Oh no! She does what she wants!!

Current Music: Clint Mansell and the Kronos Quartet - Hope Overture

I am coming to the ever so steady realization that there are more than a few people i miss at any given point. Whenever I'm not with her, i miss melanie because i am always thinking about things and i can always tell those things to mel. I love her and i love talking to her or even just sitting with her and being close. She is always there for me and i love the times i'm actually with her.

I miss Heather. Damn. Without my fucking phone i can't even call her or txt her. It fucking sucks. She is bubbly and fun and so bloody adorable. We had some fun times. You know, that really is it. She is fun, in a lighthearted, carefree way. I miss her. Quite a bit actually.

I miss the FUCK out of Gabe. I need to see that kid soon. He's like an older brother to me, the fact that, logically, we should not get along at all but we do and it's great and that bastard needs to get his ass back here and hang out. I need to get my geek on.

I'm told I shouldn't, but i miss that rat bastard, Akim. We used to talk an awful lot. Fuck, we used to talk more when he lived hundreds of miles away. I feel like the closer we are physically, the more he separates from me mentally. In all actuality, he has been boring the fuck out of me. He doesn't go out anymore, we don't get tea, he never calls, IMs, visits. It's all on me. I just like having fun and talking and joking and singing and he just wants to sit at home, play WoW, go out with people from work and get high. It's. . . it's sad to me because i liked him for who he was at every point in time but now his big social activity is getting high. *sigh*. I don't know. I adore the kid but I don't want to keep putting my neck out for him. I miss how things used to be.

I miss Rich a little bit. Not as much as i would if either of us had more free time and hung out more but i miss him enough to really look forward to seeing the charming fuck. Okay, not so charming, more awkward and nervous but it is cute. I wonder if he occasionally thinks about me at the most random ass times, like i do. It's hardly a portion of my day but it happens once or twice, something happens and i wonder what he is up to. I'm a terrible girl, especially for the doll but, since he's willing to put up with me, I'm quite smitten with the guy. I kinda get a smile thinking about him. I guess it isn't so much missing him as thinking fondly about the time we do get to spend. Only a little bit of the tell-tale aching for his company.

I miss Jaime all the time because i never get to see her and, in all honesty, i feel as if we share a part of our hearts sometimes. That is all i can say about it, there is more to how i feel about her than words. I miss her all the time and wish i could share so much more of my life with her. I love her, with my heart and soul and mind.

I EAT BABIES!

Current Music: Daft Punk - Veridis Quo

My nose! It hurts. The left nostril. I don't know why, maybe a bug bite. I had crazy amounts of fun with Gracie last night. We all hung out at Dells except for Melanie which made me sad. Silly sickness. I hope she gets better soon, i love that girl to death and back.

Calvin is setting up an RP and i am all sorts of crazy amounts of excited. I haven't RPed in so long, outside of online RP games. And, if it is during break, that means GABOOON! and i miss him a lot. I've got my d20s all ready, like a real loser. God, getting my geek on will feel so good. I should tell Akim, i know he wanted to join in our last game before we all went different ways. And, since Scott is gone, we could use a fourth. I wonder if Rich plays. . . nah, it would be too much to hope for him to be into my super of most super geeky interests. I don't want to start thinking of a character yet since i don't even know if we are playing a White Wolf game yet. I would assume so, since we have all the books, but you can get pretty much anything free online anyway. Hmmm. . . I hope it is modern Werewolf. That would be fun.

I like pie. When come back, bring pie.

My room is a bloody mess right now. It'll start to bug me tomorrow, i figure. I should probably be getting ready to go. I have been giving clinic at Frankie's work every wednesday for the last few weeks. I like it. It's fun. And the tips kick ass.

A cold thought inbetween silenced heartbeats

Current Music: Daft Punk - Aerodynamic

I am way too awesome. Another day where i feel completely in touch with myself and how i am. Today was, apparently, the big day for everyone to compliment me and make me feel super. . . desirable, cared for, adored, loved, cherished, and good looking. If i were the person i was three or four months ago, i would be viciously jealous of myself. Even better, it isn't all because of a guy or because i'm losing weight. It's because i feel good about me. Weird, eh?

I like me, through and through. There is little i would change, outside my tendency to hate myself.

the past is a light train to unknown trash scapes

Current Music: Ellen Allien - Alles Sehen

*arches back*

I feel amazing. I feel like i could kick the asses of several different things all at once. I can take on everyone and everything without a problem right now because I am awesome.

I kinda want to smack myself upside the head for letting a guy make me feel anything at all, especially about myself but it is hard not to. there is something about the awkward way he acts and the touches and it's just. . . kinda what i wanted with akim. FUCK.

fuck fuck fuckity shit fuck.

I am a horrible, horrible, terrible, disgusting person. Jesus. I can't believe i even thought that. It's not even all that true. It's just something that sprung to mind and i typed it and Jesus tap dancing Christ. . . I'm completely in shock with myself. That isn't how i feel. Yeah, it would have been nice if things had worked out with Akim but he is not Rich and Rich is NOT Akim. Far from. Rich is, for one thing, nice. and sweet. and treats me with this funny thing called respect.

fuck it, i'm getting off that subject because it is making me angry with myself over nothing.

I felt good. He doesn't do all those little, quirky, outdated-yet-endearing etiquette things that i notice but he is simply amazing. That and he is bloody gorgeous. I feel lucky. Very. *sigh* I should sleep. My fucked up sleep schedule is out of whack, even for me.

Don't you feel it now?

Current Music: Fugazi - Life and Limb

I've been feeling pretty good lately. I like feeling. . . well, for lack of better words, liked. Being told I'm beautiful is such an amazing feeling. I've been given cute, hot, adorable, fuckable, nearly everything but just beautiful. This guy is so. . . bashful and cute and awkward and it makes me absolutely adore him. It might get old later but for now it is absolutely amazing. We're going flying and ice skating and all these really ridiculously cute things. i get to see him again tonight and i'm just. . . *le sigh*

I've never felt like the more experienced or self-assured one before. He asks me why i picked him and i can't understand why he doesn't see it. This. . . sense of uniqueness that comes off of him like waves, constant yet waning and inexplicably there. i feel so wanted in his arms. I feel gorgeous.


Not to mention that i look better than i have in ages. I'm losing weight like a fiend and my hair is red again and my chin is all defined and i'm getting these cute little flat abs and i feel so good about myself. It's great. I know i'm looking better and it feels good to have other people looking at me and knowing, for sure, that they aren't thinking "omg, what a fat loser."

i'm super giddy but, that could be the alcohol.

Almost as an after thought

Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Backstabber


you always struck me as the type to take it lightly

I've noticed that 2006 has been a pretty sparse year in this blog. Though, i can't say i blame myself. I've keep a pretty decent number of blogs going pretty well.

The sky outside my window is intensely pink right now. I mean the kind of pink that can only mean way too many chemicals in the air. Not beautiful, it makes me a little scared. Fuck it, i'll die before it can really start screwing things up. *shrug* Sad but true. Though, in all honestly, not a good reason to be this apathetic. I guess i'm in a destructive mood.

Wanna know a secret? No fucking way. Blogs always tell the one person you didn't want to find out. How useless are you? I'm just another fucked up kids from the 'Burbs, pretending to be more than she is. But, I have a ferret which makes me inherently better than anyone else.

I should sleep soon. I haven't in a long time. More than 28 hours ago. my stomach hurts so much. I hate this medication but i know i need it. I could puke right now if i hadn't when i got in the house three hours ago.

I have this mad crush on a guy right now. Okay. A couple guys. i need to make up my mind. I just don't want to. I like talking and joking and flirting and come-ons and it's all fun for me. if only i had some self control but, if i did, would i really want it?

patron saint of holy sacrifice

Current Music: Alkaline Trio - Fall Victim

i know i don't matter to him. I know it in my mind. Obviously i am not important enough to do anything for. I am easy to get to. I am always in contact and he knows he can get with almost anything against me.

I'm stopping that right the fuck now. I won't swallow lie after lie because i want him to like me. If he doesn't like me when i ask for the respect and kindness i deserve then FUCK it. FUCK IT TO HELL. i deserve a lot but mistreatment and degradation are not part of that group. I deserve to be treated well. I deserve to be treated special. Like someone who matters. Matters more than another random girl on the internet. I've been here. I been around. But these people who don't really know him. . .

i guess it is because she is beautiful. Like any boy, he wants the better of two deals and she is by far the better. Of course, i would be hypocritical if i said this was a bad thing. Just i don't throw one deal away, i try for as much as i can get. Not like i don't have the time for more people in my life. I have to admit though, i am insulted by the way he tries to make me not being mentioned in his journal or in his top friends on MySpace sound like something he did because i was on some moral high ground. "it's something i knew you didn't care about because it is so petty." Of course i care. I care about you. I want a sign, for me and anyone who cares to see could, that i am worth something to you, in your life to your friends.

do i get it?

no.

i don't.