. To have a mother who has no faith in me is hard a lot of the time. She told me i could never get another job, last semester she told me that i would never get good grades doing school and work but hell, i still have my 4.000 gpa and i often remind her of that. i like having my days full. I dont want to sit at home with her reiterating how i am useless, dont do anything to help, smell and cant and wont suceed at life in general unless i follow her plan. She is even trying to get me to give up the flute, the only instrument i have ever been able to naturally play well. I dont know what to do about her sometimes. its stupid and i hate feeling how she makes me feel. If i didnt know better, i would say she hates me more than any other one person.

the beach with the church and the family

it turned out well enough. Our car was filled with these extremly annoying children who thought i wias the coolest thing ever because of my job and it made me just want to slap them and kick them and you know, commit general acts of rage. I didnt.

I brought Fert with me, which is the best idea i have ever had. He made everything bearable and he is cute and i love having him around with me, especially places i am not comforatable at. When i have Fert, people dont stare at me, they stare at him and he loves being stared at because that means ear scratches and pettings and treats.

Sibling antagonism

My sister is a huge bitch. I don't know why she is, she just is.

You see, I've been sentenced to help my local Christian fellowships youth group as sound tech and attendee. The problem is. . . I'm Taoist. So I tend to just go with it but I do have to tell quite a few people to back off because I am not Christian and me praying to their god would be blasphemy. But I go. And I go to church happily because what else can I do?

today is a beach trip. So me, mom, dad and my sister are going, so of course, my sister has to make a huge problem of it. She yelled at mom for two minutes, dad called and she held the phone and tried to act all sweet to dad saying she just wanted to stay home to watch her dog. Now she slammed a door on me when I was trying to give her a pin I bought for her yesterday when I was out with Anna and Omer. She just doesn't have any sense of decency or common human behavior. Its annoying and it makes me angry to watch her act like this. I read to passages from the Tao te ching already just to feel more calm and to help myself just go with this. But it is hard when I've been watching this stupid girl act like this since forever whenever there is something she doesn't want to do. She makes everyone around her miserable. And unfortunately, it usually works for her.

I will not be angry. I will not let my emotions determine what I am. I will just be calm and let this be just another obstacle that I can easily surpass.

birthday woes. But not really

my mom is bribing me to get my drivers liscense.

She knows my kryptonite too. She says she will buy me a vespa for my birthday if i get the damn thing. a vespa. A nice, new shiny one. I could go back to the Arlen Ness mueseum and pick any one i liked.

and a vespa would be good you know. I wouldnt be able to hurt anyone else on one. i would just be a danger to myself and thats fine by me.

a few changes

no more comments for one. If the need is there, send an email. I keep track of those better. for your instant gratification, there is an AIM link as well.

*rubs temples*

Akim moved. There goes the longest *thing* i ever had.
i got a new job. I'm busy there and i like that.
I have a headache. it really isnt that bad at all, just annoying.
food lost a lot of appeal to me.
smoking is just a pastime, i didnt take up cigarettes, thank goodness.
all in all, im okay. I'm writing haiku. Haiku and spoken word.
my art is not getting better at all. Lots of charcoal work lately.
akim once told me i look sexy with charcoaled hands and smears of charcoal on my forehead.
he said a lot of things to me that werent true either.
my ferret keeps me company.
i love fert more than the world.
I miss gabe. i miss my old friends.
i miss people.
some people just. . . they dont know who i am.

and all in all, that is okay.