Woah? New, all new, what's going on?[mood]proud[music]Chemical Burn by Dust Brothers

Woah? New, all new, what's going on?[mood]proud
[music]Chemical Burn by Dust Brothers
Hey, check it out. I did a whole bunch of new stuff and really re-did everything. Craziness. And the archives, on the new archive page I had to code myself, are done by day now because I cant get this template, that I downloaded, to align the posts yet. That and I kinda like it this way, you know?

so yeah, my life. Well, today I went to first period history, late again, but I did all the homework for his class tonight and the bit of extra credit that was available to catch up for the assignment I lost. Second period Spanish was hell, yet again. I got to class late because I went to get my binder so I wouldn't get detention the Sra. Sandoval tells me that if I am late again I will get detention. Well fuck me over twice and roll me in hay. What a bitch. I think I have to start studying for Spanish again because this is the part of the year that I stopped learning. Damn sports section of Spanish, I don't even know how many guys are on a sports team in English, damn it. Break was fun, I think. I don't really remember it. Just a haze of jokes and I think some of the floating members of out group were there, like Bryan and such. Bio was fun, as always. We watched about a half of an hour worth of this evolution video that was pretty boring but not really that bad. I had a good time, as always. I love that bio class. Then sociology was boring as all hell. We are watching the worlds more sleep-inducing film ever. EVER! But we are almost done with it and Cava cut the class off short so I had a few minutes to just chat with Jonathan. Lunch was okay. Ashley and Heather went to the Library for a while and I was left out with the guys cause I don't really like to be in the library unless everyone is in there. I stayed out and hugged Elis for warmth.. That and he smells really nice. And he laughs in his chest so I could hear it with my ear pressed against his sweatshirt and how he moves his thumb in little circles when his hand in on my shoulder... And I should stop mentioning these things... uhm, yeah. No, I don't have a thing for elis. I just happen to notice how attractive he could be to another girl who is better and nicer and prettier than I. Like all the other guys... There is someone better. Ooohhh.. There goes the self pity again. Ha, well, at least I caught it before I got all out of hand again. So yeah, I now need to go to bed. 11:19 is a bit late and I know I am going to have trouble waking up. And I will fall asleep in class. egh, falling asleep in class always gives me that funny taste in my mouth. Kinda like gelcapsules. Okay, so I think I am done for tonight. Good night all. See you soon.

Feel my fury

Okay, it is late on a school night and what am I doing? blogging of course, it is what I do. Well, I found Sita, Willy's girl. Man, she mentioned ash but not me, bizzatch. Ha. Anyway, what a weekend. I had mucho fun going to see The Last samurai with my second-cousin Lupe and my mom. And we went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant and I spoke Spanish to the guy then he started to speak extremely fast and fluent Spanish, I just nodded and asked for a burrito with no meat (veggie burrito was on the menu, he knew what I was talking about I guess) and a lot of cheese. He kinda go the point that I am not Mexican. Damn, I wish I had ethnicity. I just spent three hours watching anime and catching up on my favorite online mangas and I still am not Japanese, why oh why am I so plagued?My hair is in disarray right now because I was leaning on my hair in a very odd position to watch Cowboy Bebop. I am afraid that I will never again leave my bed once I find a way to get my monitor close enough to my bed. With all the wireless stuff, I may never have to leave my room beyond restroom runs. Speaking of which, I drank so much Mountain Dew today. I was out on a drive to the beach with my family, well, me, Mum, Dad and Annie (Frankie didn't wake up till about five at night or so, the lucky bastard). We ate at that Taco Bell by the coats in Pacifica and I wished I had my board with me, the surf was so nice, cold as all raging heck, but awesomely nice waves. Oh, and there were baby seagulls there, so adorable. And Saturday was so much fun. I went out with Heather, Romero and Rosana. First, we met up with Rosana at the Great Mall theaters and we were so afraid that Rosana had left because we were late, that the lord she walked up to us after a few minutes. We went to get out tickets and I paid in mostly change, which was actually a lot of fun. My buddy John from Drama class last semester was working there once we got in the door. We chatted a little, he is pretty quiet so mostly it was me talking and saying weird stuff, of course, then me and Rosana caught up with Heather and Romero in the actual screen-room-thing-a-ma-bobber. We saw Win a Date With Tad Hamilton and that movie was so funny and sweet, I loved it. It was mucho fun to watch with everyone. I so have a singed photo of the guy who plays Tad Hamilton. Man, he is hot, but the Pete guy in the movie is way hotter. So yeah, my weekend is now over and I don't know what to do. I know, theoretically, that the best thing to do now would be to go to sleep but as Bryan says, Damn Vulcan logic. And that is why I am here tapdancing on my keyboard. That and my shoulder blade on the right side hurts kinda and it is bugging me because I am not in my tilting chair of super-power-doom but just in a regular chair and I am leaning to one side to ease up on the shoulder. I look like half a hunchback. I want voice recognition on this computer so I can sit in bed and type by just saying what I want to. I know I would have very long posts if I could do that. And I would be able to say what I mean without stumbling over the words like I do when I type. That and I suck at typing which is funny considering how much typing I do in this damn blog. This is the one address I have done the most in and it isn't even my favorite. I still remember the first time I saw the blog post form. I had no idea what HTML and all that shizzy were. I have a few templates I want to try out for while. If they don't work, I will go back to this one, which has strangely kinda held on to my blog for a while now. I hate picture hosting and they hate me too, the bastards. I need to host all my images on the friends hook-up sites. Not very healthy, I am sure. Oh, and I am on some new med, no longer am I a slave to Zoloft, I am now a Lexipro junkie. This Lexipro stuff is nasty. I accidentally left the tab in my mouth and it started to dissolve, it was so bad tasting I almost threw up. Yeah, so I know better now, I am going to have water ready when I try and down the fucker. I know I have some work to do before classes tomorrow. Not much, I did enough of it this weekend that I am not stressing over that little bit. I can feel Valentines day getting closer now. And I know I will be alone and my friends will have guys who give them gifts and guys who wish they were with her. I will be the amusing"one-of-the-guys" girl who has no feelings and would never want to be treated like something to be taken care of. Or held. Or loved, damnit. Can you tell how bitter I am? I will sleep alone with only one of the dogs to keep the sheets warm in my absence. Almost makes me wish I had kept Timmy just to make me feel wanted. But, yeah, he was a little too into me and I know why. I hate to have used people but hell, it happens. Did anybody else notice the HORRENDOUS grammar on that little quiz below? The darkness one. Yeah, that grammar hurts me... Deep down inside.


P.S. ha, I think this is a bad sign but when I spellchecked that, it tried to turn "Lexipro" into "Lucifer."

Did I ever tell you

[mood]melancholy
[music]Beauty Never Fades by Junkie XL

I am tired and I feel kinda funky. It seems like all my perceived friendships aren't real and I don't know who loves me or not. I guess I'm just weird that way. That and I have a bunch of blue stuff in my hair and I am letting it sit there and it is making my hair all hard and weird feeling. I went to some new psychiatrist and I have the distinct felling that he could really care less about me. Which is probably true, now that I think of it. I am kinda sick of people who are paid to listen to me rant and talk. But now I have to go because there is some parenting issue that mom and dad have to put me in therapy. Bastards. Anyway, school was okay today. I had to change a tire today, which was amusing. It took a lot more arm work than I had expected. Jacking the car up and taking the lug nuts off were both bitches. But I got it done, I put on the spare and I felt proud of myself in all my greasy glory. My feet hurt too. I don't know why. I feel all sick and ache-y. But I have to go to school tomorrow and I need to make it through the whole day. I need to be in my sixth period English class to get our project done. I know the rest of my group is a bunch of slackers other than me and sorta that guy Mario. But Kevin and the other guys wont do shit, I know it. I am supposed to be the slacker but this time, damnit, I need to make sure the shit gets done. Cause it is my grade and all and I want to make sure I get a good grade this semester. I want to pull my shit together. You know, get stuff done and try to do something with my life. Yeah, yeah, we have all heard me say this before. I don't want to be a pathetic little loser, someone everyone can ignore, I'm not going to let everything overwhelm me anymore. I don't want to be that person ever again. argh, I still have some homework to do. Bio and history and Spanish. Yeah, procrastination. I don't want to go to school but I have to and that pisses me off. Ugh, bed now. I don't want to do that either... Except I do because... I am still tired.

God, my parents make me feel so bad even when they say they are trying to say something positive. Then they fight with each other and yell at me to ask why I am upset and when I sob harder they blame each other. God, I have to choke down bile to say goodnight so I can leave the room. I take all the blame so they can finish up the argument/conversation and I can go to my room to hate them and the world. I do everything I can to make them happy. I say no to my friends so I can come home for mom and help. Do I want to? fuck no, but I do. And I never mention it. Dad said that it wasn't like I have to give up anything to come home and do work for mom and when I said that I don't go out with my friends so I could come home and help if I can he started to mock me and do the whole "oh, poor Christina, just get the fuck over it" thing. So fuck it. If they don't know why they upset me, fine I wont tell them. I will take all the blame for the argument, no you didn't say anything wrong, I don't make sense, you said nothing wrong, you are alright, and I will leave the room and say I love you I love you too. And it is over. They feel better and I still feel like shit, but then that is better than all three of us and maybe Frankie feeling like shit, now isn't it? Sometimes I wish I didn't do everything for everyone else. I take on so much for the sake of others yet nobody ever seems to want to help me with my load. Then, when I release some of my stress so I can continue waking up and going out each morning, they all get upset at me and scold me. Why is that fair? Eh. I will never understand family, or human for that matter, dynamics.

Ah, my computer just twitched out and lost a huge post I did. It is okay, it was mostly a post about nothing. It was huge though, so I will mourn its loss. Schuby.org Is down right now so I cant get my pictures. Damn you schuby. Come back soon. I still love you though. Okay, so how am I? a little down right now. Frankie is being an asshole, no, not pedophile Frankie, Frankie my brother. Oh well, he can be as ignorant as he wants. Fuck him, I don't need it. Though it is odd that he turns into an asshole at the same time as Bryan because they have a lot of similarities. Oh well, my life is fucked over right now. Though I did have fun on Friday, I was too pissed afterwards to write about the good stuff. I went out to party with a few friends after the last final. I did good on all my finals, surprisingly. I did not study for a damn thing. Ha, just goes to show... Something, but I don't really care. I am in one of those moods. I went to church today, I should have been at church again right now but fuck that, I am not going to remind mom to make me go to that shit. There was a few hot guys there but the whole experience was not worth it at all. egh, church sucks, no matter which way you look at it. I am listening to my music really loud right now and wondering if mom is going to come into my room to bitch at me while I pretend I cant hear her. I think she is yelling from the front room right now. Eh, she will go to sleep soon enough. Hell, I think I will go to the freaky thing the new psychologist was talking about just to get away from the family. Think of this new school thing boarding school for freaks like me. Not so much fun but a lot better than my family. That and I will likely pass my classes faster because it is specialized tutoring. I can make up problems for them to fix and stay there as long as I need to pass high school. They like to solve your problems, I find. Too bad no real mistake is as easy to fix as I make it for all those doctors. I think I have to make a private blog soon here. Too many of the wrong people are reading this. And often. And they are telling more wrong people about this. Fuck it. I don't need these people on my case too. I have enough advice, help and therapy, more than I want or will ever need. So back the fuck off of my jock. Bizzatch. This is entertainment. Okay? No need to flap your mouth off to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Unless you don't know me, then blab away. This is for the people who know me, where I live and whom I talk to on a regular basis. Yeah, you. Oh well, not you take this in to mind. Egh, I hate that. Okay, I think I will see if I can use a private blog. That will make this one shit. And it wont be nearly as interesting to write or read, and nor will the other one, if I go through with it. But I must suffer for one. If I can. egh, I hate this. Why is everything so fucking confusing. Oh, on a bright note, DAVID IS GONE! Jesus, he has been rubbing it in my face and being such a bitch to me for so long now. And nobody cares about it because.. I don't know. I guess I don't really matter in that respect. Well, he is leaving for adult ed because he is an idiot. And I know Ashley will miss him and he will always be over at he house and I will always be jealous because he wanted her first (of course) and because she doesn't care how much it hurts me to have him around and how much it hurts to have to keep all those mean things inside because she doesn't want to hear it. She will do anything for me... As long as it isn't too hard for her to do or doesn't inconvenience her. I am in such a bitchy mood. You see? This is why I cant have people I know reading this because they always get hurt and read only what they want to. That and they get mad at me for writing in my fucking blog, diary, journal. Oh well. I don't know what to do. This is what I have. It is here and I don't feel like moving it yet. It may not seem like a big deal but it is hard to move a blog. And to start on a new one. It is harder than most people will give credit. Yeah, well, suck my big imaginary penis. I am going to see what I missed on the net while the Ethernet in my house was down.

too fucking pissed for titles or pictures.
Argh... Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I hate people. I hate trying. Even when I am trying my hardest, nobody cares. goddamnit. I hate this shit. If you are so fucking perfect, great for you, I'm not. I have my own ways. I have my own system. I have what works for me. And I DON'T need to be judged by your hypocritical ass because I am able to confront something we all do but deny. I am so sick of being judged. I make who I am, I don't need you to label me. I guess I am just another two dimensional fun. Maybe if people reject to writing in a journal online they ought not read them. I have no other journal. I cant write very well if I know that no one will ever read it. Why the fuck am I justifying myself? I don't need to speak up for shit. What I do is what I do. How I cope is how I cope. If you want to know, you can know. I wont let it show, I wont say, I tried to tell one person, one person and he said to me that it wasn't funny and it wasn't cool. People think you would forget the things you say to them but I remember it all. Goddamnit. I thought I could share to someone's face. I thought I could. damnit I cant though. I write letters you will never read, I write poems Morgan will never hear. I write them here. I write them so maybe someone else can be who I wanted to be. Can see where I went wrong. And why the hell and I justifying again? fuck it all. I am so sick of this. I cant stand all of this shit. I don't want to have to suck it in and take your abuse. But I do. I take your abuse out of me some how you fucking bitches. You tell me to stop but you are only the fuel for the fire. You try and stomp out the only other alternative I have, tell me that it is stupid, I cant have my blog I cant be open I have to hide I have to keep it all in myself. Fuck you, I am going to get it out one way or another.


GRAND JUSTICE
You judge my life
my clothes my friends
Based on nothing
you guess who I am
by how I look
what you should see
is my soul
my thoughts, and pains
then you might understand
what it means to me
to be who I am
day in and out
why I laugh and smile
or cry and pout
at the injustice of you


2:48 PM 10/4/02
I'M JUST PEACHY KEEN
I damn myself and all my old lies.
How I try too fucking hard to be,
someone loved by all of you guys.
Its killing me inside now, cant you see?
I hate all of myself all of every day
I am being someone who I'm definitely not.
but when you see me its all okay
I think that all I want is my scars to infect and rot
and all that I'll say to you now
is I'm okay I'm fine and I'm alright.
All I can wonder now is, how?
How didn't you know I was in a fight?
I had to fight me for my own goddamn life
because me was unfair, me fought with a knife

God, I am so tired of doctors. That and I am tired because of finals and such. I am almost done with finals. Two more tomorrow then I get a nice semester break. I have had three doctors appointments in a row, one each day, for the last three days. All of these appointments revolve around my arms, the burning and the cutting. I feel like mom is trying to show them off sometimes. She wants me to pull up my sleeves for everyone we talk to. And I don't want to. I go to great lengths to keep my arms hidden. And mom just wants me to whip them out for anyone who mentions mutilation, cutting, or any related word. Jesus. And in therapists offices, mom is just so... Kind and always asking me these questions and god it is so annoying how she changes for them. She is the ideal mother, caring and open and honest. Jesus... But no where else. Argh, oh well, not much I can do about it. Tomorrow we are going out to celebrate the end of finals and the beginning of out break. I think dad wants to go out on a beach/RV trip. I do not want to go if I cannot bring a friend. Hopefully Ashley if she doesn't have something going already, or heather if she isn't doing something with Pieter. And the parents have to okay it. I have to study a little but more for my bio final. I have a few crush type things right now. One is still Kevin Cataneo. I DIDN'T DO IT! I have to. It has to be done someday by somebody. Not like anyone is going to ask me out anytime soon. I don't think there has been a time in my life where I have felt less attractive. And so inadequate. I am such a little goody girl priss. I don't drink, don't smoke I live at home. Jesus, I don't even listen to some weird music. If only I was something more than normal. Eh. I will get over this stage in life someday I am sure. Goddamnit, this bandage makes it so impossible to type. It keeps pushing my finger one key over. ARGH! Bite me. I have no life. I hope everybody know that. Sometimes I think I have a life, but then I realize, I don't, not really. Okay, I lied, I do. I just want to make more of a reason why I can wallow in self-pity. But I cant. I have so many awesome people in my life. Like Ashley and Heather who both totally rock. And I know I will be spending so much of my life with Ashley. Like, her children with pee their pants laughing at stuff I say, And if they don't, I will squeeze them until they pee their pants (screaming) with laughter. Little bastards, don't know a good joke when they hear it. Why, back in my day, when a dollar was worth something and kid RESPECTED their elders... Why back in that day,...

Oh baby, baby, how was I supposed to know? Okay, I liked this song even when it was Britney Spears doing it. I still like it. Is it weird that I don't stop liking bands? I like them for, pretty much, ever. I still like a lot of N'Sync's music, and Justin is rockin. Man, I like to dance to his new stuff. I guess I'm weird. Whatever. My loneliness is killing me, and I must confess, I still believe. Goddamn, this song is a lot sadder than I gave it credit for. Bowling for Soup made it sound better, I think.
so, beyond all that music talk, today... And yesterday. Well, Sunday, nothing much happened. I stayed home, didn't shower and just simply felt sorry for myself. And today, you may ask? Well, not too much happened. Actually that isn't so true. I went to school, first period drama was boring we just watched this Goldie Hawn movie about some girl going to the army. This movie really sucks except for in the beginning when the ladies husband is all an asshole and tells her has a "headache". Man, that was a hoot. "this isn't an aspirin type of headache," oh man, that was so classic. I didn't do much in drama except talk to Willie, Andre and john. Second period Spanish one (my third year of Spanish one) was okay. I'm still getting an A in the class, I got a perfect score on my Family Tree (good, this is the third one I have done) and I know I am so ready for the final this year. I have it down. Hell, I could probably do the whole freaking exam without the actual test paper. Break was amusing, as always. Stood around, joked and just relaxed for a few minutes before third period. Third period Bio rolls around. This is one of my favorite classes. I yell at some kid for accidentally flicking an eraser at my back. I talk with Bryan about his girl. We discuss eyes, eyesight and my freakish changing color eyes. Adrian acts like a dork and amuses me. Ha, he treats me like shit cause he thinks I like him. Yeah, that will be the day. Bryan doesn't know what to do about this girl he likes. I swear, he should just transfer to Independence, get the girl, and live happily ever on. Marisa told me about the whole Matt deal that happened at her birthday party, the one I was supposed to go to but didn't cause I went to Romero's. Sounds like a big hairy deal, what with her breaking up with him multiple times in the same night and Matt dissolving into tears. Poor bastard. He seemed like a nice guy too. You know? Oh well, he was too clingy for her anyway. I had some birthday cake in Bio cause Marisa had some and, what the hell, cake is good. Fourth period Sociology and I find out my grade in that class. I got a B. A straight, solid B. Not bad. I could do better but I was absent a bit and missed some stuff. Though a B is still pretty good. I talked with Jonathan about our respective weekends and such. I chatted a little with Tarika and basically sat around. My group's presentation of our dream High School was, by far, the best. Our poster rocked the house. Amber is getting on my nerves, though I don't hate her. She is cool, just yeah. She thinks we are a tad bit closer than we are. Lunch break is extremely amusing. We discuss the marketing and practical options of dehydrated penises (peni). Then we talk about what the supposed texture of this peni would be. We figure it would be sopping wet, flacid-ish and could be used as a squirt gun of sorts when fully soaked. At one point Elis hugged me and I said something along the lines of "at least your fly wasn't open this time" and he, of course, unzips his fly and spreads it open. Before the Albanian Gangsta might make a get-away, I turn away. Yes, I was peni-whipped by Elis. Man oh man, what is the world coming to. Ah, Bryan hung out with us at lunch today. He refused to join the circle, which sparked many jokes and gags. Me and Ashley declared our love for each other, which is always fun. Fifth period U.S. History was boring, as usual. Mr. Romero is so freaking boring. He is just showing us a movie and having us take notes. BAH! I didn't even need the movie to take my notes, I already knew all that shit. English 3 is my last class of the day, at sixth. We went over what we had to know for the final and I think it will be a cinch. I remembered everything Mr. Guerra was talking about. After school I was walking around with Ashley, Steven and David. Then I was walking with Heather, Pieter, Daniel, Willie and Roseana for a while. Then Ashley dragged me off with her, Steven and David again. We walked around. Didn't do much. I then realized I was walking Ashley home with Steven. Works for me. Me and Steven jack a couple of realty signs Mexican style. We walk through some elementary school and David walked off home. Me, Ashley and Steven were having a grand old time. We get to Ashley's house and I don't know how to get home. Me and Steven dial furiously, looking for someone who would drive us home to no avail. We say goodbye to out mutual love and walk off towards out homes since we, Steven and I, live all of a block away from each other. All goes fine, he is telling me the streets so I can get safely home on my own if need ever be again. Then, he gets the bright idea of cutting out walk off by a few minutes by going through the creek. I figured, oh, it wont be that bad, it will be like walking along Alum Rock without all that mountain stuff. No, not at all. First, we have to jump a fence, which isn't that bad at all, I'm not too bad at that, you know. I should have been worried because, at that point, Steven tells me " I'm impressed, Ashley never would go this way" or something similar and to that effect. I don't think anything of it until he tells me to follow his steps exactly and to always hold on to the fence. I follow and I find myself inching along a five inch wide strip of concrete that hold me above serious injury or death on the concrete below. I inch along and Steven gets the end and starts brushing the ground off. He then sits down and makes a freaking 8-9 foot jump from out concrete to the concrete below and I see him land on his feet on the slanted cement below and run to keep the extra momentum from breaking his bones. Arggh, I know I cannot to do that. I sit there for a while and tell him that I just am not that type of Mexican, I am the Tia type of Mexican. I sit at home and cook and am sweet and such. Well, I wont jump soon enough for him, so he brings a rope tied around the other side, streches out, hands it to me and I wrap it around a metal pole on my side. I then try to hold myself on the rope and with my foot in a tiny like hole in the 90 degree angled cement wall I am sitting on. I then figure, what the hell, get my ass off of the damn cement and find myself dangling, by a harsh yellow rope and with my foot no longer able to find that fucking hole. I hold there a second, think that I am an idiot, and let go a little so I can slide down. Well. It didn't turn out nearly as graceful as you think it would. The rope rips away a fair amount of skin on my right hand and leaves the rest of the skin blistered. And I land on my ass. Steven asks me if I am alright and I say "yeah, that was actually pretty fun". I then notice my hand and show him. He winces and mentions how much he can imagine that hurts. I then explain to him how I don't really register as much pain as most people. We talk for the whole walk after that. He is an alright kid. I mean, we argued like we always do with Ashley but it just petered out each time we did and it was just like regular talking, no harsh feelings. Very odd. I didn't even get in trouble with my family for being home so late without calling home. They were just, oh, glad you're home, we made chicken, you can eat whatever you want. Then I made mom get on Annie's case for wearing "sex bracelets" which was mighty fun. Well yes and my body damage for today comes to; one fat bruise on my left arm, two blisters on my right hand index finger, two skin abrasions of mild severity on my right middle finger, one deeper (yet smaller) abrasion on the top of my right index finger, abrasions to my left elbow of no severity and mild abrasions to my left leg. It was so much fun though. I never did anything like that when I was young. I was always reading. And I have to say I really enjoyed being out walking for the whole day, going on different streets, trying new (slightly illegal) stunts and just talking. It was... Refreshing. I feel a lot better from these injuries than any other self-inflicted one. Yeah, and I tested that. I tried to see which felt better, cutting my arm with my razor or the abrasions on my hand. Yeah, the hand injuries won out. Hands down. I think I just found my new addiction. I just have to find a way to keep it up. Oh, I am going to the Psychiatrist tomorrow. Should be amusing, to say the least. I have been just a little worse since I was put on medication. I feel better but the whole hurting thing is worse by a bit. Yeah, that and I got a new Psychiatrist and my mom is trying to get a list of psychologists I can use on the medical plan we have. And on Wednsday, mum is going to be talking to Mrs. Mestaz about what I can do about the whole school thing. We are thinking GED and Junior College. Which is perfect for me. I don't care about school functions, I don't want to go to my proms and there is nobody who I really care about at the school who I wouldn't be able to see anywhere else. That and JC would let me get my grades that I screwed up in high school up. Meeting new people. So many more elective courses. Why do I feel like I am trying to convince myself? Who knows what will happen. I will miss everyone if I do leave. Even if I can see them someplace else, it would never be the same. But I have to do what is right. And that means some sort of sacrifice. Even if I can tell myself I am not giving anything up, I am if I do.

Well, Romero's party was mucho fun. Not only did I get to hang out with Romero and her family at Straw Hat Pizza, but I also got to bowl with them until about 10:00 PM. All so much fun and I am so tired now. Christine's family declared me Mexican for shoving Romero's face in the cake. It was not only me, I swear. The tias were so in on it and they told me that I had to do it and I would be Mexican if I did and that I was the only one who could because Christine trusts me. So I fell into the Mexican peer pressure. Man, that was fun. I have a lot of candy now too because I got a party/gift bag thing. It is sponge-bob. So neato. I played Dance Dance Revolution with one of Romero's cousins. That was a lot of fun. I was sweating after all that dancing on DDR. I'm getting better, I think. I laughed so hard. And I got to talk with Romero witch was a lot of fun. Oh man, I asked a cute guy at AMF Bowling Lanes if he wanted to eat our hot dog. He said no, but a guy behind us with a white-man's fro said he would take it. So I gave the hot dog to them. Oh, and I played one of those drill games where you push out the prize. I won but the prize got stuck and the AMF employees had no sympathy for me. The prize I should have gotten was a camera. I could have taken pictures of the guy who I asked to eat out hot dog and the guy who did eat it. And I could have taken a picture of the Asian police-woman who we saw. I have never seen an Asian police woman before. She looked weird. Like her head was too small in the big uniform. Man there are so many hot guys at AMF. Not the one by Target but the one across the street from Oakridge mall. That one has so many hot guys. Oh, and it is decided. I am going to ask Kevin Cataneo out. Just because. I know I will be shot down, but hell, it is fun anyway. I have to get to bed now. I am so tired and my stomach feels weird and stuff and man, so much fun today. I feel so Mexican. Finally, I am in touch with my true ethnicity. So many weird things happened tonight, I am sure that they will live on in my memory forever. And, no doubt, they will haunt me for the rest of my adult life.

VIVA LA MEXICA!

uh huh... Take care, good night.

Ah, I just got home from babysitting. Some people really don't need babysitters but I guess in an emergency it would be good to have me there because... Hell, I always know what to do. Anyway, I was there for about four hours because the parents wanted to go see Lord of the Rings. They had me come over at 7:30 PM -ish and Luke, the younger, noisier, more fun, child I actually have to watch went to bed at 8:30 PM. And I was over there until midnight. I just fell asleep on their couch with my headphones on. The Kims are so uber nice. Mrs. Kim gave me a Christmas extra in my payment for tonight. Which is always nice to have. Extra money is nice to have. That and I found a bunch of money I left in my tall bookcase and got pushed back behind some novels. So, now, I am sorta loaded. I am so tempted to just go out and spend it all. This space to blog is looking at me all intimidating like. I feel like I have to fill it up but I am just sorta on cruise control right now. Nothing special. I took a picture for Paintball club today. I am not even in the club but Elis said I should so I did. That and I am a huge ham and love to have my picture taken, as long as I look good. Today was a fairly humorous day. I think Pieter is about to forgive me for saying his name while I make-out with other guys. I don't know why he took that all up the butt, I mean it wasn't only his name, I said Daniel before too, and I am bad with names anyway. I call everybody by everybody else's name. I even called Elis "Andrew" before, and vice versa. I think I got it from Mother and Dad. They always mix up me and Annie's names. A few times they mixed up me and Frankie, which is a little disturbing. I am tired. I have homework like all hell to do and I want to do it just to surprise all my teachers. Tomorrow is a special secret surprise birthday party for my friend. Actually, two of my friends are having surprise birthday party's tomorrow but I can only go to one, so I am going to the one with all the people I know. My MD player is now my life. It is so small and so easy to use. I love it. I go everywhere with it now. And combined with my cool headphones that wrap around the back of my head, I can easily smuggle my MD player into school and even use it in class. Elliott is an idiot, but he is being nice to me lately. I think it is cause he figured out that I don't care that he is friends with a lot of people because everybody thinks I'm cool too. He was complementing me. Elliott. Told me I was a "really great speaker". I am still in residual shock. I told him he did well... And then I turned around. It was starting to creep me out. That and he told me that "ah, headphones, it works for you" when I put on my headphones in sociology. I hope he cuts it out and calls me fat or something. Soon. I was told, by Ashley, that I should get back with Timmy. No way, not going to happen. First off, he can not kiss for shit. Secondly, he is so not doing anything with his life. Thirdly, he drinks and smokes. Fourth off, he has no job and is not in school. And, lastly, he was sorta annoying sometimes. I mean, yeah he was a nice guy. Okay, he does have that down. But he lied to my dad! Okay? That is not acceptable. I don't like it and I think he was lying to me about not drinking because that one phone message he left me sounded really drunk. I may ask Kevin Cataneo out as a joke. Because he is so hot. And if he says no, who cares, I don't talk to him anyway. And, if he said yeah, well, I have a date with Kevin "sexy hair swish" Cataneo. And we all know a girl loves a guy with silky long hair. Silky and smooth and shiny. Mm... Hotness.

Eh, I told Schuby I might use this idea. I would take some of his pictures and use them to express how I feel on a post-to-post basis. I feel like hiding right now. Maybe not with a tissue box but with something close. I like the pictures, even though they aren't me. Maybe Schuby would upload pictures for me. That would be coolness. Well yeah, I'm so tired and I still feel really... Eh, down. People are weird. I don't know why they are but they are. I guess I still feel really left out. I don't feel like a part of anything anymore. Even when I am center of attention for a few seconds I feel like everybody is waiting to look away from me and go on to more important things. So weird. I guess I wish I was the center of everything. I wish I didn't have to try so hard to get my best friends attention when I want it. I know we all have other things to do. Except me. I don't. I have hardly anybody. Ashley, you are my best friend. I have Heather but you are far closer to me and know everything about me through and through. You are the focus of my attention almost all the time. I know I cant be the center of your life but you are the center of mine. I would have given up all this pussy shit with just cutting and burning and I would kill my self by now if it had not been for you. Sometimes I feel like I am not pretty enough or smart enough or witty enough or interesting enough for everyone, especially Ashley. I do not have the charisma, the charm or anything. I don't have the connections, the history, the attitude, the look or anything that you do. You fit in all the time. I have always been the same, I never changed and I still don't fit in. I guess someday I may but I doubt it. I just cant be as much as I need to be to be in. I am just not. If I tried so hard to fit in, I might, but I cant. I cant pull it off for long. I always end up like how I am. Wearing my clothes, talking about weird shit, following you around. I guess that is what I do. I just attach and follow you and everybody else. Like the stray dog. Man, I love you so much and I all I want is to be enough for everybody and to be a person. I am so confused in my own thoughts right now. I don't even know what I am saying right now, not really. I am barely thinking about what I am saying I'm just.. Eh, doing what I always do. I am so alone in everything. I have a half of a handful of friends who I can even say I lightly trust. I have no romantic life whatsoever and I wish to never have to think of my past relationships again. Sometimes I still think of some of those things I had. I laugh with myself cause something reminds me of those movies that they would show in church and how me and him would sit on a back couch and laugh at the movie and some of the shallower kids in the room. I think of some of the ideas we had, the jokes we made, and it is all just so... Clear. I know I don't fit it. I don't know why not. I am not a poseur, I am just me and yet nobody likes me. Nobody talks to me first. I don't have connections. I don't have studio pictures. I don't have old friends. I don't have a past for the most part. Even Heather hated me before, so she doesn't know about how bad I was for the most part. How I am still the same. Not grown up at all. Nothing. People say I am mature now, too bad you didn't see me in the 6th grade. I was just the same. Same style, same vernacular, same everything. I have done stuff since then but I never learned anything. I knew it all already. Nothing has changed in six years. I see it all just the same as I did back then. I live in my moment, the future never happens, the past was always the past. So I always act the same. I wish I could grow and change and meet and keep friends. My friends now are the longest I have ever had. Ever. Three years is so long to me. Nobody but my family could bring up stuff from three years ago about me. Except you now. Your family accepts me. I have love. Real love. You care for me and my welfare. It is so weird. I love it. I love that your family thinks highly of me. I love them all. Yes, even Uncle Ray, in that weird way.
I still want to hide from the world. It is scary. I go out there every day. I lose friends all the time. Maybe if I hide I can keep me in their memories as it is now. Maybe they can see me happy and wonder why I would leave. Take "leave" in any way you want. I may just. My scars are growing. It is more than I want to live with sometimes. I want to hide from it all. I want to hide away from people and ideas and expectations. I know I can never live up to anything. Maybe, maybe, I can live down to it though.

Just an idea.

It is true... Everybody is out to get me...

Either that or it just feels like it. I am so fucking sick of all this shit being heaped on me. I had to scream and cuss at this stupid ass kid today because he threw his trash at my head. I am nobody's trash. I am not to be just thrown out and never again bothered with. I learned that I can let people get away with mistreating me *Davidcough* but it helps a lot more ad feels so much better to just yell my fucking head off. Thank god for my learning experience at least. I will not be ignored. I will not be a trash heap. I am going to make people start treating me right now. I am not going to take out my anger on myself. I am going to take it out on them I swear to all that I know. I am not going to be abused anymore. Not by friends, peers, my dad, myself, anybody. I am absolutely sick of it. And I don't want to have to hear people tell me that I deserve better but then I never get it. I want to get what I deserve and that is respect an love and care from anybody I bother with. Now I miss Morgan. It would figure though. All these thoughts about not being worth anything and I think of the one person who never treated me badly, who never used me, who always made me feel like myself. Man, I am an idiot. An idiot who did the right thing. Okay, I am going to leave this all up to tomorrow then. I am tired, I am pissy, I am bitchy, I feel like ripping someone's throat out. See you tomorrow.

goddamnit. nothing works. fucking useless. why bother. give in

fuck. fuck fuck. fucking damnit. shit. i hate my life. dad is fucking semi-abusive, he is too fucking afraid to really hit so he scares and grabs and shakes me. Damn him. fuck annie. fuck mom. fuck them. they love each other, great. why does it always work like this? huh? im so fucking sick of this shit. fucking assholes. why dont they care about me. why is everything i do forgotten. why am i so cast aside? why is it this way. everyone tells me i am better than annie but mom and dad treat her so much better. fuck. fuck. god. im pressing burning paper into my skin until it doesnt hurt. then i light it up again and start over. i can almost feel the pain and anger leave my head when i do this. i dont have my razors anymore. they all dissappeared. godamn them. fuck them. go to hell. fuck off. i hate them so much. i have no fucking place to go and i hate it. so so much. fuck them all. fuck them, fuck it. i guess i am just lazy... FUCK THAT. i do so much here yet annie runs the water and dad starts yelling at me and shaking me for not helping.

something is gone and i wish i could follow. i know my way i know the path i want to be in my own good light i want to be and listen and hold my own

my god, i have to keep myself busy right now. That is why i have all these crappy poems. I am keeping my hands busy. I want to tear and squeez and rip and claw my way out of myself. want out. I am shaking so hard. goddamnit. I hate this. I feel like my lungs are shaking. I my hands are cold. They are. which isnt that odd, i guess, but my hands are usually warm. Like, at school, everyone always says how warm my hands are. Just odd, i guess. I cant keep them busy though. I need to. i want to cut cut cut my way out of this. i cant, i wont i wont let myself. I cant. No. No way. i wish i had some help right now. Nobody seems to want to talk. I know how it is. Everybody is tired. Im not. I wide awake. I have lots to do. I need to have lots to do. I cant stop for a second. I cant just sit and read. I need to keep my hands moving. In motion. Good. Still at it. Not stopping. I just dont know what to do with myself. My hands. right hand is colder. Almost freezing. The finger joints feel like steel. I want to write. I have to. I have to keep on going. I have too much. FInd an outlet. DO something instead. This is what i am doing. I hope, pray, wish it work. Trying so hard. Im shaking so hard. I feel like crying. I dont know what got me like this now. Stressful day. I had fun but ... i dont know. i just felt... out. of place. out of place. yeah, i guess. and i was looking around the net... just awake, not upset, just bored. i was looking at screencaps of some movies. actually, only one movie. american beauty. i have seen some of this movie. frankie had it for awhile. i only saw a few minutes. but i was looking at this and the site had a more than 600 screencap from the whole movie. and i was looking through them. piecing together the movie from the picture and what i had seen. and heard about the movie. and i was looking through it. and it upset me. all of it. that and i was readng poems at ruinyourlife.com which i admit is not the best idea for me. but some are so beautiful. i connect and the sadness is just a side effect. but too much for right now. i am so stupid. i just want to take and tear and cut away at myself to feel real right now. In the now. to be back in control. i want to be in charge. i want to be true. real. i am so worried and scared and shaken and sad and confused and everything right now. i dont know what to do to keep myself. i dont know what i can do. other than. you know. and i want to do that. i am stopping it. i am trying so hard. it isnt easy. it has been weeks since i did that last. and i want to make that moths. then years. i dont want to. but it is so so so hard. i feel fake. and lost. and gone. and confused. and so weird. like i dont know if i am really me or something outside myself. my hands are so cold. right now. they feel warm on my face but they are cold. so cold it hurts the knuckles and the tips of my fingers. i cant think of what to type. But i have to keep going. if i stop i want have anything left. anything. i just feel so wrong right now. this and that and who and why. i dont know why. i dont know anything right now but that i want to be sure of what and who and where and if i am. if. especially if. im so not sure. i am not aware of any way to check but that one i have trued before again and again. I want that. I want that to be sure. i know. i know. i know. i know. i know i know this is true. I know that it wont lie to me. it cant lie. it is sure. im sure of that. it brings me back. it makes it better. It makes it tangible. i can feel it. i can see it. i can see it flow and pulse and be. be real. i want that again. jesus. i have to not. i cant. i wont. i wont do it. i dont have to. i can wait. i can wait i think. I think i can. i know the cut will be true and no lie will come of that. i am so confused. i am broken and confused. i am so hurt. i am so confused. take me, fix me. put me together again. take me, make me, make me new and shiny and wanted. If someone beautiful can point out their flaws and tell me to shut up. if that then... what. what do i want to say now, what was that point if there was one. i was thinking. i was wondering why people must never let me say anything. all i want to say is i am ugly and bad. and you have to best me on that too. I cant be anything. everything for you is worse and better and bigger and smaller and everything is all. i am nothing i would extrapolate. I am nothing worth anything. but worth more and less than you of course. i am default. often used and forgotten. i am so... nothing. yet more and less than you. than anybody. ow. my side hurts now. i dont know why. but it is nothing compared to any one else pain. everybody has suffered more than me too. bite. bite it down. keep it down. file away save it for later. no. i cant. breathes harder. sniff. squeeze eyes. push away the hair and tears. nothing is nothing is nothing is not me. i cant be. I have soemthing,. i swear i have something. i swear i swear it i swear it now i swear i have it i have soemthing i swear. i know it. i know i ahve soemthing. I can be. I can i can be i can be i can i can I can i can be. I am. i can be something i am. what to say to type to let out if there is anything at all in me. I know there is. I want to let it out. scars are no proof in me. i dont believe right now. i can be. i am. i know. i think. i swear it. I swear. pop pop pop it in now. i want to say. i want to say it. i want to to to to now. i want to say it out loud. i want to say it to everybody. stop reading. dont read this. i need to type it. i must put it out there. i must i must. i have to. It is what i do. it is some shred of proof. it is what makes it. i cant i cant i need not to. I dont. i wont. i must. i gave me over. i do it again. i spread it around. i let it go. flow away. i want to make it flow. i want to cut cut cut cut away and the cover the shell. i want out of it now. i need to stop it. i need away. i cant i cant i know i want to but i wont. i must deny me. i must not. no no not to do it no. no no no question. none. im now, im not. i stop. i stop it here. i stop it now. i type away until it is done. i type away until i can stop. no edit no stopping keep me busy. keep it working keep it without thinking. whithout thinking how good it feels. how the first cut makes that whole set appear. makes everything keep coming and coming and making it all better inside. let it all out. deal and out and take and rip and pour and wave goodbye. Wave away and watch the droplets dance and fal and spread. burgundy carpet hides. i want to now. i want it so bad. i want it. yes i do i do yes yes yes i do. nothing to do. stimulation useless. music, moves, books anything is useless. i cant step out. i cant our un. i need to wait out,. no smoke out. i cant force it. i can though. i can. i can bleed it out. i cant though i can. i can.. t oh i want to. i wont... wont want can cant. do it. dont. do it do not. i do remember. i do though. i know. i know the uselessness. the futility. the isolation. not again. i want it to start.. i want to folow the lines. trace new ones. make marks. make it real. make reality. so i can feel it. so it is true. and there. and for as long as i need it. i am cold. freezing. like metal. like ice. like not. not now. now no... no no no no i cant. i cant i wont i wont. i have help. i am supposed to be normal, i am supposed to be fixed. you put me together. YOU PUT ME TOGETHER YOU PUT ME BACK YOU MADE ME GOOD YOU MADE ME FIXED YOU FIXED ME FIX ME MAKE ME BETTER YOU FIXED ME so why am i not. why am i. you fixed me. i am good. i am better. i have help. you put me back together. you did it. why. why oh why. im good. im better. i want to be better, i know a better that makes it better and make it worse and better so good so nice so real and nice and good. i can get it out. it get out and out and out and i dont know why i need to do it again and again. oh oh so nice. warm me up. keep me safe. remind me over and over and over that i am real. that i am. i am not more or less though i am real. i dont need to tell you you need not know. but i am real. i will know if i make sure. i want it i want it now. oh i need it. I need it to be. i need to feel it. Cold is not enough. cold is not good enough. i need to remove it my way. i want to. i cant. im doing so much to stop. why am i stopping it why am i not letting it go through. i want to be fake if i dont let myself define real. stop stop stop ... stop the lies. stop confusing me. stop making me think this way. stop it stop it now. i i i.. i dont know. i dont want... i dont know. i i god i, im unsure. im hesitant, im pensive. i cant stop. i cant stop. how do i stop this. i cant now. i cant think of anything else. no longer is it just an undercurrent but it is flooding everything i see it i think it. i read and write it. everything is cut. cutting. feeling. love, sadness, sorrow, anger, jealousy, rage, insecurity, confusion, insanity, horror, numbness, abandonment, sickness, isolation. ha. angel. in my bed. she just woke up because i was too loud crying. she is asleep on my bed. she makes me happy. she looked at me. because. makes me feel better, i guess. just there. real. petty is how i feel now. and cold. and... i dont know. it isnt enough. i cant cut myself with angel in my room with me. I cant. she is real. she is. so i think i am. i guess tonight i was saved. by my dog. im sick in my heart still. it feels like it sunk into my chest. like it feel down. and is just pulsing there. i dont know if anybody knows what i mean. but it is close enough for me. i guess i better go to bed. i guess. i think. you know. im just. confused. and yeah. i dont want to read what i wrote here. i dont think i can. i know i cant, not without feeling it all again. I cant read this again, i know that, so no spellcheck. i cant.

freeze dried rind of heart
hands are cold, i just got home
i cant feel, everything is distraction
sweet regret
long felt regard for nothing
not knowing what is wrong
thinking something is
call for an answer, nothing in return
what to do do do
stop for a moment to think out loud
caught again by the shine
i want to, want it now, want is need
i type to keep busy
cant stop for long
keep getting up. i know where they are
i know i am at home
i know where they are
i know i am not alone
i feel where they were
who took my escape?
theres always another
i wont get it, cant, dont let me
fingers are cold.
i want to warm them up
typing keeps me down, down
i want to step back
let myself heal
pain over pain over pain
recycled emotion, again and again
ecology turned inward
waste not my thoughts, once bad always in
slavia builds up. cant swallow now
think, thinking, my thoughts
undone, organization is not found
where is my mind?
where is who i used to be?
sadly i was always this way
no change
standstill
static
constant
nothing should be
i am anomaly
cut away to find
what makes me, me

pause>>step
stake out mind
why, where am i?
cant get in or out
cant get caught
stake out,
thoughts are at a stand still
breathe out again
afraid to move
i dont know what to do
heart thumps thickly
mind feels numb
pictures swim underneath
something makes my thoughts stink
forget my body
all mind, all caught
what can i be
where can i go
nothing and everything left
turn away, what is right
cough blood. see red
wonder what is wrong with my head
take my pill goodnight
seems to do nothing to make me right
screencaps and storyline
all caught and saved
my past is done, screenscroll of pain
i couldnt stop
i saw more and more
dysfunction extreme
i cant hold back my scream
i know the story
i see it all along
but i am held still
wanting more
feeling my own story
i cry for the fast forward
i wish for the rewind
paused in now
screencap my face

woah, new year.

Like totally, woah. Ha, anyway. My New Years went and took many a unexpected turns. Morgana came down with streph throat. So Ashley had me, her boyfriend and Romero over to hang out for awhile. We sorta missed the countdown to midnight but it was still fun for me and Steven to be all Mexican and blow the poppers at each other at a dangerously close range. Ah, to be Mexican. I didn't have anybody to kiss at midnight because... Hell, why should I? Ashley kissed me and that is fine with me because she is one of the very few people who I want to spend all of my newest year with. I wish I was a freaking lesbian. It would make everything so much easier. Well, yesterday I went to the movie theater at the mall with my sister and my cousin Michael. We saw paycheck. I would have to say that E! Entertainment online pretty much summed up the movie with one statement, "bankrupt sci-fi do-do." Yeah, that is fairly appropriate. Man, that movie sucks ass. Oh jesus it was fun to be out of the house though. And I saw Heather at the mall with Pieter so all is good. Me and heather stood in the middle of the walkway just talking while Annie and Michael were in payless and Pieter wandered into Spencer's. Heather whacked me on the head with an imaginary glow-in-the-dark dildo. Man, that was amusing. I am so sitting her at my computer with blue dye in my hair. Mom was mad at me for letting the blue fade out so much at to be blonde-green. So now I smell like hair shizzy. And my ears have a slight blue tinge that wont rub off. I have to SCRUB my skin to get that color out. Not fun, not fun in the least. Man, I wish I was still out of the house. I want to spend more time at Ashley's house. And I have never spent the night at Heather's... Which is sorta odd. I want to go back to school but I have an assload of homework to do today and tomorrow. Are. I want to get my pictures hosted somewhere, damnit. Eh, it actually matters not. I hear that LiveJournal doesn't require those codes now. Which is odd, I think. I thought that that would make LJ one of the better groups. But now... Bah. I don't want to join now that I can. I might, just to understand how some of the features work. Like the whole cutid thing. I don't understand. Oh well. That is to be the bane of my thoughts. My cuts are all healed up. Now I just have that weird brown color where each cut used to be. Looks like a brown sharpie exploded on my arms. I forgot how long I am supposed to leave this blue stuff in my hair. Hmm, I guess that means I should let it sit for a bit longer. That and I don't feel like showering yet. Damn, homework. Jesus, I so do not want to do it. I want to play Star Wars- Nights of the Old Republic and I want to read my new books. That is it. Oh yeah, my new books. After that crap-fest called a movie at the mall, we went shopping at Media Play because we all had gift cards there. Well, I was in the book section, Annie was in Pop music and Michael was in the Computer Games section. Well, I was looking around the book section desperately for something good because MediaPlay.com took out their book section, which pisses me off. And, this Christmas, I got no book store gift certificates. I was out dry. So I was happy to be able to use this freaking card on some literature. I was so in luck. I got Survivor by Chuck Palahniuk and (oh man, I have wanted this book for so long, I just never got to it) A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess. I am not going to be paying any attention in class at all for the next few days when we get back. Okay, my scalp feels kinda funny now, which I will take as my cue to wash this junk out.

Take care and such and such
CMaZ