Yeah right

One, two, three, four

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it's over

Break down, shake for me
Don't write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it's over

Maybe we can be friends
Now that we're older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it's over

Yeah right!

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it's over

Oh yeah . . .

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
Oh, I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do

My nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah

I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell

Yeah right!

Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you're leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I'm dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just waking up in my own way
Now that it's over
Now that it's over

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do

Nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it's over . . .

"Congratulations. A fetishist and an obsessive. You'll be very happy together."

~Except we are still friends. And all my other friends are his friends too. And we didn’t really have early days. And this was pretty much the only thing he did to me that I could consider shitty. Maybe one more thing. And I can find so much more about what I think about this. We aren't going to be together-minus-the-title now because he said he felt like he had a girlfriend. More lyrics are going to be put up here. A couple of songs are still floating in my mind but this one was the most solid. I am so left out in the cold on this. I tried to be nice and understanding on the phone but it came out self-pityish. And I tried not to sound hurt at all. Fuck, a stupid thing like this can easily swing me to a not so good part of my mind. I guess that is my fault. He had no feelings for me and I had feelings for him. Not a good combo. But he got whatever he wanted out of it so whatever. I can be hurt and he can be ever so happy and well-adjusted while I writhe in anger and confusion and hurt and hate. Hate for my self and a hate for him that I will probably never vocalize. Not so fair of me to say these things about him but as of this moment I am hurt and crying in my room and he is at home looking for a job and probably glad that he ended it. Mom came home after I got off the phone with him and she asked me what’s wrong. I said nothing. She asked if it was a guy or girl who got me upset. I said a guy. She asked if it was David. I said yeah. She said really? I said he ended it and the phone she was looking for was in my laundry hamper because I threw it at that wall. She asked if I was okay. I said yes. She asked if I wanted anything. I said something hard to throw at David. She asked me if he deserved something to be thrown at him. I said no, not really. I can't even say what I want to my mother. It was nice of her to ask but I just want to sit in my room and cry and sulk and play my hate music too loud. And I want to wonder why I did the things I did with him. He obviously didn’t really care about me, why did I put myself out like that? No, I didn’t have sex. I have strong feelings against doing that for quite awhile. But, even so, after all of it he didn’t stop me and say "I don’t think you should do this, we shouldn’t take this that far" or something to let me know he thought of what we in as something less than what I thought of it. It hurts to know now what he saw in me. Which was nothing.

I take your word like it was gospel
I'm so eager to please
Yeah I like it when
You talk to me

It feels so good inside your shadow
(It's the place I need to be)
Yeah I know I need to climb you
Like a tree

There is this place inside
Where all the good things die
Sometimes I feel like a whore
(Sometimes I feel like a whore)

I hate the way I am around you
(I'm so nervous and weird)
Sometimes I feel like I'm
Breathing underwater

You treat me like I am on fire
Like I'm something to eat
You make me hate what I see
When I see me

Yeah I dream of the day
When I learn how to make you pay
Someday I'll teach you to beg
Someday, someday
Yes I live for the day
When I can hear you say
You make me feel like a whore

Yes I dream of the time
When I can make you mine
(Maybe then I'll feel half alive, more
alive, so alive)
There is this place inside
Where all the good things die

You make me feel like a whore

~And he did. Now, after all of this, I feel like I was something for fun. Something to play with and then discard. Nothing important in his eyes. Yeah, I guess maybe I did screw up the best thing I had going for me already. Maybe nobody else will ever want me forever. Not care what anyone else feels. Share all of his thoughts with me and hold conversations with me about anything. Kiss me as long as he can. Never pulls back. I guess I ruined the only thing I was sure I had. I ended it because I have a fear of the future. Great, smooth move. I guess I never realized how good I had it before. I was jealous of the superficial highs school relationships’ Ashley had. And the so-called high school love that Heather has. Not that I should be surprised. Heather and Ashley are both so much better than me. Ashley was David's first choice. I was sorta afterwards. Because he couldn’t have Ashley, he might as well get something from her friend. A little too harsh that was. I think I may have used him in a similar context though. Ashley gets everything. All the guys want her and those who don’t still love her. Nobody can leave Ashley and everybody always wants to hear what she has to say, to hug her and be around her. She is pretty and happy and oh, so perfect in every way that I can't be. And David wanted her, of course. I thought maybe . . . maybe. But of course not. I got dumped and we weren't even together. Pathetic in the most extreme way I can think of. And still I am thrown away. And I won’t bring it up to him. I said sorry for confusing him. This is one of the few occasions I can't be completely straightforward. Rejection. I play it off so many ways. Tomorrow . . . nobody will notice. I will again be the occasional comedian and emotional punching bag. Perhaps, at this point, that is all I am good for. I will have to go through my weekend, happy for my family and then go to school and be happy for everybody else. Nobody wants to hear my woes. There are so much better things to do than to bother with me. Unless you can get something out of it. Self-gain, the reason people hang out with me. Oh well . . . sucks to be me. I can be open about anything but my own hurt because, as I have found out, nobody really cares about me being in pain. Unless they can gain from it or if it is interesting drama. Sure, some of you will read this and think "not me, I really do care and I would never hurt ANYBODY" but you are lying to yourself. David will be thinking he has to fix it or maybe he won't think anything of it at all. He probably doesn’t really care at this point in the game. Why bother? I can sort this out myself. Of course I can. I can lie to myself like everybody else lies to me and tell myself that people care about me and life will smoothy-smooth out and I should just shut up so everyone else can get along with everything else in their lives.

CMaZ