Just finished a fight with Mother. Not good. I'm still locked in my room crying. i shall run out, grab the Mt. Dew and run back. Should Mother be mad at me? I don't think so. She is so fucking wrong. I dont know why she wants to tell me about all this shit I don't need to hear. I am only 16, I dont need to know the shit she tells me.

Guerrilla Face wash tactics

Woo hoo, three day weekend. Sorry about not posting for a few days, our LAN moniters were being used on other computers which screwed up the system for a couple of days. And last night I spent at Ashley's. David came over for a few hours. That was MUCHO fun. Ashley was pretending to cry in a corner for some parts. Hehe, like that would make me and David stop for long. Now Ashley is making fun of me for "dry humping" him and she is calling us(David and I) the make-out mokeys. All in good humour of course. Friday night was the first school dance and I didn't go. Because I was at Ashley's house with David. If we aren't doing anything on Monday I get to go over to her house again then. my lord... so many hormones again. I was getting kinda used to not having so many of those. But, now, it's all starting up again. Not that I'm complaining. I like it, so much fun and anticipation. Mmm, pizza and Mountain Dew. Almost as good a root beer, but not quite(lol). Oh jebus, my complexion is trying to kill me. I have hella more blackheads and a half-assed pimple right above my lip. Time to kill them is now. I will write more later.

CMaZ

School woes

Ah, another school day. I gave my URL to my new english teacher. Yeah, it kinda scared me that he said there wouldn't be creative writing in his class but he seems to be a cool guy. And my classes are all kinda mellowing out. Good for me because i was mellow from the beginning. Kinda nice to share a locker this year, since for the last two years I have lied and cheated to get my own. But I get to share a locker with Rosanna this year. Quite fun, as she is just the nicest, sweetest pretty young woman I know. She has so much respect for herself and others and I can really admire that in her, seeing as how I have very little respect for a lot of things. Oh, the nike symbol I missed on my backpack before, I burned it off to get a nice little burned stub. Well, I have a few homework assinments I have yet to do so I had better be finishing this post up. I still have do my spanish, history and biology stuff. Ah, school is going to be fun this year.

Ah, I saw the latest Schuby production called The Whiteness Project. Just more great stuff from my favorite white boy. The rest of his videos are at his schubtacular website. Okay, first day today. I have so many weird classes. I just don't understand how i can have NO classes with Ashley OR Heather. And how the T.A. for my Bio class has to be Pieter. Oh, fun but scary. The teacher is cool. He scared me once. I thought he was an assasian elf sent to kill me. Long story but true. okay, I now know that I like David more than he likes me. This revalation is quite sad, but I think it to be true. When he is close I can't stop from kissing him. But he can stop. And he often does. I guess he might just care what other people think more than I do. I personally could not care less what the pop culture nation of our schools thinks of me. I don't think less of those who do care. That is who they are and I respect that. I personally don't. Like my choice of what to eat. I don't eat meat but I'm not going to stop my friends. Either way, if he doesn't want to, it sucks to be me. Kissing is one of those mutual things. We both kinda have to want to. Damn, crazy ass teachers. And my US History teacher is a jock. Total jock. He took all the varsity team football players aside to talk to 'em. I hate that bias. And right from the start too. He could barely read. Monosyllabic, all the way. And Grant is in my class. Somebody shoot me now. In the temple. I held a knife to my wrist the other day. I didn't do anything. I thought of how I had what I wanted now. I had my friends and I had David and Heather and Ashley. Then I pressed th knife harder and thought of how I am loved. Harder and how I can blog. Harder and how I could not make myself happy by using other people for my whole life. Stopped with the knife and slashed all the Nike symbols from my backpack. I only missed one of the swooshes. Damn, i know i cant always rely on others to make me feel better. I realized this before. Now, I just need to live like I know this. Far too much of my mood id dependant on how things turn out during the day. I would rather be always melancholy than be extremes all of the time because I don't control it.
This was written last night but Mother powered down the router before I could post it. Sorry about the confusion, kids. Now I need to go get clothes on me and get myself to school for another exciting day as Krista-who-wishes-she-was-asian-or-black-or-half-of-each-like-Tiger-is. Should be exilarating.

I'm supposed to be getting ready for school right now. I just thought that I would post so you could all see the ungodly hour I am forced to arise at.

oh, I am mad that I didn't get to blog for awhile because the router on Mother's PC had a nervous breakdown or something. I bought hella clothes today. Black Dickies, brown Hurley pants, grey Spiewak pants, Role Model tee, Kiss Me, I'm a Pirate tee and four different tank tops. Quite a busy day. But fun. And I also got to make out with David, which is always a plus to any day. My jacket has that Old Spice smell now. Which is a good thing, if you didn't know. School starts tomorrow. I am sorta excited. I know I can do good this year. I want to sucedd and what I want , I get. For the most part at least. My lord, Karen is just one of the coolest adults I know. So straight forward and knowlegable about what she says. Sometimes it feels as if you can't argue with her, as her logic is usually infalliable, but I did argue about my blog with her today. She wanted me to change it and make it more fictious. I like saying the truth in here. It feels really good. Changing my name dramatically would ruin that feeling. As if i was yet again writing about someone elses life. I write fiction, I don't want this to feel like fiction. Everything is close enough to the truth for me. And the holes can be filled in by those who know me. Those who don't know me can still enjoy knowing about me without knowing how to find me beyond email or AIM. Jesus... school... tomorrow. Ashley is picking me up. 7:30 am. Damn... i'm going to shower now... i will tell you about my day tomorrow, tomorrow. Jebus... this is just too early for children to be expected to learn.

ARGH, I hate my sister. She infringed on my rights as a web log publisher and edited my work to use against me. She sent my Aug 22 post to people, out of context, to get me in trouble with my family. Due to sensitive materiel contained within this post, I am going to delete it and only expose it by email request. Otherwise, I will continue to write my work. I don't know how much trust I can have for my sister, for she can't even ask me if I would mind. I had told mother about the events in this entry and David also knew I was posting these facts. Please flame my sister as often as you want to my email. I will forward your comments to her, with or without your return address at your request. She tried to take my openness and use it to my fault, not knowing that I never hide anything that may be important to another. I told mother, in less detail, about the events within the post. Now, thanks to Andrea, these details were exhumed and made to appear dirty. I feel less safe about telling the truth to all, which is the whole point of me blogging. It hurts me to be made fun of in this manner by someone who I am supposed to trust. Andrea should feel utterly horrible about the absurd manner she acted in. My trust and security have been breached. However, I will try to regain that security at a later date. As of the moment, I am quite satisfied to stew in anger about this horribly backstabbing behavior. And I have not yet extracted my revenge. She wants me to be nice to her in high school, she doesn’t want me to embarrass her yet she will go to such lengths to hurt me for no reason. She has caused unneeded anger, resentment and awkwardness into a situation I was striving with to avoid these same problems. I don't know why she had to do this to me. She has made it almost impossible for Mother to trust me with David, even though I told Mother what I was doing. My god, why does she have to ruin this for me? I had a good thing and she couldn’t just let me keep it. She had to make it something bad. She had to make my THOUGHTS bad. So fucking wrong for her to do that. I do not deserve to feel guilty about what goes on in my life and in my mind. I do not feel ashamed of anything I do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t do it. She tried to take something I said to everyone sound like something I was trying to hide. I was not hiding anything and she is now the one in the wrong. Oh, yeah, David came over today . . . we watched Naruto and Frankie walked by as we were kissing. Frankie blows up, and this is when I find out about Annie’s email. Stupid bitch, Annie, she could have at least told me she was going to pull this shit.

Thanks to Andrea and her terrible social skills, this post is now only availible upon request. Future posts containing sensitive materials may have to be censored due to lessened trust on my part.

Just woke up right now. I don’t have anything planned today and yes, I believe I still do like David. I’m so ambivalent about my feelings for David. I guess it’s just because I’m a stupid teenager. Blame it all on the age. Blame everything on anything or anyone but myself. I notice that I tend to do that a lot. When someone presents a problem to me, or I give one to myself, the first thing I do is blame someone, or something, else. Oh yesterday my sister got me so mad. David was over at the time and she just ran out of the house to go with a friend’s family to the Spaghetti Factory. She asked me, because Mother and Dad weren’t home. I told her that she couldn’t go if she couldn’t contact Mother and Dad. She sounded like she was fine with this. Then when David shows up, I didn’t know he was coming over, we sit out front, because when Dad and Mother aren’t home our friends can’t come inside. Annie’s friend comes in the gate and pretty much demands that she is picking Annie up after I told her that, No, Annie is not going. Annie comes out the door and I tell her that she can’t leave then she leaves. David stays with me until Mother and Dad get back. The reason for my last post and the beginning of this one is that I almost kissed him. Almost. I sorta veered off to the left because I was afraid. But then I told him that I had been attempting to kiss him and we just sorta laughed and such. Then, later, online he says that he would have let me and that he had wanted to kiss sorta too. This all makes me still want to kiss him, despite my huge fear of rejection. I’m such a confused child. Well . . . yeah, confused. If anyone needs a brain enema right now, it’s I. Start fresh with a clear mind. And I’m quite sure I don’t want a boyfriend. That would just be way too much thought for me. So, no matter what happens, no actual commitment. Not for a long-ass time. I am still way too . . . not ready for any of that. And, I don’t know what to really think. I also don’t know why I have to make every first move. So not used to that. I’m almost Old-fashioned, sorta, when it comes to that. I would like him to be the one who does everything first. Just how I am. Well, seeing as how I am not dressed yet, I’m leaving this here. What a nice visual for all of you. NAKED! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Nevermind. I still have feelings for him. Quite sure. He just came over to my house and stoped me from thrashing a wall.

Not too bad today. I stayed up all last night, of course, and David woke me up early this morning. I got to the school, turned in my sanded IM2 book and left. I apparently owe ten dollars for late books. I know I already paid this. Dirty fucks. I hate all that round about bullshit. Why can’t they just give me my fucking locker? Aw, I kinda screwed Roseanna on this one too. She is like the sweetest, nicest, most kind person I have yet to meet. Just because I didn’t turn that stupid book in, she has to wait for her locker as well as I. Not fair for her and I feel like shit on toast for doing it. I still have her ID too. I’m so fucked up in the head. I should have sanded the fucking number off before school ended and turned it in then, instead of putting it off. This sucks for Roseanna. Stupid lockers screw me up every year. And on a completely different note, I went with David to the mall today so he could job-hunt. And want to know something sad? I was completely un-attracted to him. I know . . . how could this be? I don’t know, I just don’t know. Maybe because, and I think I may do this a lot, as soon as I get close enough to have it, I don’t want it. Like that asshole guy at church. The creepy hand holding dude. He kept trying to sit next to me and hold my hand and such. I hated it. But before I noticed how creepy he was, I tried to attract him by talking nicely to him and trying to be close to him. So maybe, that is what I do. I don’t want what I can’t have. I guess that makes me pretty fucked up in the head, but I can get used to that. I don’t want a boyfriend. Not for a while maybe. Until then, I don’t think David is a prospect anymore, at least until I can’t have him. But that makes no sense. Because when David was with Nameless, I didn’t like him like that. This all only happened recently. The liking and not so much liking him. And, at the mall, today he wouldn’t stop being stupid or rude. He doesn’t understand courtesy. Or proper subject matter. But then, I am a priss most of the time. I hate rudeness, ignorance and a desire to not learn. The former most and the latter most are actually branches of ignorance as well. And we all know that I cannot stand ignorance. It just annoys the hell out of me. How can he be so attractive one day then, BAM, so not the next? Not fair. Well, with things the way they are between us, nothing can go wrong. Neither of us wants a “real” relationship with the other right now. So, therefore, no commitment on either side. I don’t have to make any decisions now because there are none to make! My lord, this may all work out. Am I really mean? No, I don’t think so. I think that right now I am just being honest with myself, which is what my blog is all for. And of course he, and everyone else I know, will read it as well and know how I feel exactly. Thank god for friends like Heather, Ashley, Me, Myself and I. I love you all. Such wonderful people. I tell both of you everything, for the most part. Oh Jesus, because I copied snatches of HTML code from another blog, a blogger help site looks just like mine, except for the spacing and such. I could have cried. But I wouldn’t because that would be stupid. Either way, this means that I must start on a new code . . . with no snatches, from anywhere hopefully. What should my new color scheme be? Should I use a template from a website? Help, I feel all out of creativity today and need a hand with this. Maybe I should do a black grey . . . or dusty blue colors . . . this could be fun. I may want to change all the everything but probably not. I think I will just do another color scheme. I’m much too fond of this look. Streamlined, professional and easily modified. I will figure it out later. All this thinking about high school drama. Ah fuck, again, Mother is fucking blaming me for that sad worthless shit they call their youngest daughter. I’m trying to help fucking Mother clean the house for her guests and of course Andrea fucking sits there like a lard ass and picks at the lasagna I made. I was fucking pissed because, one, I was working and again Annie is just eating and, two, because she ruined the damn thing because I put it there to set. Fucking bitch couldn’t resist food for another hour. Oh my god she has to eat and ruin whatever she can. What was I thinking, trying to stop Annie from eating? We all know she can’t resist shoving her own face while others are working. She makes up so much bullshit that she stinks, the piece of shit. Why the hell didn’t the doctor just tie Mothers fucking tubes, like she had asked. Parents didn’t want her, I still don’t want her and no man will want her to live with forever. My god, I would trade sisters with Ashley but Ash said no. Even Ashley knows how retarded Annie is. Just writing that fucking whore’s name makes me feel like ripping out a few of her extra chins. She keeps trying to bring up that I wrote, once, that she was a talent less “A” student. She yells it across the house, making her look stupider. So what? She is talent less, she gets semi-good grade but she is nothing special. She doesn’t take any advanced courses. She asked to be put in Algebra for 8th grade, but then whined the whole time and had to have everybody help her with her homework. I swear to fucking god, I will not ever help he again. She only acted like she didn’t want the help anyway. Then she would tell dad that I didn’t want to help her, after I had left due to digustion at her stupidice. I hate that shit so much. She is so going to hate high school. I know it. She will realize that nobody thinks she is hard core. Especially when she says that she is a hard core Avril fan. What a loser. And I hope she will soon realize it too. I bet she will start to go anti-Avril and try to hang out with the Distillers fans. BUT THEY WILL KNOW! They will know that she is stupid, fake, ignorant and a poseur(the actual french word that “poser” started from). I have tried do hard to try and help her but she wants to be cool, so she tries way too hard. I don’t think she will be able to get along in high school. She didn’t even go to orientation, which is how I got my start with most of my friends. Just more proof that the Bitch doesn’t know what it takes to get along in high school. I bet she ends up hanging in the fish-bowl. Lol, that would be rich. Oh, back to David for now, I just said something to Morgan( the girl) that deserves a mention here;

MyOtherSN: he was pretty rude for the most part. and he did the self pity thing again
MORGAN: hm. so do you think you don’t like him anymore. or you're just tired of hanging around with him'
MyOtherSN: I dunno... I think it was just way too much David in a short period of time

She agreed, and so I will leave it as that. I am just having a David overload. And maybe we won’t work out anything romantic between us. And that’s okay, we don’t have to. Whatever goes, goes. And I don’t want to be serious with a highs school guy in high school. As far as I have seen, it is all way too much hassle. But, as I keep saying, whatever happens, happens. Maybe I was wrong to tell him I like him and to act the way I did around him. I liked being friends. I also liked it when my Mother didn’t warn me about being “careful” every three minutes. I guess everyone should hate me now. I am being such a high and mighty bitch about my David crap. Who knows why I think I am so much better than everyone else, maybe I just need a reality check. I hate to think that I am cruel but I may be. Or it might be just me being nervous. Or maybe I am only attracted to the chase of it. Damn, I am so sorry if I am that mean. I ask that you not hate me now, wait until I know if I have to hate me too.

ARGH! I actually had a good day today. I hung out with everyone at the school for the ID cards and lockers. Then David, Brian and Morgan came over to my house to chill. It was so fun and I got to be around David for a few hours which always makes me giddy. Morgan said me and David looked like a couple. I could scream. I wish we were sometimes but high school boys are so fucking confusing. I know that we are all suppose to be all bashful and shit but, dear lord, I hate that. I mean I told him straight up. I LIKE YOU! And all I get is mild fondelation(which isn’t even a word, so you know). OH JESUS! He just said what I said right there, caps and all. Oh jesus. I just fell off my chair and I can’t stop smiling . . . OH MY ASHLEY(Ashley is god for a few months). Okay, if it is all a joke I will kill whoever did it, just for the sake of humanity. If someone could be that evil they should die. But otherwise, oh jesus. I like him. He likes me. It's one of those wonderful occasions that should live on forever. Oh lord . . . too giddy for many words. But I have to say that I am happy. After all that fucking wondering. I couldn't tell. I couldn’t, now I know, and I know in all caps. It's like . . . jesus. I don’t know what it's like. Just happy. I never had to play a game like that for that long. It's terrible and after this, I am never going to try and get a high school guy ever again. I have had enough of this stupid "I like you, do you like me?" "well . . . I act like I do, right?" I mean, it's cute and all, just, you know, once is enough. If I can get the balls to admit it, why not bring it all out in the open? But he did, after many days of coercion. Lol. But I'm happy. It's nice to know that another guy can feel "that" way about someone like me. Always reassuring. I mean, if I was a guy I wouldn't want to date me. I would tell me that I just want to be friends with me. *Laughs.* Yeah, right. I will never say anything like that again. We all know how insanely self-absorbed I am. But that's mostly because I think I am smarter than everyone else. I think I am really quite hideous, appearances wise. But then I am a really harsh judge of that. Everyone is their own worst critic. Stupid, high school relationships are notoriously so. Argh, I know that this is going to be some stupid Dawson’s Creek thing, or something, but I have already lost almost all of my childhood innocence. Lets give me just one unintelligent unthought, typical teenage move. I will try and divulge in my hormones just this once. No sex, I swear to god. I don’t care, no sex, not for years. Lol, I sound like a prude. OH GOD, HE SAID HE LIKES ME! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! This is fun. Oh my god. And I was so fucking certain he was leading me on and that he didn’t like me. And now I know, he does. And oh my god, I am so not ready for this. How could I skip my training in high school interactions yet know what to do in an adult relationship. This is so fucking screwy. I’ll ask Ashley, if we get together. Doubtful, yet, no, still doubtful. I am currently sanding the number off my math book. I have the wrong one so now I need to turn it in. But I cant turn it in unless the numbers match. Thus, the sanding on the book. I have to be at the school at eight tomorrow so I had better sleep some. Nighty.

just talked to david again. How can one person make me cry so fucking much?

Oh fuck I just lost a page and a half post. I am crying now. FUCK! fuck, fuck, fuck. That was so much. I can’t do it again. Lost. My god. That took me more than an hour to write. I lost it trying to press "copy" so WOULDN’T lose it. Maybe it's a sign. Maybe it should be lost. Well it is, no matter if it should be or not. I'm losing all of it. My god, I want it back, you fucking pieces of shit. I told you everything and you don’t even fucking give me an "undo.” It was my first big post on a while. It had everything I wanted to say about how I can’t say what I have to. I like David, I can’t, but I don’t think he like's me. And more shit like that, just slightly less petty and cliche. More profound and thought out. Stuff about how I need to think things out. How I can’t speak unless I wrote it. How much I wish David would shoot me down already and just get it over with. I t will happen, and I know it. Morgan(the guy) really will be the only man to love me and I will have been the one to end love. Oh fucking Jesus why me. I lost it on here and now it is back in me. And I can’t write all that again. One extraction is almost always enough to kill me. And now I have taken it out but I still have to have it in. OH WHY THE FUCK ME? Why does everything I love, want, need try to kill me? I know it's just a blog. But it also me, my thoughts. Pure. How I feel, what I want, need. More than an hour of my thoughts, my mind. All crammed back into my head because I made a stupid mistake. I am adding another alert. After I tell you how much that meant to me, I am putting a new one. Then sleep. Then I will have to find another way to get it out. Screaming is good. My Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker, my body feels hollow and my head is too full. All the shit I said, mostly about me, David and Morgan the guy, was so important to me. But I guess there has to be a reason. I WOULDN’T be able to stand all that lost thought if I can’t believe there was a reason to throw away part of my most sensitive mind. Still teary, but better. Mother came into my room and asked me why I was screaming in my pillow. She heard me in her room, over the TV. I guess I was interrupting Captain Kirk or some shit. Well, at least she checked. FUCKING piece of shit bitch. The lost post, I mean. I fucking hate me, why am I so fucking stupid. Lost. All of it, lost

Home, I am here. I finally made it out. With all my clothes, that still smells like frosting just slightly. I am going to Davids house as soon a i get the courage to go out and wander the streets alone. Sorta weirded out. I guess that that is my double standard. I think it's fine for people to come over to my house but it's a big deal for me to go to someone elses house. I am just wierd that way. SO if i want to be home before dark, i better be going. BYE!
CMaZ

Still at Ashley's house. I just woke up now. I have already been repeatedly raped and fondeled by Ashley, Morgan and May. Well, no, May hasen't done anything to me. I still like May. I'm kinda scared of the rest of them, since they remind me of me. How strange, I think that Morgan and Ashley are getting a little too close. just a little odd, but humorous. ahhhhh, i get to go over to Davids! YAY! go me! I will. As soon as Ashley gives me my clothes back. All that ass cake. It was strange. I, oddly enough, did not get to actually get to eat any of the cake so rudley rammed up my nose. Quite fun though, to be hosed down in Ashley's backyard. By random boys of course. I was hosed down. How strange. Ah, Ashley's partys are always so fun. I think they are having a mini pillow fight behind me.

Slightly scared as I am spending the night at ashley's house with her, Morgan and May. May is so cool. Totally asian. Its wonderful. I feel like I can relate, even though I have a complete lack of asian blood in me. But she also thinks Spike from Cowboy Bebop is hot, so she must be cool. Lots of talking to David today. Yeah, confused as ever, yet stilghtly happy and giddy. In fact, I am ridiculously giddy. I love this feeling at the same time I feel like ripping out its throat. The feeling that is. Despite all the not knowing what i am to do, i kinda like not knowing. This is a first ofr me. I always know everything that is going to happen, how I can change it, what I can do and what everybody thinks about me as I am doing this. This is all new to me, not knowing. Not very pleasent but new and I'm up for anything once. DAVID IS HOTTER THAN BRIAN! Just so everyone knows this, will realize this and disaggre with Ashley and Morgan. I love you both, especally since I am spending the night here with both of you here now, and think you are both "unique" in your views. But Brian is not hot. That is the end of that story. But I have a whole new story about cake that I am sure you will want to hear. It is quite amazing. I was joking and asked Ashley to feed me, as I am lazy and do not want to go through the effort. The first three "bites" went right up my nose and onto my forehead. Not so pleasent. This turned into a war of cake bettween me and Ash, then somehow, Amanda. I had cake EVERYWHERE in my clothes. And Steven walked up the stairs as I was talking to Ashley... naked. Yes, naked. Well, I was wearing a towel, but I'm not sure if he knew that, so for all intensive purposes, I was naked. This caused a spark of interest among those bored downstairs. Namely David who was heard saying, "Naked? Woah, what did you see man?" and such coments. And Steven had to hold back those trying to recreate the incident. All in fun. I got to see EDD today. Yeah, but I didn't find out till later that it was EDD, not David. Later, David let me know that it was his alter ego talking to me since after we fell asleep on the trampoline. Well, Ashley is getting tired of hearing me type, so, untill later. Night.

CMaZ

Okay, I haven’t posted in a while. I was on a roll there for a while, but I got grounded for a day and I got knocked all out of whack. I hope to keep this up far into my life. My archives will be ridiculously huge. I will have to divide them into huge monthly chunks. Or make a template for a separate archive site. Damn, the thought of being on blogger for so long as to need a whole page for archives. Amazing. Just another sign that I have no life and I am slowly being drawn more and more toward the computer. I'm chatting with David and Ashley right now. My lord, I may be beginning to really "like, like" David. I was listing his personality traits and with each one I felt more and more attracted to him. And I told him that too. I was never one for coyness, as I never learned how to be coy. I am forever doomed to be straight forward in matters of romantic endeavors. Wow, sucks to be. Just this moment I told David that, yes, giving oral sex is a turn on for me, yes, he has done something that has turned me on and yes I was turned on because I find him attractive. My god, could I be any more forward? No, no I couldn't. Why am I doing this to him? He just got out of a shitty relationship with a shit of a girl and he needs space from the shit I’m giving him. Argh, I hate me. Why am I such a bad friend? I wish I wasn't. I wish I could be a good friend to everyone I care about. But, a lot of the time in fact, I screw up. I shouldn't but I do. And usually I do it to support my own wants. I want David. Therefore, I forget, while I am around him, that he needs space away from girls and drama. It is so much fun to hang out with him and see how hard I can hit on him. I practically offered him oral sex. Well I actually did offer him oral, but in a joking way. Should I be doing this? No. Will I stop anytime soon? No. Is it fun? Yes sir! Okay, I just told him a lot of how I feel about him. I think I will paste this art work here, if he says I can. I pretty much said how attracted I am to him and why. I am such an idiot. I don't deserve to be his friend. But if he wants to be my friend then I am only glad. My god, I know I had these posts talking about how mad I was, but mostly I was mad because I care about what he thinks about me. Just like I care what all my friends think about me personality wise. I know it’s the fad these days to say you don’t care what anyone else thinks but I do. I don’t want my friends to secretly hate me and plot against me, a la Ceaser. Et tu Ashley? LoL. Well, yeah, I think I may like David in the sense that I find him more appealing than just a friend. Oh, Jesus, I just told him I think our flirting is innocent. WHY AM I SUCH A LIAR? I am so glad you read this David. It is much easier to leave out my thoughts for you all to review and ask me about them later. Much easier than telling you under a system that you can reply to right away. Maybe I’m a wimp, a coward, a loser, a hang-on or an unwanted admirer. Not that I admire you for being attractive. It’s more that I kinda like you. In the sense of the word that means embarrassment, rejection, humiliation, pain and all that other good stuff. Like I just did right now. Rejected. Someone should stamp it on my forehead. Basically he just told me that I can go ahead and flirt all I want, he doesn’t care. Wow, do I feel special. No, I feel pretty low now. Well, you can all still view my transgression from happy to put down. Nothing to see here folks, just another rejected kid from the burbs. Dime a dozen. I should go to bed. Now, in fact. I have to wake up and go to Ashley’s party thing. And of course, be shot down again and again. Makes me feel happy for the day. A brite and cheery outlook for my future. Damn, I am the most oathetic thing I have ever seen. So sad yet true. My strife should be a lesson for my future. Go fuck myself. I am the only one who will these days. My god, he knows everything about me, that is why. He is a fucking liar, he really thinks I am dirty and wouldn’t ever actually touch me. Damn, now I am just shooting at shadows. You were right the first time. He wants your friendship, he needs space and you are a good friend. Maybe I just think higher of him than he thinks of me. I feel even worse with the truth. Aw, damn, why does one comment from him immediately change my mood? I’m such a silly little girl. I should never write about stuff as it happens ever again. I’ll write later, when I am more sure of how I feel. HA! Like I will ever be sure of how I feel about anything

I have been censored by the tryranical forces out of my control. Namely, my mother grounded me from 08/12 - 08/13 (when i will finnaly be allowed to make this post). Meaning, no internet. At all. No blogging. This post is being transcripted from a notebook with neon pink paper. Writing, with my hand. Such an unusual thing. LoL. I don't write in many of my paper journals anymore. Almost all of my renagade thoughts are caught and held at my BlogSpot.com. Crazyness, how quickly I had made that transition. At least i don't doubt, in my mind, why I have a blog. I did it because my handwriting sucks. A lot of people have jumbed the web logging band-wagon sincemany rip off sites have come along, claiming originality. Like the online gated-community that is xanga.com. Xanga.com blows. I hate how you can't even customize your own shit on there. Everyone's journal looks the same, except for the people who pay. So stupid. At blogger, you have complete control over the arrearence of your site. I guess that scares some people. I know that i learned more HTML working on my template than i ever learned by just listening to some one talk about it. Ha, i just noticed that once i can't blog, I'm writing (on paper)a psot about blogging. This is how big of a part of my life it has become. I just realized i could have typed this in Word and cut and pasted it once my grounding is over.I dunno, this feels better


There is more to this, but i am far too lazy to write the rest

Another day and I did absolutley nothing. Nothing whatsoever was done by me that could ever be of any use to anyone. And, after i finish this post, I am going to go write some more in a story I never plan to show anyone. So totally useless, it feels just a little odd. But in that good way. I'm just sitting and listening to music and writing shit down. So much fun. Aw, there goes the dogs, barking at something. I'm just going to sit here and let someone else get it. I am so loving this. Tomorow i have to do a bunch of shit, so for right now, I am doing nothing. Two more weeks and i have to go back to school. I'm sorta excited, in all actuality. It should be my year. I have a schuedule that is so packed other people just asked how I got the administration to let me do it. I have zero period and a full day. Seven classes, as opposed to the regular six, the maximum usually allowed. I am starting to figure out who i am, i would never be so presumptious as to say i already know who I am. I am slowly finding out how far i will go, what i won't say and how i want to appear. Yes, how you look is important. Those who say that it never matters what you wear are lying through their teeth, and you doamn well that those people thought out excatly how tattered their clothes look and know how they want to look. No matter what a person is wearing, you know they had to put some thought into it. It is only our nature, unrefutable and undeniable. I know that I may look sloppy, boyish and quite "seattle" or "Portland" (according to my Aunt Jill, who works at the airport), but believe me, i put thought into it, and my sloppieness is highly calculated. The dirtier the pants, the tighter the t-shirt. It all works out even though I am the only one who thinks that I actually look pretty hot on most days. My black vans pants were just washed and looked spiffy so, and because my legs were finally shaved, i wore them as shorts with my worst looking black t-shirt, the sorta holey, faded, tribal spiderman shirt. Tied my hair back and didn't gel the short hairs back like i do most of the time. I hate in when girls pull out hair to hang out of their ponytails or buns. It just looks stupid. I have to wear that part of my hair out because it is too short to pull back. Looks terrible, in my honest opinion, to tell you the truth. Ahh, David finally signed back on. I am so bored here, with no one to talk to about how i am doing nothing. Oh, and my theme song is playing. I put my Jukebox (i only use it because iy automatically organizes and catalouges the CDs i rip) on auto Dj, and my theme finally came up. I don't really like the band, but the lead singer is hot, which is why i bought the CD in the first place. I had a dream about the guy too. Sugar Ray. Yeah, yeah, the musoc, for the most part, blows. But there is one song that I think, as well as other, would be chossen as the theme song for my life, if anyone were to ever decide to make my life a series. Falls Apart. I'll paste the lyrics at the bottom, for your enjoyment. Ooo, good idea, i make a new sidebar where i can paste new lyrics whenever the urge to do so strikes me. Woo hoo. that is so going to happen if i don't think of a reason why not soon. As soon as school starts, I hope i can can still regularly blog. I will have so much homework it won't even be funny. No more hanging out after school for two hours. No more reading a novel befor egetting started on my homework(that is an exaggeration, but not by much). I have to do everything after the homework. And i have to do it all. I can't screw up my last chance to redeem myself. I want to go to college, i want to write and i want respect for what I have done by myself in my life. Yeah, I'm prideful, who give a shit? I like my personality, for the most part. Like when i can outsmart my stupid blonde therapist, that is one of the things i like. I like being able to not need anyone. I like being able to be friends with anyone i want. I enjoy being able to think beyond the comprehension of a two year-old(cough... kelly ...cough). It is fun to run mental circles around my parents and Annie. Thes are the perks of being me. The cons of living in my skin, however, are far too numerous to type. So, I will leave myself with this nice little esteem booster. *Yay*. Well, nighty time for me. I want to go shopping tomorow. Get more school shit. Damn.

FALLS APART

She falls apart by herself
No ones there to talk or understand
Feels sustained, dries her eyes
Finds herself, opens the door inside.
People see right through you
Everyone who knew you well.
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasteful

Runaway runaway
Hold, hold you but your going away
Runaway runaway
Hold you tomorrow but your leaving today

You walk along by yourself
There's no sound, nothing is changing
Been gone away, left you there
Emptiness is nothing you can't share
All those words that hurt you
More than you would let it show
Comes apart, by yourself
All is well and everything is wasted

Runaway runaway
Hold, hold you but your going away
Runaway runaway
Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today

Sometimes we'll feel around and this dance instead can't be down
All the sound of me on my own
Any sound of me again it's time away surround around a friend
I know where I know where no where to runaway

She falls apart, no one there
Hold her hand, it seems to disappear
Falls apart, might as well
Day is long and nothing is wasted

Runaway runaway
Hold, hold you but your going away
Runaway runaway
Hold (Want) you tomorrow but your leaving today
Runaway Runaway
Hold (Want) hold you (Want) but your going away
But your leaving today, but your leaving today

Good night to all. I am going to bed and thought I would make a post to say that, thinking that by writing the post I could procrastinate my falling to sleep. Having started my post with nothing to say, I wonder where this will go, seeing as I am totally aimless here. Hey, I just found out something. You all know about the "comment" from David right? If not read my old posts. Either way, I asked him today what he really thought of me. Appearently, not much. I was a little dissapointed. But then you know I can't expect him to be like Ashley and tell me everything he feels about me. Not that either are really that great, but in this situation, I really would have perferred the "Ashley" approach from david. Of course I said something sarcastic about the lack of comment and, predictably, he delveld into self-pity. I really want to help him with that, but I don't know how. And it sucks to watch a friend do that to themselves and to you. I mean, I know it sounds selfish but, I don't like talking with someone who is doing that type of shizzy. I guess it is to be expected though, I mean he had a shitty relationship. And that fat whore used him. So strange.... what if Ashley is right? What if I have a crush on him? Huh? I can't even stand the thought. I mean he obviously has no respect for me. I mean, otherwise, how could he have said anything like that to me? Eh. And I thought he was nice. Eh. I guess not so much. I never wanted to be "with" him, I don't think. I have too goddamned much going on right now. And he is so mean. Seriously. He wrote me a testimonial and he said I was the mean one, but now that I think about it, he is actually really mean. He made me sorta cry. After he said that shit to me, I cried about it. Not then of course, I was too mad, but later, I cried. He hurt me that much with one poorly constructed statement. How thick-skulled am I? Please don't answer that. I doubt I will like the response. I have now succesfully deprressed myself further. Jesus. I always steer my convo's to something that makes me unhappy. That is why I have such a sad blog, I do it on semi-accident. Maybe I should change the template again. Something black and gloomy. Like the abuse one. It shows a wierd, blurry, suggestive shape and it says something along the lines of, use me, abuse me. Very Nirvana, if I do say so. And very fitting to how I feel. But then I didn't make that one, so the fun would be all gone. "I think I got alot of friends but I don't hear from them. What's another night all alone, when you're spending everyday on your own." Yeah I know the band is extremly poppy and mainstream, but if you listen only to obscure artists, you are just as limited as the kid who relies solely on TRL to bring him new music. So what, yeah most of the artists I listen to are easily recognizable, who gives a fuck? I don't judge my taste on how underground a band is. If i did, I would be just as close minded as you. I don't do trends, but they influence the shit around me. I have Britney Spears first CD. But it was Annie who bought the second one. She was ruled by the trend. She, Britney, wasn't great so why buy a second cd? Annie did, because it was the cool thing. Fucking loser. She still does the same thing, in every aspect of her life. Retard, living as someone who doesn't exist. She is trying to make some sort of a Old-Navy/Hot Topic hybrid. It doesn't work. She looks like a refugee from In Living Color. So pathetic. And she is trying to become all moody. She doesn't really pull it off well. And I still don't know what her talent is. I mean, for me and frankie, it was pretty damn obvious. He could draw and write and i could write then, later, draw somewhat. We both knew, really early, what we could do well. So far, from Annie, no sign of anything. Her story telling is abominable and she can't draw for shit. She can whine, but she can't say jack shit in front of an audience, nor a telephone. She can sorta type faster than me, which isn't saying much. But no discernable talent. Nothing, nada, nil, sans talent. LOL, okay, my cat just sorta tried to roll over, to get my attention from the computer screen, then she fell off the bed, a la Clueless! Hahahaha. I love that cat, even though i don't really like her. I didn't want a cat, Annie did. Why am I taking care of it? I don't like cats for the most part. I am much more of a dog person. Dogs are cool. They will chase shit you throw at them. Throw something at a cat and suffer the wrath of claws. Evil bastards, the whole lot of them. Well, now I am really tired. So, wrapping this up, the world is a strange place, and this is why I don't know what to do about David. Yeah that about sums up everything important about this blog. Hopefully my little bug in publishing will be gone. Hopefully. I think my blog is becoming way too important to me. Night.

Good night to all. I am going to bed and thought I would make a post to say that, thinking that by writing the post I could procrastinate my falling to sleep. Having started my post with nothing to say, I wonder where this will go, seeing as I am totally aimless here. Hey, I just found out something. You all know about the "comment" from David right? If not read my old posts. Either way, I asked him today what he really thought of me. Appearently, not much. I was a little dissapointed. But then you know I can't expect him to be like Ashley and tell me everything he feels about me. Not that either are really that great, but in this situation, I really would have perferred the "Ashley" approach from david. Of course I said something sarcastic about the lack of comment and, predictably, he delveld into self-pity. I really want to help him with that, but I don't know how. And it sucks to watch a friend do that to themselves and to you. I mean, I know it sounds selfish but, I don't like talking with someone who is doing that type of shizzy. I guess it is to be expected though, I mean he had a shitty relationship. And that fat whore used him. So strange.... what if Ashley is right? What if I have a crush on him? Huh? I can't even stand the thought. I mean he obviously has no respect for me. I mean, otherwise, how could he have said anything like that to me? Eh. And I thought he was nice. Eh. I guess not so much. I never wanted to be "with" him, I don't think. I have too goddamned much going on right now. And he is so mean. Seriously. He wrote me a testimonial and he said I was the mean one, but now that I think about it, he is actually really mean. He made me sorta cry. After he said that shit to me, I cried about it. Not then of course, I was too mad, but later, I cried. He hurt me that much with one poorly constructed statement. How thick-skulled am I? Please don't answer that. I doubt I will like the response. I have now succesfully deprressed myself further. Jesus. I always steer my convo's to something that makes me unhappy. That is why I have such a sad blog, I do it on semi-accident. Maybe I should change the template again. Something black and gloomy. Like the abuse one. It shows a wierd, blurry, suggestive shape and it says something along the lines of, use me, abuse me. Very Nirvana, if I do say so. And very fitting to how I feel. But then I didn't make that one, so the fun would be all gone. "I think I got alot of friends but I don't hear from them. What's another night all alone, when you're spending everyday on your own." Yeah I know the band is extremly poppy and mainstream, but if you listen only to obscure artists, you are just as limited as the kid who relies solely on TRL to bring him new music. So what, yeah most of the artists I listen to are easily recognizable, who gives a fuck? I don't judge my taste on how underground a band is. If i did, I would be just as close minded as you. I don't do trends, but they influence the shit around me. I have Britney Spears first CD. But it was Annie who bought the second one. She was ruled by the trend. She, Britney, wasn't great so why buy a second cd? Annie did, because it was the cool thing. Fucking loser. She still does the same thing, in every aspect of her life. Retard, living as someone who doesn't exist. She is trying to make some sort of a Old-Navy/Hot Topic hybrid. It doesn't work. She looks like a refugee from In Living Color. So pathetic. And she is trying to become all moody. She doesn't really pull it off well. And I still don't know what her talent is. I mean, for me and frankie, it was pretty damn obvious. He could draw and write and i could write then, later, draw somewhat. We both knew, really early, what we could do well. So far, from Annie, no sign of anything. Her story telling is abominable and she can't draw for shit. She can whine, but she can't say jack shit in front of an audience, nor a telephone. She can sorta type faster than me, which isn't saying much. But no discernable talent. Nothing, nada, nil, sans talent. LOL, okay, my cat just sorta tried to roll over, to get my attention from the computer screen, then she fell off the bed, a la Clueless! Hahahaha. I love that cat, even though i don't really like her. I didn't want a cat, Annie did. Why am I taking care of it? I don't like cats for the most part. I am much more of a dog person. Dogs are cool. They will chase shit you throw at them. Throw something at a cat and suffer the wrath of claws. Evil bastards, the whole lot of them. Well, now I am really tired. So, wrapping this up, the world is a strange place, and this is why I don't know what to do about David. Yeah that about sums up everything important about this blog. Hopefully my little bug in publishing will be gone. Hopefully. I think my blog is becoming way too important to me. Night.

Hello, I am back from my fun adventures with Frankie, Mother, Clint and Annie(arr). We got to El Torito, made fun of just about everything, went to Millers Outpost to buy my bag, found the store closed, pounded on the glass for a good few minutes then left for home. Quite amusing, all in all. David hasn't come over yet. His away says that he is eating dinner. I left him a IM before I left with everyone to call me so he could come over. Argh.... so bored and I really want that bag, it would look so freaking good with my first track jacket ever. And you all know that Crista doesn't care about matching so we all know this is uber-cool to me. When was the last time I wanted a purse? Never, the closest was that bag at Stevens Creek Army Surplus that looked like it had a blood stain. That was cool but was expensive, some fifty dollars or the like. I could spend my money much better than all of it on one bag. I hope I don't have to move to a new blog. This one said there was some problem publishing. Something like no more room and that my 550 wouldn't open. So I may have to move soon. Grr... I don't want to, I like it here. I had to do this template twice and yeah. Let us hope I never have to move. BWAHahahahahha.

P.S. Dad still isn't home yet.

I was getting out of the shower and going into my room when I thought to myself, "Clothes can wait, let us blog!" So here I am, in a towel, typing on the computer. I am such a freak, but so darn cute! I turned off my AIM for the first time since I got my computer. Quite a step forward in the direction of freedom from my compulsion, that is blogging and instant messanging. Yesterday was my last day as god, today Ashley starts her reign. OmA (oh my Ashley), I have nothing to say! I said that there just so I could use the OmA acronyom. So, yeah, right now I am getting ready to go to El Torito's with Frankie, Clint and maybe Mom and Annie. I had a really long convo with Clint last night, oddly enough. It was mostly about Duy, but it kinda tied in with what happened between me and David. He really needs to fix his self-pity problem. David I mean, not Clint. David has way too much self-pity as an after affect of his stint with Fuck-face-and-more Felly. I mean Kelly, sorry I got her name confused with fellatio. Even though no guy in his right mind would want her ugly face on his dick, kelly was very proud that she had what she called DSL. Dick Sucking Lips. She was an all mighty moron and had no idea that this supposed facial feature was actually the acronyom for Direct Server Link. Fucking moron. But hell, I don't need to get mad about that piece of shit right now. I have a good life for the most part, even if I refuse to acknowledge it. Mother and Dad had a pretty bad argument this morning. Dad still isn't back yet. And Mother is being especially nice to me, becasue I was the only one awake at the time of the boil, so I got a pretty bad douse of tounge lashing this morning. Something along the lines of, Mother wasted her life on us and she regrets ever having children and maybe Dad should just get a girlfriend of his to clean the house. God, I hate this shit. It bothers me. I don't want to hear it, it is not for children to know. Like bills. Mother always informs me of the state of our financial situation and that depresses the fuck out of me. Anyway, I have to get ready now, so if you read this before I proof it, sorry, refresh it in another few hours and all will be fine. Later.

CMaZ

Oh yeah, i re-did the archives. I think they are easier to read this way. If you have any problems with the links, comment here. I will fix it as soon as I can. Wouldn't want anyone to miss out on my terribly boring and redundant past.

okay I was a little over reactive when I wrote that. Forgive me, and thank you Melanie, it's good to be riminded sometimes. I didn't even know you read my blog.... Excuse my rude behaviour. I really don't want to be mad. Really. It isn't good for me. And it physically hurts me. It is against my better wishes to be mad, but I get mad every so often. I have been getting way too mad and emotional the last few days. I dont really feel the ways that I type. I really mean that(despite the obvious contradiction of that). Sometimes my feeling come off stronger in print than they do when I talk. That is why I have a blog, to concentrate my feelings somewhere other than myself. So that way I can deal with them, my thoughts and feelings, seperatly and detached. But sometimes getting to a computer just isn't close enough to catch the worst of it. And sometimes I am too mad to type for the most part. I am sorry for my outburst and I would delete the post, but I don't believe in doing that. I think what I recorded must stand because for at least the time it took to write and publish, I whole heartedly believed it. And I need to remeber that feeling. Not that I hate someone, or that I have a crush on so-and-so, but that yes, I still do feel. That I have not gotten to where I am without fighting. All of my feelings, good and bad, are a stuggle. I notice too much. It's what makes me funny (humble child i am, eh?) and what makes me so easily anything, if I don't fight it. Without a constant struggle I would never have a normal mood. I would be all about extreme moods. Even the so called subtle moods are amazingly intense for me. Ever since forever. I could never understand how everyone else could take everything in such stride. Things that could completely throw me off would hardly affect them. Ironically, I didn't have nearly as much sensitivity to physical touch. I might whine a little at a dislocated finger (middle left 5th grade) and I became a little watery eyed at my fractured wrist (right 4th grade). Yet, when I saw A Little Princess, the movie, I cried a great many tears and I couldn't stop thinking about how brave Sarah was and how everything that happened to her only made her even better than before. Better than I will ever be. This one girl now had the power to change a world and at nine she already had a good start. I was in third grade when I first read the classic novel. I have the copy that I read then. I was pretty upset as I read the book, put as I said, when I saw the movie and saw Sarah and Becky and Lavender I couldn't help it, I had to cry. It was the combination of knowing how they felt inside the whole time (book) and seeing their faces and the little girls (movie). Because now, when I read the book, I cry even more. I am going way too far out to show my point. I feel too much, but i repress it so it seems as if I don't feel. I repress so much and so often that nobody knows who I dislike or who I like because I hide it all. And this explains the blog. You see me everyday but now you can know what I feel. And know. Know for sure. It is why I have to be completely truthful here, lest I actually lose myself in the high school trivialties. I pray I never turn into a social climbing shit face like Kelly.

I got into a fight with David last night. It was actually less of a fight as it was David saying something stupid, me getting very mad and then David apologizing profusley so I don't castrate him in his sleep. What he said... arr, I still want to kill. But he did send and apologie on one of those fucking e-cards I hate. he did remember my favorite sanrio character, Badtz-Maru, and used that for the card. But I did tell him that if he didn't send emails, phone calls and money, if avaliable, that I would quite likely try to injure him. And he would deserve it. I'm going to paste what he said here, but I'm going to take the name off so you all dont try and flame him, even if he deserves it. PeachyKeen840 (11:43:07 PM): that was like a mini porno as it is...


PeachyKeen840 (11:43:10 PM): jesus

PeachyKeen840 (11:44:27 PM): any more and i would just feel... dirty

DAVID, (11:45:51 PM): oh yeesh..your 86% honry anyway...and you were with donavin arent you dirty enough after that?

PeachyKeen840 (11:46:08 PM): fuck you

PeachyKeen840 (11:46:38 PM): just fuck you. that was hella uncalled for


Right after that he began apologizing and delving into depths of self pity never before reached. So, of course, I'm still hurt. I have to be accepted and if one of my very closest friends will say shit like that to me to hear more of a goddamned sex dream, then what the fuck will the people who don't like me do? Why are all peope such assholes at heart. Yeah this one "little" incident is making me doubt the veracity of all mankind. A little extremist, but I always have been. Extreme, I mean. So let us make the broad statement that all of mankind is being reverted to its asshole roots. Fine, I hate them all too. You all can go fuck yourselfs. Even those of you who will call me your friend, I call you my bane. The edge on my straight razor, the spark to the flame of hate in me, the the heart of my cruel and depressed life. FUCK OFF! I hate everyone equally for being so mean to me. For disregarding me when convientient for you, for using me to unlaod your pain then leave me out after you are finished. You all suck, and are fucked up by calling me your friend. How often do I complain? How often do I call you and ask for help in my personal matters? Or ask everyone over. Fucking Pieter, have I heard from you? Or Daniel, either one? Has anyone bothered with me? NO, you all read my blog(most of you at least) and assume that you know eveything now and that since I wrote it down, i no longer need to talk about it. Holy fuck, that is why I hate all of you. You don't even tell me. I'm all fucking alone, from now untill whenever. Maybe tommorow, tommorow, tommorow or today. Today and the next. Ha. David you asshole, look what happened. Why? You didn't even tell me why you said it.

yeah... i deleted my template... THE BASE OF THIS SITE! i erased it in a stupid accidet that left me with only the blogger tags. i could kill. I am just finishing it now. i could kill pop-ups and my stupidity.

arrgh... I am an idiot. I stayed up all night, again. Without the aid of caffiene (marcus). I did accomplish quite a bit. I... well.... Yeah i did nothing but sit online and talk to David. That was actually really fun. I hate Kelly for hurting him STUPID ANIT(for those of us in the know). Goddamn. I could kill. But then, so could anyone about now, kill Kelly, i mean. ARRRGHGGGGGGHHHH.... it's really hard to convey the array of sounds i make when i am angry. It could be seen as funny. I laugh when i think about it. I just always make funny sounds. Another "me" thing... David said he scanned my posts for his name, so now i am going to use David's name to an excess, forever. Or untill I get bored of saying David. David is still talking to me on AIM. I have been up all night talking to David. And, of course, David was talking back. The name "David" is biblical. David is a name from the bible. God, am I tired, huh David? For some (David) reason, I just remembered a movie, the third (david) excorsist. It was probably a bomb in theaters, but it was funny (David) to watch with Frankie. I don'[t (David) know eveything about Frankie(David). Okay I just looked back at the last three or so sentences. I'm so sorry, but I was up all night (david) and I can't really type coherently when I am this tired. So for now, late.

CMaZ

damn. Whenever i get a really good post going, i always misplace it somehow. Bastards. I wont mess around and try to write the same thing again. It would only be a pathetic attempt and would embarrass me even more than the shame of having lost it. It was mostly about how I want to retain what dignity I have now, sexually wise. I mentioned how I never want to do most of the things i dreamed of doing(it was a literal dream, I had nothing to do with it). Anyway, since I was just cleaning the gecko's cage I want to talk about them. My god they are getting pretty. Awww, just so nice and bright again. And fat, I've been giving them WAY too many mealworms but I love my geckos so they are worth it. As soon as Lady Marmalade gets fatter, I'm going to try and hand train her again. She is just so pretty when she gets fat that I want to be able to really look at her like I have BiggaJiggaWhat. I really need more of a life, but this one is so easy. It is so much easier to not talk about everyone and so much easier to sit alone with leopard geckos. It's all becasue I am a gutless shroom. I don't know why I'm a shroom, but it seemed appropriate at the time. I'm just way too odd for my own good. One of these days, I'm going to entierly drift off into oddness and never come back. I will speak entirely in my own code consisting of male genitilia and movie quotes. That is how odd I will become. So sad but so easy. I am always taking the easy way out. It's just the way I am. I can't help it. I don't want to have to deal with being normal because that means I have to meet expectations, and why in hell would I want to do that? I wouldn't ,that's why. I wouldnt becasue it's just easier to be me because I can blame eveything on the fact that you don't understand me because I am odd. OH JESUS I HATE THAT WHORE KELLY! Fuck her up the ass by an excited rhino. First she told me i was trying too hard and that iI used too many big words. The she switched off into saying that I couldn't type and that i would lose IQ points by reading what I had written. I called her, quite patronizingly, a little bundle of contradictions. She probably doesn't know what contradiction means, so that joke was lost on her. She said I had no life, no true friends and nothing to do but bother her. I didn't say it, but she pretty much described herself. So I was able to maintain most of my good humour and she just kept getting angrier, which, in all reality, is quite amusing. Too bad she has no idea what satire is so she probably didn't understand my jokes in my last two rants at her. David is such a good friend, she is an idiot to ruin a friendship with him. I was skimming through the mixed CD he burned for me and the first song was described by him to be the ambodiement of his and Kelly's relationship. It was really quite sad to hear how bad it made him feel. How that dumbass piece of shit could make a good guy feel so bad and used and empty. He needs to get over that over-dyed, trailer-trash, My-daddy-left-my-family-with-the-nanny-Jerry-springer-special ugly fat fuck. How did so much of his time get wasted on her. Not to mention that she ate hella of his money. He was always buying her something to eat. It was sickening, especially watching her eat. She always had food clinging to her straw-like hair and on top of the generous swell of her stomache (some of which she tried to push into her bra, unsuccessfully i might add). It was like the 13 Ghosts character. Dire Mother and Child, or something like that. Either way, it was gross. But she crawled back in to my life, so I had to deal with it. Oh god, she seemed to display her stretch marks. It is wrongness. Eewww. And I let her hump my leg for the sake of "get-along, go-along" . I am disgusted I HATE!!!. ARRRR! (i am pirate, hear me arr.). JESUS FUCKING CHRIST TAKE HER NOW AND SEND HER TO FUCKING HELL. to burn off her fat, only to have it immediatly replaced. Burn, bitch, burn. Tell me the only fucking way to make david feel better is to fuck around with him. That's what you did, fuck-face. I have class.

I'm at Ashley's house right now. Thought I would do a token post so you knew what i was doing right now. The speed I type is being made fun of. I type not very fast at all. Very slowly, in fact. Just so you know how much effort I put into these posts. Ashley is sitting in her bed making fun of me as I type this. It's really quite cruel as I can't go home till tommorow. I feel so abused, in that good way. I had a VERY weird dream last night. So strange, you have no idea. Well to stop the abuse of Crista, in least in the matter of the speed of typing, I will stop for now. More details on my night at Ashley's house and (maybe) about my dream tommorow.

The Holy War of Mac versus PC. I love this type of thing. People get way too emotional about stuff that really doesn't matter. But then again, I guess that's me too. I am way too bothered by the stuff I shouldn't care about. Like the romantic endeavors of extremely attractive pop/rock stars. hehe. I will be promoted to complete stalker status soon enough. BWAHAHAHahahaha. Okay, I am a recent discover-er of Kazaa. I spend way too much time on the internet. It's addicting. I've found some really good websites too. I will have to update my procrastination bar on this site soon. Maybe, eventually, my blog will become the turning point of procrastination. I would do another evil laugh here, but that will just be a little too odd and someone may notice (paranoia, paranoia, everbody's coming to get me). I will update my links and quotes soon enough.

CMaZ

i am gushing my mistakes to ashley. WHY? and my pity for myself. Which is self-pity. I have way too much time to think about my own mistakes.

okay i swear i wrote that post on 8/2 before i read Ashleys xanga. The other day ash was asking me if i read her xange. I dont so i said no and didnt think anything else of it. Then Heather asks if i read her blog, strang , but i dont really notice. Then DAVID tells me I SHOULD read it. I do and the one for 8/1 is mostly about me (or is that my big head talking?). either way, it had my name a bunch of times and was primarily about ashley. Thus would be about me and ashley. Sorta. She is dealing with self-realization, discovey and self-evident truths about herself. An dthe slight onset of miniscule amounts of maturity. Abliet, no one who states "I am mature" is actually mature. And her claim off new maturity makes me wary. As always. She is trying, which is always a plus. And, I, myself, am guilty of entierly self-centered posts. So, either way, I am amazed at how niave she was to how I felt before she read my blog. This blog (I only have two). Well I guess thats why it's her. To lure my brian into a place where it thinks no one can hear it so I can get my real, true, heartfelt feelings out. And when i type, most of the time i think i have no audience. That is why i live off the posts i get. What you are feeding back to me is opinions on who I really think i am. Yes this is a plea for more feedback, comment or email or anything. But it's also how i feel so suck a duck. Sometimes i wish nobady else was real (is that deep enough for you?). Sometimes. My mood just suddenly turned melonchaly, so whatever. Yeah, i do wish that sometimes. I wouldnt have to deal with anything because i would know that it didnt matter. That i could wake up at any moment and not remember. I really feel likei am in a dream sometimes. Mostly when i think about my future. I think that is why The Matrix was such a success. More people must feel the same as i do. Like the world isnt real, that it doesnt even feel real. SOmetimes not even true love feels real. Just sad, and flat and like a cheap facade over the real thing. Or fake gold coat over real silver. The fake gold is tacky and bad looking but there is no way to get to the true thing anymore. And its frustratng, because you know you cant deal with the fake for much longer, but you have to if you ever want to feel the real thing. I get anxiety attacks. after that, everything is pretty fake. Have you ever had a anxiety attack? The tunnel vision is what gets me. If you've never had it, its black all at the edges of your eyes, it all fades into the middle, you feel a little dizzy, then the black fades away, leaving you doubting whether it ever happened at all. But whenever this happens to me, i doubt my own existance. I look in a mirror, and if i look too closley at any feature, i cant recognize myself. scary. I can breath fine, but i feel like even if i stopped right then, i wouldn't mind. Like everything is so fake at this point that the air isn't even real, just something to make me think i am awake. I know this is a Zen thing, but once i actually dreamed i was a butterfly. It was so real, i gasped when i woke up. What if im actually a butterfly, dreaming that she is a girl. Will i wake up and fly away. Is my whole life the fancy of a insect? What if, i am my own dream? I will wake up and nothing that is important to this me, exists when i wake up. I could be anybody, and not even be aware of it. When they wake up, they remember me, an dwhen i sleep i get snatches of them. But becasue i am the dream, i dont remember all of it, just the best parts. That means the real me might have already had sex with Mark McGrath, David boreanza, a female whose face i never saw(yum, that was fun), an Jerome (and Jerome, if you read this, i swear it's just a dream, i had nothing to do with it outside the dream thing. NOT MY FAULT!). or maybe dreams can have their own dreams, whilst waiting to be dreamt. My whole life could be a dream. This is a possibility to be considered. Or maybe i just have a sociopathic problem and need a new hobby.

too tired to fix mistakes in last post. Please ignore.

ha, me alone, in the middle of the night, in my room, drenched in the glow from my power-sucking, gamma-ray-emmiting, big-ass-screen moniter. Bed is a mess... one half-eaten bowl of cheese enchiladas (yes, i ate enchiladas from a bowl, im weird, we know this) still sitting on my desk, by the mouse pad, just as lonely as I am. 1:57 in the morning and im guzzeling the orange drink (soda, would i drink juice? HA! well i would and i love orange juice but that is SO beside the point right now). I just got off Everyonesconnected right now. I'm happy. My excessive posting is finally getting me noticed. I have completely filled my "last five people to visit you" list. And that one hot guy is on it, so im glad. My constant stalking of his profile helped.... My complete lack of life is quite funny. That nice girl from some island or something dropped me a line, too. You ever notice that what ever I was doing right before I start to blog, it's always what a huge chunk of my blog is about. Do I really care about EC? No, not really. But it was what I was doing last, so that's the mode mind I'm in. Oh yeah, this is mostly in reference to ashley, when I blog, I go into author mode. I type faster ( i often have to republish my posts 4-7 times to fix errors), I say stuff clearer, and when I'm angry, clearer translates into sharper, more cutting and far more painful to read. Same goes for anyone I post negatively (or positively, I'm afraid to say to all those kind kind people at EC whoms' praises I was just singing) about. My blog is like uber-concetrated Crista, far more potent. Dillute with three times its' own wieght in water and i'm somewhere around there. What i say, angry or not, is always the truth in my mind. What I say is always what I feel. Emotion and passion, in writing, is not something I can turn on and off, like some people. Just, I am far clearer in my blog because I can go back, revise, sharpen my words and spend extra minutes going through my didctionary to achieve a somewhat decent level of appropriate word choice in here. (6:05 AM in my time zone, just keeping you informed). I hope you enjoy this. This blog was produced through the all-night, non-sexual endeavors of a very tired girl. First I couldn't eat, now I'm not sleeping. If I didn't know better, I would say it's the guy screwing me up. But I know better... don't I? Pray the future tell. Hey! Maybe I can pass of the whole waif look today! Not eating for a few days made my pants a bit loose and the bags under my eyes... woo wee! I might be ably to pass this off with a little bit of eyeliner. Nah, I'm a little too well nourished (and too umm, well-endowed *ahem*) to be waif. Oh, if I had only been around during the Marliyn Monroe days. *sigh* She was beautiful. Then that damn Twiggy came along. Skinny whore. Why did the malnourished-war-child-who-has-recently-aquired-many-intestinal-disorders look stick? Dude, my cousin, Mel, does the whole model thing and she looks sorta normal, thickskinned at the worst, in all of her pictures, the ads, mervyn's catalog thingys. Once you she her in real life though, it's like damn, where did she go? Makes me wonder about the girls who look thin in the catalog. These girls must be skin, bone and enough muscle to hide the jutting hip bone and mile-high collar bone. Am I jealous? Yes, I think I am. I am (i must stop using this word) pathetic. AH, I must call shipman! I almost forgot. A lot of this drama is circling him, and I wonder if he realized this yet. Maybe he set it up? But he would have to have another lever on David. Other than Kelly. I think. Becasue if he was working solely through Kelly... Not even Daniel is that subtle. And that would involve Ashley. But then Ash said he called her... and seeds of doubt about me... knowing (did I tell him???) about my history with Kelly. ARGH! I need my journal! I wish I remebered where I put it... I may have throw it away... it would have been 5444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444444566666666666666666
(my cat, she turned num lock on too if you wanted to know) Anyway, I don't care. I needed to stop thinking along those lines anyway. I don't need to know the truth, I really have to stop all my manipulating bull. Stopping now... For now, at least. i really need a new hobby (6:44 AM). Any way. I'm going to straighten up. I can't live like this forever, now can I? (i put this in a new post to prove the time)

Oh shit, the stupid twitch in my DSL last night wiped my last post away. It was a long one too. stupid computer always claims my best art. I didnt notice till just before the demon pc desrtoyed it, but that post was all about me. How i felt. You think for someone as self-centered as me, it would be easy to write posts dealing only with myself. But i dont. I almost always have to blame my problems on someone else. Even in my stories, if there's a character based, even loosely, on me, then I never make any problem directly their fault. A mind block i guess. I'm going to have to fix that if i ever want to write more variedly. Whast the fun in reading a 200 page chunk of self-pity? Except thats kinda what my blogs are. Sorta. Mostly. Argh, my class-credits-what-you-have-to-do-as-of-now paper came from the school the other day. All my mom said to me was, "Do you know what your GPA is?" Of course i do but i say i dont and mom walks away, shaking her head. Did I mention my class schedule for this year? NO? Seven classes. I have zero period and a full schedule. And Mr. Wong wanted me to take Physiology.
alright, i left my blog on while i was gone, sorry about that, now the times are all screwy. I went shopping with mom. I replaced my coverse, the black ones, got four pairs of shoelaces, a ribbed tanktop from old navy and a really awesome track jacket, black with white shooting star outlines, by Ugly Shirt from Hot Topic. Oddly enough, the only reason mom took me shopping was to get a pair of pants. I must say that i have really good skills in convincing her. I'm going to go lace up my shoes now. later

CMaZ