Choke

Alone in my room still. Daylight granted, my lights are still out. I feel so thrown aside and such. Kinda like a pattern with me. I always feel left behind and used. I t always comes out that way. I am such a weirdo. I have chased away my close friend and he seems no to care. I hate this. I don't want to be the intellectual who is never happy in the end. But I am. I am the one who is always alone and forgotten in the end because nobody can stand to be with me for that long. I cant believe how this turned out though. I trusted David with that which was my greatest secret at the time. And he threw it back at me as a reason to forget and leave me. I cant believe I believed all that bull he fed me about always being friends. I told him he could tell me anything and he would. I never turned my back on him and now he is blaming me of blaming him. He just lit up a whole shit load of my insecurities. I am going in to a depression. Who the fuck am I kidding? I am in one. It is official. I have a hole in the back of my head. At least this time I had to courtesy to pluck a inconspicuous place. The back, lower part of my head. Made kinda of a rectangle shape. I dint mean for it to do that but it did. My patterns are usually symmetrical. I know I am being slightly esoteric there but I am sure you can deal with it. For those of you in the know, yeah, I have another spot. I did it yesterday. I'm lucky though, you can't see it from the front or the back. Unless I have my hair all the way up or something. But I don't usually. So all is good. I should be okay in hiding this from most people. I hate being so weak mostly because of one person. I try not to give that much power away but I am an idiot and I gave David control over my feelings with out even really knowing him. I felt like I knew him but I must not. I should have known him well enough to make sure that this would not happen. Like Frankie told me, we have to get to know our significant others better before we become significant others. It sounded a lot better when he told me this. But it is true. I was only REALLY hanging out with David for about two weeks. Frankie knows everything, I swear. I should just shrink him and put him on a keychain and carry it around with me. kinda like a magic 8 ball. Magic Frank ball? Sounds not so right. I will have to think of something else for that. HAHA! I gots it. Magic Baller Ball! Not Frankie's name but close. Lol. Well, today I got a few new novels so I am going to go read those. Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk. I can't wait.