Wow, it has been a while since my last post. Longer than I try to go with out blogging. Yeah, I guess I can talk about it now since David already told Ashley, David and I sorta kissed the other day. Sorta? Okay, we made out before he had to go to his night class. I'm a whore. A damn dirty whore. Why do I not respect myself enough to keep myself from these situations? He is not my boyfriend, significant other, he isn't even my friend with benefits anymore. But I still want to kiss him. And of course, the way he tells it to Ashley, is that I grabbed him and I kissed him. Nice, whatever, I don't care. I am so not even won't it. He keeps saying that it isn't me and he doesn't want to mess up our friendship. Understandable but what does he think this is doing to me inside? That I am just okay with all of this? That I can kiss a guy like that without feeling for him? And he says he still likes me. What in hell is going on here? I am so confused that I don't know what I want to think. I want him to tell me what will happen but he wont. The one thing I need right now is for someone to tell me what to do. I don't often ask for something like that but I am now. But I cant get that. He is refusing to tell me what is going to happen. I asked Ashley what to do and she said to talk to him. Like I don't talk to him. I want to know what I should say, what I should do and how to act. I am so weak-minded when it comes to boys. I just give up everything. And David doesn't even want to have a relationship with me yet I want him to tell me what to do. I am so crazy pathetic. I need a thought transplant. Someone put a well adjusted, self assured, confident and self respecting mind in my head. I need to get over this. I know I shouldn't be doing what I am doing but I still am. Aww shit, and now my auto dj is playing Marla, by the Dust Brothers from the Fight Club soundtrack. This song is obviously sexual. No real words, I don't think, but when you have seen the movie, when you hear the song, you think of the scene, which was this guy totally screwing Marla. Granted, the scene was a dream shot but it is still pretty impressionistic. Okay, I switched the songs. Now I got Conga Fury by Juno Reactor playing. That one is from the Animatrix soundtrack. I like soundtracks. Especially those two. They are probably my favorites. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. This whole thing is completely degrading to me and I cant blame anyone else because I brought it on to my own self. I am completely responsible for letting this all happen and opening my self up for him to reject me... AGAIN! You would think that I would learn but, no, I don't. You would think that I want to hurt myself. You would think. But I don't believe that that is my goal. As far as I know, I want a good, healthy relationship with someone who won't screw me over. As I have expressed before, I think I may have given up my only chance at true love and happiness already. Once again, all my fault. I bring all of this on myself. My masochistic side is in full bloom these days. The link is to a dictionary site with a pronunciation link for all of you who don't know what masochist means. It is a very good word for me. Along with its' antonym, sadistic. I am both. I get pleasure from hurting and being hurt. Subconsciously and consciously. I am a complete and total sadomasochist. Not in the unhealthy sense but enough that I hurt myself fairly often. Not always physical hurt and such. Which reminds me, the other day I was in Amanda's tuck and we were talking and I mentioned some of the stuff from my past that has screwed me up. Turns out that I hadn't told her about any of this crap and she thought that my problems (hair-pulling, slashing and such) were all just teen angst things. Stupid, petty cries for help. I'm kinda insulted that she would think that I could be such a wannabe drama freak but I am glad that she now knows that I'm not just some cry-for-help head-case kid. That actually has nothing to do with what I am talking about but I thought I should mention it because something I typed reminded me of that. I feel so confused about what I want. Mostly, I want someone else to tell me what to do right now. And, out of that, I want David to tell me what we should do. I hate having to decide for myself in this situation. But I have to unless I can convince David to decide for me. I want him to. I cannot decide shit when I am as confused as I am now. Anyway, bedtime, good night.

CMaZ
bomb dizzle