Okay, I haven’t posted in a while. I was on a roll there for a while, but I got grounded for a day and I got knocked all out of whack. I hope to keep this up far into my life. My archives will be ridiculously huge. I will have to divide them into huge monthly chunks. Or make a template for a separate archive site. Damn, the thought of being on blogger for so long as to need a whole page for archives. Amazing. Just another sign that I have no life and I am slowly being drawn more and more toward the computer. I'm chatting with David and Ashley right now. My lord, I may be beginning to really "like, like" David. I was listing his personality traits and with each one I felt more and more attracted to him. And I told him that too. I was never one for coyness, as I never learned how to be coy. I am forever doomed to be straight forward in matters of romantic endeavors. Wow, sucks to be. Just this moment I told David that, yes, giving oral sex is a turn on for me, yes, he has done something that has turned me on and yes I was turned on because I find him attractive. My god, could I be any more forward? No, no I couldn't. Why am I doing this to him? He just got out of a shitty relationship with a shit of a girl and he needs space from the shit I’m giving him. Argh, I hate me. Why am I such a bad friend? I wish I wasn't. I wish I could be a good friend to everyone I care about. But, a lot of the time in fact, I screw up. I shouldn't but I do. And usually I do it to support my own wants. I want David. Therefore, I forget, while I am around him, that he needs space away from girls and drama. It is so much fun to hang out with him and see how hard I can hit on him. I practically offered him oral sex. Well I actually did offer him oral, but in a joking way. Should I be doing this? No. Will I stop anytime soon? No. Is it fun? Yes sir! Okay, I just told him a lot of how I feel about him. I think I will paste this art work here, if he says I can. I pretty much said how attracted I am to him and why. I am such an idiot. I don't deserve to be his friend. But if he wants to be my friend then I am only glad. My god, I know I had these posts talking about how mad I was, but mostly I was mad because I care about what he thinks about me. Just like I care what all my friends think about me personality wise. I know it’s the fad these days to say you don’t care what anyone else thinks but I do. I don’t want my friends to secretly hate me and plot against me, a la Ceaser. Et tu Ashley? LoL. Well, yeah, I think I may like David in the sense that I find him more appealing than just a friend. Oh, Jesus, I just told him I think our flirting is innocent. WHY AM I SUCH A LIAR? I am so glad you read this David. It is much easier to leave out my thoughts for you all to review and ask me about them later. Much easier than telling you under a system that you can reply to right away. Maybe I’m a wimp, a coward, a loser, a hang-on or an unwanted admirer. Not that I admire you for being attractive. It’s more that I kinda like you. In the sense of the word that means embarrassment, rejection, humiliation, pain and all that other good stuff. Like I just did right now. Rejected. Someone should stamp it on my forehead. Basically he just told me that I can go ahead and flirt all I want, he doesn’t care. Wow, do I feel special. No, I feel pretty low now. Well, you can all still view my transgression from happy to put down. Nothing to see here folks, just another rejected kid from the burbs. Dime a dozen. I should go to bed. Now, in fact. I have to wake up and go to Ashley’s party thing. And of course, be shot down again and again. Makes me feel happy for the day. A brite and cheery outlook for my future. Damn, I am the most oathetic thing I have ever seen. So sad yet true. My strife should be a lesson for my future. Go fuck myself. I am the only one who will these days. My god, he knows everything about me, that is why. He is a fucking liar, he really thinks I am dirty and wouldn’t ever actually touch me. Damn, now I am just shooting at shadows. You were right the first time. He wants your friendship, he needs space and you are a good friend. Maybe I just think higher of him than he thinks of me. I feel even worse with the truth. Aw, damn, why does one comment from him immediately change my mood? I’m such a silly little girl. I should never write about stuff as it happens ever again. I’ll write later, when I am more sure of how I feel. HA! Like I will ever be sure of how I feel about anything