Alone, with the lights out, in my room. I'm gone to you. Away from here. Entertainment, you toss me aside as I begin to age in act. Cut from my skin, torn apart by high school democracy. Keep me alive tied to your string. With my tie to make me swing, amusing dance, you laugh at me. Make me bleed, you bring me to my knees. Hold me close so I know warmth from the biting cold you thrust me into. Warm and cold. Gone to you. As if you cared to hear my cry. I needed you now. You leave me alone. Why can't you see through me? I asked you too. I begged. I wanted you to know. But that was too much. Can't handle it so I bear it alone. Do you care? Not at all, you have more important things? I will take that as you don't care and hang up now. I exposed my self, I cared so much. I though maybe you could care back. But again, I am too much for you. I must do it alone again. You take my mind and crumble it in your hand. You care not of my state in mind. Who can I tell? I thought it was you and her. But neither are here now. When I need them they scatter. My broken door is fixed. I stabbed my knee with a screw. Bleeding. It will heal soon. The blood stops. I could kiss you and stab my throat. You might still be on me when you realize that the warmth that hit you was a pump of arterial blood. Will you scream when the last few feeble pulses push out the last of my hearts life? Irony, I hope to die an ironic death. My whole life has been an ironic comedy. All I am good for. Amusement. Nothing else as far as I have seen. You say you can love me but you just suck from my veins until I am dry. Nobody notices anything wrong. What happened to make me like this? How can I be? Genetic sport. I cant keep anything to myself except for that which hurts me. Look what happened when I tried for the first time to share my pain, perhaps ease some of my hurt. It merely ten-folded my pain. Now he is mad at me for putting too much on him. I found comfort in physical contact. I felt good for a few seconds before he pulled away. He stopped me now though. The last good thing for me. Now I have to settle with thinking about it. Pain and thinking always go together. Nothing good has happened to me for long. A bitter end every day of every thing. I am greedy, I cant control myself. All I knew is I wanted to feel good. I knew that he could make me feel so. He refused to bear his part of my pain and threw me aside again. Why can everyone deal so well without me but I cant deal losing anyone. It lights the spark to this. It doesn't happen every time but once in a while. Under the right (wrong) circumstances. I hate being me. I hate knowing myself. I scream in my own face, punch a wall to scare myself away from me. I hate seeing me. I am as ugly outside as I am in. No wonder he wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want me. Nobody does, will or has for long. Only long enough to realize that I am never worth it. I am un-original, unstable, worthless, mean, ugly and stupid. I can't even handle the thought of my own future alone. Having friends until they figure out I am not worth their time then having them move on. Hiding it better the next time, always screwing up until they see this. Anger, hate, suicidal, angst, sadism, stupidity, masochism, immaturity. I have feigned maturity but I can never fake much for long with out practice. I think I did very well at hiding today. David must have almost forgotten. Either that or he didn't care to begin with and wasn't listening the first time around. I wouldn't doubt it now. I am becoming more coherent as this is going on. I can cry in my corner and punch my body all I want. Nobody cares. They don't notice anyone but those they love. Like Ashley. Her welfare has always been the most important thing to everyone. Mine doesn't matter. I am but naught Ashley's friend. You know, the ugly one who follows Ash around, hoping to be as loved and as admired. I hate people who tell me what I already know, that I am an ugly friend of Ashley's. I hate Grant but he is right. I am the ugly friend. Nobody cares about me, I will have no memory's about high school except those about everyone around me. No memory's will be made about me. I will fade into the backs of minds as a name that can't be placed. Makes sense that I don't have yearbook pictures. Nobody wants to recall me anyway. I would never be called upon but for help. I don't matter so anyone can tell me anything for I am so easily replaced and loyal. I want to stay friends for the precious warmth of the high school spotlight that I can gleam off of her. Of course I am loyal. I am like a dog. I am a dog. Ugly, kind, loyal, the whole bit. But, as always, the dog is inferior and easily replaced. Like me. Who cares about me? You can't love a dog like you love a real friend. I am never going to amount to anything. I will die alone and cold and then I will be forgotten and replaced. With out a second thought.

CMaZ