From my .wpd; Random thoughts

Day 1
I can’t think of anything to say. Nothing seems important enough to immortalize by saying it outright or by putting on paper for mass distribution. Nothing I know of is that significant. SO I don’t say much. Because there, is nothing to say. I don’t want to say something unless when I can be silent and leave room for those things more worthy of the attention of others.

Days later
I can’t stand being alone. I am though. All the time I am alone. I try to stop it. I try and leave the box I am in. But nobody wants to help me. I struggle alone. YOU DON’T CARE! You could give not one fuck less. All you wanted me for was to suck your dick. And then I was gone to you. I hate you. I wish I had bitten you. Made you bleed. Broke your heart. Pulverized the fucker. I hate you. Whatever and ever amen.

Next day after that
Why am I not worthy? I am never worth it to anyone. I have to do everything. I hate it. I hate you.
Everyone wants more of me. I can’t stand how nobody wants me to do just what feels right for me.

Today
Nobody believes me. I tell the truth and people spit in my face. They wonder why I get defensive. Because they attacked me. My mind hurts and so does my nose. Ashley smacked me with her cuarderno de trabajo for thinking about David and saying his name aloud. That kinda hurt. Yeah it did. Almost like she doesn’t want to have to deal with my drama and my problems. Like she has to keep my life boring and uninvolved so I can help her with whatever she wants and devote my life to whatever she wants me to do. Aw, man, I can always find something to whine about. I guess im just special in that way. I don’t want to be special. I want to be normal again. I want to follow mindlessly and trace myself back to where I went off on my own and beat myself back to the trial so I would never turn out like I did now. I could play soccer, join clubs, have long term healthy relationships, love my mother, read more Hemingway, read less King. Draw, paint, run, jump, breathe, live. I am all about static living and death and slashing. Those would be my verbs. Get yours. I need no more than nothing. Staring back on my life, I was a screw up from the first chance io got. All I wanted to do was to be alone. I wish someone had slapped me or beaten me. I had too little power and immediately jumped to just enough to kill myself which has always been more than I could handle. I can’t keep myself alive. I can’t breathe on my own. Where would I be without my supports? Ashley, heather and god knows who else will show up in my life to keep me alive. I have not the power to be myself. Of my own choice I should be dead right now. I should not be here thinking about myself alone in my room in the middle of the day. I should be in a place with no light, under ground with nothing to disturb my slumber but the slow decomposition of my chemical pumped body. I wonder if they will find a casket big enough for me when I die. Maybe not. I will have to be wrapped in Glad bags. Don’t get mad, get glad. Oh yeah, ill be glad there. I always have been best in a small space alone with no power to do anything. It is where I am most at peace. Quiet. As soon a si have the power to, though I will ruin my own equilibrium and do something stupid and something I know will hurt me.
See also: Wrists
See also: David
Cross section with: Hair
I have yet to do something for my own good of my own power. As soon as I can write my stories in relative peace I can’t. I get the worst writer’s block this side of anything.i just sit and do my blog. My blog doesn’t do anything. I need to write more. I need to get out of my own body again instead of hiding on the net. Hiding myself in the net under the Pseudemys of blogs and emails and AIM. I need to separate and write out of me again. I can’t anymore though. I don’t think so. Even porno was harder to write. It all seemed so repetitive and pointless. I will never find true love or lust. I will forever be a virgin. It was amazing I got as far as I did with David. But he was desperate for the physicality and I was desperate for someone to care about me. Not a nice mix for me, but it all Turned out great for him. Hell, I wrote two angry poems about sucking his dick, one before it happened and one after. I never got to write a happy poem. Once again, my angry poetry file gets bigger. I divide my poetry on a crude basis of a mood. Stupid and useless division seeing as how many of them cross over in moods from beginning to end. But I am stupid so my organization methods are bound to reflect that. All I have ever had to saw in my defense has been that I am a writer, but now I can’t write. That is my defining trait. It is what I do. Without it I am nothing and have no purpose. I don’t even write that well. I just do. I write but I write crap. I spewed it out at an amazing rate for so long but now I can’t I can’t I can’t and I am lost. I am nothing. I need to do something but nothing. I have no purpose. I have no reason I am nothing nothing nothing. I keep to myself that I don’t write anything besides my blog posts and a few crappy poems now. I keep it hidden. For if everyone knew what a fake I am now they would surely lynch me or something. Fuck, I would lynch me. Damn straight. I am a blemish on the earth, Something to be squeezed and removed then treated to remove a scar, any trace of me being here. I should be gone. I should leave. I should not be me. But I am. I don’t want to be, but I am. I need to die soon, and I wish I could die now but I can’t I need to die but I won’t. I have not the guts. I have tried, don’t get me wrong. Last time I thought I had done it. But nope. I was “saved” and that was it. Nobody cared. No therapy, just a I-hope-your-wrists-heal and that was it. Nobody cared if I tried again, least of all mom. She doesn’t want to help me. She wants to try and push me to the edge by constantly reminding me that I am physically not good enough for anyone. She doesn’t want to help me. She wants me to off myself so she can grieve and feel sorry for herself. Hell, I would do it again. I will as soon as I can. As soon as my mind is right. AS soon as I can get the one thing in my heart fired up again to give me the resolve to do it again. I want to do it again. And make the pain gone. The pain is always there. It doesn’t go away, ever. I can’t be rid of something like that. The pain that stays with me for ever. I don’t know who to be rid of it but to die. This pain is of my body so kill the body kill the pain. I hate seeing you every time I see myself. I see you inside of my like a malignant tumor a rotting corpse. I love hurting me cause I know you hurt too, my pain is more yours. You make all pain you want me alive to keep you around. Im sick of me. I am so sick of me. I hate me. I hate me so much I want me dead. I want to dance on my own grave, shit on my tombstone, laugh at my funeral. I want me dead. I want to be free. I hate, I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate. I hate all of it. I hate that you all love me and tell me im good and wonderful and pretty. You would never switch places with me. You would never want to be me. You want me there for you. That is why you lie to me so much, You want something from me. That is why it all happens that way. You want. I don’t deserve so I give. You all deserve more than me. I am the scum of the planet. I am the worst thing there is. I commend you all for helping me realize this. Especially you, David. You definatly showed me that I am worth crap and don’t deserve anything more than to be an object for fun. Even then, I am not to be kept for too long or I might start to think I am worth something. Cant let that happen. I am nothing. I want to be nothing. I don’t want to be here. I want out. To be gone. To be dead. I want to die. And I want to die soon. Piss me off. Please. Piss me off enough to kill myself. Do it soon. I hate you so much I cant stand looking at you go away now. Go find some other worthy soul.
Whatever and ever amen

Ren. Fair Musings.

Hey there all. I was gone for a little while there. I went to Ashley's house to spend the night last night and I woke up really early today and went to the Renaissance fair in Hollister. Man, that was hella fun. A lot of really hot guys in funky clothes. As soon as Morgan posts these pictures you can all see this guy wearing spandex pants, no underoos and he had a half-stock boner. And we got a picture. Also I got a henna tattoo ("dream" in Chinese on my arm) and we hit on this hot snowboarder guy and I got to flog him(hehe). We saw that guy throughout the day and, while we were getting our henna done, he lifted his (tunic? shirt?) and showed us his tattoos on his smooth tanned back. Lol, as I said, this guy, Dillon, was HOT! Oh, I was wearing my pirate tee and this guy totally asked me if he could "plunder" me. It was hilarious. One guy said "all I have to say to you is 'arr'". Another guy licked lemon and sugar off of Morgana. During a performance dinner, one of the performers used his mouth to get money from Ashley... Money that was in her bra. Very fun. I was surprised at how much fun I did have at an event like that. Just before we left all three of us girls (and maybe Brian[?]) were being hit on by this guy, Paul. He was hella funny and we were hella making jokes about sex and oral and such. It was hilarious. Nice guy, he was. I was so glad I didn't have my boobs hanging out. I would have felt so odd. Some woman playing a puritan yelled at me as I was walking into the fair because I had my ankles showing. The town wench, I think that was who she was, yelled at Ash saying something about Ashley being half un-clad and the men might think something of it. Good times, good times. I bought my mom this pressed paper parasol that I know she will love. It is the sort of thing she always wants but wont buy because it is totally useless. Damn, the thing cost me almost all of my babysitting money and my check from the mail. But if mom likes it, then it is worth it. Even mom, who hates me, deserves her day to do nothing and get frivolous gifts. I usually hat e practical gifts. So I hope Mother likes it. She had better. Even if she doesn't, man oh man, the hot (shameless) guys were so worth it. I felt beautiful with these guys drooling everywhere, even though I was wearing a tshirt next to my busty friend Ashley and the ever so beautiful Morgana. But then, it is the Ren. Fair. So much fun. I have to go again. And I have to get that flogger. The flogger so got me to meet the coolest hot guys. Like Dillon and his friend Adam. Yeah, even though they chose the hot elfin (elephant, lol) girls over us. I so want to dress up next time. Maybe as an elf, maybe a peasant. Or maybe I will just wear shorts and a tshirt again. I just want to go again. That was just way too much fun to not do again.

From my .wpd; Sketches of Hate and Gore

some of my old poetry. Not written about my now but old emotions always recycle. Nothing is new, nothing is static.



THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FALL
7:11 PM 10/9/02
When im happy i can fly
but now i think i fell
from my place up high
to what i now call hell.
You say you feel my pain,
having never seen my scars
from a battle won without gain
to keep my soul behind bars.
holding my mind in you hand,
you have such a power over me
you can keep me so i cant stand
Im on my knees now, cant you see?
only you can save me from me.
11:29 PM 10/31/02

This one was about morgan. It kinda lost a lot of meaning for me but I feel compeled to post it.

7:30 PM 9/18/02 FOREVERS
I see a face, i think it's yours
in a reflection from my hearts still water
it was you, i think, because youve seen the horrors
of our past, the wars, the deaths and toruture of martyrs
but still there is love in the face from above and below
it looks through my soul and knows me deep
Past my shell of lies and cocktail hellos
And to who i am on the nights i cant sleep
WHen i say what i mean and mean what i say
And you are sincere and say what i need to hear
When we talk through the night and most the day
And the whole time you don't laugh at me or sneer
at my silly ideas about me running away
with you, the only one that's here to stay
11:36 PM 9/25/02

Hmm, more David-is-an-asshole, why-does-this-shit-happen-to-me lyrics. Look at me, look at me, i am deppressed, watch me flaunt it with my pathetic rambelings about the guy who screwed me over in that non-sexual way. The second song is more fitting for me.

The Offspring - "Self-Esteem"



I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem
We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so
When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right?
Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem


Frank Sinatra (Russ Columbo) - "Just Friends"

Just friends
Just friends
Lovers no more
Just friends
But not like before
To think of what we've been
And not to kiss again
Seems like pretending
It isn't the ending
Two friends
Drifting apart
Two friends
But one broken heart
We loved we laughed we cried
Then suddenly love died
The story ends
And we're
Just friends
We loved we laughed and we cried
Then suddenly love died
The story ends
And we're
Just friends

Upset. I can't go anywhere to be alone anymore. Thank you so much. Now I have to deal with society again. Why does everyone feel they must ruin the only quiet I have? I can't go home to get away from it and I can't go to the library anymore because Ashley thinks grant is funny. Even though I have told her I don't want him anywhere around me, she still laughs at his idiotic jokes and lets him torture me. I think she likes the attention. Good for her. I want to be alone. Fuck you all. Leave me be. I don't need it, I don't need you.

fuck off.... I don't need it from you anymore. I don't need you complaining and whining that nobody cares. I ask you and you don't say anything. FINE! FUCK OFF!

QUIZ TIME!!
Everyone has this in their Xanga so I wanted to bring it to the blog side. I think I'm the first... If not, lets pretend.

1. Name: Krista Martinez

2. What time is it?: 9:57 PM Pacific

3. Rate your mood on a scale of 1/10 and tell why: 3, suicidal depressed.

4. What are you listening to right now?: Rascuache by At the Drive In

5. What are you wearing?: My green Husband beater, gray-green Spiewak pants and my jacket. You know which one.

6. What is the most obscure band/singer that you listen to?: Not sure. I don't know what is obscure or not. Mass media sucks. I.e. MTV and the radio. Both blow, for the most part.

7. What is a song that you love but don't own the CD?: Smells Like Teen Spirit.

8. Have you ever heard sense field?: no

9. If so, do you like them?: hum, I would say yes., I'm open to anything. HA! I'm the rebel here.

10. What is the most recent band you've started to listen to?: Less than Jake

11. What is the best album of all time?: Ever? EVER?! Bloody impossible to name one.

12. QUICK! Name a vegetable (don't copy the one that's already written, please): Squash. Is that a veggie?

13. Have you ever been inside a Johnny Rockets Cafe?: yeah

14. Have you ever been inside a Hot Topic?: My god, who hasn't? It is sad. I see teeny girls come in with their moms. Blond perky teeny boppers. *scream* Lol.

15. Name something that makes you special: I have never masturbated. (NEVER Morgana.)

16. Who or what is your most recent obsession?: Chuck Palahniuk. It all started with Fight Club but I am going crazy with the rest of his novels.

17. Do you play CS?: not really.

18. If you could meet one famous musician, who would it be?: Kurt Cobain. I wish he was still alive. *sexalicious*

19. Actor/actress?: Carrie Ann Moss and Hugo Weaving

20. What is hanging on your wall?: Matrix and Fight Club posters and cork board with pictures and random crap.

21. What is on your computer desktop?: It changes every day. At this very moment it is Mr. Dries.

22. What is the largest amount of mosquito bites you've had at any given time?: 26

23. What is the most sushi you've eaten in one sitting?: never had sushi

24. Do you have an online journal?: damn skippy

25. What is your favorite SpongeBob episode?: I don't really watch that show.

27. Have you ever been kissed inside a play structure?: like inside of a theater or as an actor in a play? Why am I asking, you cant answer. Damn.

28. Have you ever written fan mail?: oh yeah... Long ass time ago.

29. If so, to whom? (or is it who? I forget.): Zach Hanson (SHH!)

30. What is your opinion on Hilary Duff?: argh... Stupid no talent whore.

31. Michael Jackson?: Thiller=sexy

32. Yoko Ono?: Hella cool. Old asian and still partying. I don't know about blaming her for the Beatles break-up though. Dubious at best.

33. Do you like rap? (oh.. That should have been in music. heh): Nah. Not voluntarily at least. I am forced to enjoy by some.

34. If there was no one on this earth except you and one person of the opposite sex, who would you choose to be there with you? (note: this implies repopulating the earth with this person): Mark Mc Grath or a good guy friend who I could learn to love that way.

35. Say something nice about the person you STOLE this from: I am not saying who I took this from but I don't like her. Not very much at all.

36. Do you watch FRAISER?: No

37. Do you know what the pen-fifteen club is?: yeah

38. If so, are you a member?: hahaha.... NO!

39. What is the plural of moose?: Moosi

40. Who is the hottest LOTR character?: they all kinda suck. Who was the guy played by Orlando Bloom? He was okay

41. Do you even know what LOTR stands for?: no, I am totally oblivious

Favorite/Best.

42. Radio Station: 105 if I had to choose one. I don't really like radio

43. Star Wars movie: don't watch 'em

44. Joke: the twinkie joke

45. Type of food: Italian, yeah baby.

46. Pajamas: twinkie pants and a husband beater

47. Website: this one. Bomb dizzle.

48. Song by the Beatles: i am crazy and dont really listen to the beatles that often

49. Vegetable: uhm... carrots?

50. Fruit: pears

51. U2 song: dont really listen to U2 either.

52. Mary-Kate and Ashley movie: havent seen them. I bet they suck.

53. Country in Europe: Sweden. Swedish everything is cool.

54. Togo's sandwich: uhm.... cheese? Cheese is always good.

Worst.

55. Movie: Hahaha, Christina's House. SO bad it was almost good.

56. Way to die: to lose blood slowly whilst salt is rubbed in your tiny wounds. Can last days or weeks. Ouch.

57. Book: The babysitters Club. I hate those with a passion

58. Smell: hamster crap.

59. Mispronunciation of your name: mAR-tin-es

60. Vacation you've ever had: none... my vacations have all been pretty good.

Which is better...

61. Nickelodeon or Disney: Nickelodeon

62. Everwood or Smallville: Smallville. Clark is hotter.

63. VH1 or MTV: VH1. I love the --'s

64. Home Movies or Sealab 2021: What?

65. Pretzels and 7UP or Donuts and apple juice: 7-up and doughnuts

67. Pocky or Yan Yan (did i spell those right?): no clue...

68. Love or Wealth: Love

69. Fame or Wealth: Wealth.

70. Love or Fame: Love

71. Black or White: black

72. Hot Topic or Pac Sun: Hot topic tees and PacSun boy pants.

73. California or New York: California

74. Being able to read minds or Being able to be invisible: Read minds, i could hide in a closet and read everything about everything

75. Harry Potter or LOTR: Harry Potter

76. Winnie the Pooh or Tigger: Eeyore

77. The soft side or the hard side of Velcro: Hard side because it seems to have more personality.

78. Brady Bunch or Brady Bunch parodies: Brady Bunch paradies. Same difference anyway.

First thing that comes to mind.

79. Black: Shirt

80. Food: bread

81. Dreams: sex. (sorry!)

82. Appendage: vanessa (AMPUTATE PLEASE!)

83. Rape whistle: construction

84. Onion: ring

85. Light: heat

86. Suck: no... i am not going to say, but you important people know what i am thinking.

Love and Relationships (sorry just had to include this. muhahahaha).

87. What is your opinion on the opposite sex: they are kinda screwing me over in the figurative way right now. God damn him.

88. Single or Taken: whatever. Single. I have been. Hell, i have kissed more often single than taken.

89. Do you like that status?: i guess.

90. What is your favorite thing to do with the person that you like:?: i don tknow if i like anyone right now. The guy i did/do like kinda hates me right now. Even though we were kissing on friday. hmmm. FUCKING BOYS! i hate my life.

91. What is the best way to show affection?: Cuddling. fuck it all. stupid questions.

92. Do you find sucking on fingers to be erotic (sp?), disgusting, or okay? (heh): Very erotic. Finger sucking has yet to get a guy up as far as my knowledge goes.

93. Say something nice about the person that you like: He kisses really nice. But appearently i am using him for that. ARGH! But he wasnt using ME. shit.

Last...

94. Person you talked to: Mother

95. Thing you said out loud: I want it! I will get it soon enough!

96. Person you IMed: Ashley

97. Person you talked to on the phone: I have been avoiding the phone. I think it was Heather.

98. Thing you did with people: Sat outside the school. then walked.

99. Time you checked the time: When you asked me up there what time it was.

100. Person/thing you kissed: David.

AND FINALLY

101. Rate this survey on a scale of 1-10 and tell why: 2. It made me all pissed off about David again.

102. What are you going to do tomorrow: Go to school.

103. What did you do today?: Go to school

104. Are you going to post this survey in your online journal? (if you have one): No, this will never be posted on my Blog. EVER!

105. Describe the color scheme of your online journal (if you have one): grays and greens.

106. Do the Powerpuff Girls suck?: buttercup rules

107. Do you like Great America?: It is okay. It rocks when it is raining.

108. Make up your own question and type it here: Why do guys find it nessacary to take you heart and throw it on the ground to dance on? Sorta like a mexican hat dance.

109. Do you like to type?: Not really, i suck at it.

110. Okay, this survey is finished. Type your sentiments here: i hate you right now David. I try so hard only for you to spit in my face. I LOVE THE REST OF YOU!


I always talk about David, dont i?

Choke

Alone in my room still. Daylight granted, my lights are still out. I feel so thrown aside and such. Kinda like a pattern with me. I always feel left behind and used. I t always comes out that way. I am such a weirdo. I have chased away my close friend and he seems no to care. I hate this. I don't want to be the intellectual who is never happy in the end. But I am. I am the one who is always alone and forgotten in the end because nobody can stand to be with me for that long. I cant believe how this turned out though. I trusted David with that which was my greatest secret at the time. And he threw it back at me as a reason to forget and leave me. I cant believe I believed all that bull he fed me about always being friends. I told him he could tell me anything and he would. I never turned my back on him and now he is blaming me of blaming him. He just lit up a whole shit load of my insecurities. I am going in to a depression. Who the fuck am I kidding? I am in one. It is official. I have a hole in the back of my head. At least this time I had to courtesy to pluck a inconspicuous place. The back, lower part of my head. Made kinda of a rectangle shape. I dint mean for it to do that but it did. My patterns are usually symmetrical. I know I am being slightly esoteric there but I am sure you can deal with it. For those of you in the know, yeah, I have another spot. I did it yesterday. I'm lucky though, you can't see it from the front or the back. Unless I have my hair all the way up or something. But I don't usually. So all is good. I should be okay in hiding this from most people. I hate being so weak mostly because of one person. I try not to give that much power away but I am an idiot and I gave David control over my feelings with out even really knowing him. I felt like I knew him but I must not. I should have known him well enough to make sure that this would not happen. Like Frankie told me, we have to get to know our significant others better before we become significant others. It sounded a lot better when he told me this. But it is true. I was only REALLY hanging out with David for about two weeks. Frankie knows everything, I swear. I should just shrink him and put him on a keychain and carry it around with me. kinda like a magic 8 ball. Magic Frank ball? Sounds not so right. I will have to think of something else for that. HAHA! I gots it. Magic Baller Ball! Not Frankie's name but close. Lol. Well, today I got a few new novels so I am going to go read those. Choke, by Chuck Palahniuk. I can't wait.

Alone, with the lights out, in my room. I'm gone to you. Away from here. Entertainment, you toss me aside as I begin to age in act. Cut from my skin, torn apart by high school democracy. Keep me alive tied to your string. With my tie to make me swing, amusing dance, you laugh at me. Make me bleed, you bring me to my knees. Hold me close so I know warmth from the biting cold you thrust me into. Warm and cold. Gone to you. As if you cared to hear my cry. I needed you now. You leave me alone. Why can't you see through me? I asked you too. I begged. I wanted you to know. But that was too much. Can't handle it so I bear it alone. Do you care? Not at all, you have more important things? I will take that as you don't care and hang up now. I exposed my self, I cared so much. I though maybe you could care back. But again, I am too much for you. I must do it alone again. You take my mind and crumble it in your hand. You care not of my state in mind. Who can I tell? I thought it was you and her. But neither are here now. When I need them they scatter. My broken door is fixed. I stabbed my knee with a screw. Bleeding. It will heal soon. The blood stops. I could kiss you and stab my throat. You might still be on me when you realize that the warmth that hit you was a pump of arterial blood. Will you scream when the last few feeble pulses push out the last of my hearts life? Irony, I hope to die an ironic death. My whole life has been an ironic comedy. All I am good for. Amusement. Nothing else as far as I have seen. You say you can love me but you just suck from my veins until I am dry. Nobody notices anything wrong. What happened to make me like this? How can I be? Genetic sport. I cant keep anything to myself except for that which hurts me. Look what happened when I tried for the first time to share my pain, perhaps ease some of my hurt. It merely ten-folded my pain. Now he is mad at me for putting too much on him. I found comfort in physical contact. I felt good for a few seconds before he pulled away. He stopped me now though. The last good thing for me. Now I have to settle with thinking about it. Pain and thinking always go together. Nothing good has happened to me for long. A bitter end every day of every thing. I am greedy, I cant control myself. All I knew is I wanted to feel good. I knew that he could make me feel so. He refused to bear his part of my pain and threw me aside again. Why can everyone deal so well without me but I cant deal losing anyone. It lights the spark to this. It doesn't happen every time but once in a while. Under the right (wrong) circumstances. I hate being me. I hate knowing myself. I scream in my own face, punch a wall to scare myself away from me. I hate seeing me. I am as ugly outside as I am in. No wonder he wouldn't want me. I wouldn't want me. Nobody does, will or has for long. Only long enough to realize that I am never worth it. I am un-original, unstable, worthless, mean, ugly and stupid. I can't even handle the thought of my own future alone. Having friends until they figure out I am not worth their time then having them move on. Hiding it better the next time, always screwing up until they see this. Anger, hate, suicidal, angst, sadism, stupidity, masochism, immaturity. I have feigned maturity but I can never fake much for long with out practice. I think I did very well at hiding today. David must have almost forgotten. Either that or he didn't care to begin with and wasn't listening the first time around. I wouldn't doubt it now. I am becoming more coherent as this is going on. I can cry in my corner and punch my body all I want. Nobody cares. They don't notice anyone but those they love. Like Ashley. Her welfare has always been the most important thing to everyone. Mine doesn't matter. I am but naught Ashley's friend. You know, the ugly one who follows Ash around, hoping to be as loved and as admired. I hate people who tell me what I already know, that I am an ugly friend of Ashley's. I hate Grant but he is right. I am the ugly friend. Nobody cares about me, I will have no memory's about high school except those about everyone around me. No memory's will be made about me. I will fade into the backs of minds as a name that can't be placed. Makes sense that I don't have yearbook pictures. Nobody wants to recall me anyway. I would never be called upon but for help. I don't matter so anyone can tell me anything for I am so easily replaced and loyal. I want to stay friends for the precious warmth of the high school spotlight that I can gleam off of her. Of course I am loyal. I am like a dog. I am a dog. Ugly, kind, loyal, the whole bit. But, as always, the dog is inferior and easily replaced. Like me. Who cares about me? You can't love a dog like you love a real friend. I am never going to amount to anything. I will die alone and cold and then I will be forgotten and replaced. With out a second thought.

CMaZ

More Everclear lyrics. Called misery whip. It fits with my masochisim. And that feeling of animosity i get wherever I go these days.

"Walking wounded with a belly full of pain
And a bad bad attitude

We are shaking shadows for that
Perfect dark room
Where we can do just what we want to do

There is a place
Where we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like
The way we live
When we are all alone
In this house that we call home
You will become my
Misery whip

(yes, I said like a misery whip)

Walking hungry with a pocket full of promise
And a big black song In my head

yes, I know the answers to my questions
They are purple black and blue
And they are waiting for me in my bed

There is a place
Where we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like
They way we live
When we are all alone
In this house that we call home
You will become my misery whip
(I will say it again, like a misery whip)

Stop!

I get no pleasure
When I'm going through
The motions
Of my mediocre day to day
I'm just an actor
Just like Robert fucking Redford
When I say those stupid words
That they expect me to say

Yes we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like the dirty
Things we do

Yeah

When we are all alone
In this house that we call home...
I will fall down like a bitch for you

I need you to hit me and
Make me shake
I need you to hurt me and
Make me beg for more
I need you to bend me and
Make me break
I need you to make me feel like
I am your whore

I feel complete when I feel sick inside

I feel complete when I feel sick inside

I feel complete when I feel sick inside

I feel complete when I feel sick inside

I feel complete when I feel sick inside

I feel complete when I feel sick inside

I need to feel like
I am real inside

I need to feel like
I am really alive

I need you to make me feel

I need you to hit me and
Make me shake
I need you to hurt me and
Make me beg for more
I need you to bend me and
Make me break
I need you to make me feel
Like we can leave behind
All those simple minds
They would not like
The way we live
When we are all alone
In this house that we call home
You will become my
Misery whip

You will become my
Misery whip

You will become my friend



Another everclear. The title is very accurate to me. Its called All Fucked Up

I am all fucked up
And I am ready to break
I don't wanna be the guy
Who is always on the outside
I wanna find my own
Good place

All fucked up
And I don't know how
How I ever got to where I feel
Like I am dying on the inside
I want to be happy
But I don't know how

I am all fucked up
And it's always the same
I always get so close,
Then I let it get away
I got no one but
Myself to blame

I'm all fucked up
And I don't know why
If the rest of my life
Is going to be like this
Think I would rather die
I am all fucked up

Yes, I am all fucked up
You're happy
When you are all fucked up
Yes, I am all fucked up

I am all fucked up
Yes, I am ready to break
I don't wanna be the guy
Who is always on the outside
I wanna find my own
Good place

All fucked up
And I don't know how
How I ever got to where I feel
Like I'm dying on the inside
I want to be happy now

I am all fucked up
And it is always the same
I always get so close
Then I let it get away
I got no one but
Myself to blame

I am all fucked up
And I don't know why
If the rest of my life
Is going to be like this
Than I think I would rather die
I am all fucked up

My life sucks. I am not good enough for anybody to want more than in passing. My god, I hope I leaves stains when I die. Stop now. You know you don't really care.

My life sucks. I am not good enough for anybody to want more than in passing. My god, I hope I leaves stains when I die. Stop now. You know you don't really care.

Wow, it has been a while since my last post. Longer than I try to go with out blogging. Yeah, I guess I can talk about it now since David already told Ashley, David and I sorta kissed the other day. Sorta? Okay, we made out before he had to go to his night class. I'm a whore. A damn dirty whore. Why do I not respect myself enough to keep myself from these situations? He is not my boyfriend, significant other, he isn't even my friend with benefits anymore. But I still want to kiss him. And of course, the way he tells it to Ashley, is that I grabbed him and I kissed him. Nice, whatever, I don't care. I am so not even won't it. He keeps saying that it isn't me and he doesn't want to mess up our friendship. Understandable but what does he think this is doing to me inside? That I am just okay with all of this? That I can kiss a guy like that without feeling for him? And he says he still likes me. What in hell is going on here? I am so confused that I don't know what I want to think. I want him to tell me what will happen but he wont. The one thing I need right now is for someone to tell me what to do. I don't often ask for something like that but I am now. But I cant get that. He is refusing to tell me what is going to happen. I asked Ashley what to do and she said to talk to him. Like I don't talk to him. I want to know what I should say, what I should do and how to act. I am so weak-minded when it comes to boys. I just give up everything. And David doesn't even want to have a relationship with me yet I want him to tell me what to do. I am so crazy pathetic. I need a thought transplant. Someone put a well adjusted, self assured, confident and self respecting mind in my head. I need to get over this. I know I shouldn't be doing what I am doing but I still am. Aww shit, and now my auto dj is playing Marla, by the Dust Brothers from the Fight Club soundtrack. This song is obviously sexual. No real words, I don't think, but when you have seen the movie, when you hear the song, you think of the scene, which was this guy totally screwing Marla. Granted, the scene was a dream shot but it is still pretty impressionistic. Okay, I switched the songs. Now I got Conga Fury by Juno Reactor playing. That one is from the Animatrix soundtrack. I like soundtracks. Especially those two. They are probably my favorites. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. This whole thing is completely degrading to me and I cant blame anyone else because I brought it on to my own self. I am completely responsible for letting this all happen and opening my self up for him to reject me... AGAIN! You would think that I would learn but, no, I don't. You would think that I want to hurt myself. You would think. But I don't believe that that is my goal. As far as I know, I want a good, healthy relationship with someone who won't screw me over. As I have expressed before, I think I may have given up my only chance at true love and happiness already. Once again, all my fault. I bring all of this on myself. My masochistic side is in full bloom these days. The link is to a dictionary site with a pronunciation link for all of you who don't know what masochist means. It is a very good word for me. Along with its' antonym, sadistic. I am both. I get pleasure from hurting and being hurt. Subconsciously and consciously. I am a complete and total sadomasochist. Not in the unhealthy sense but enough that I hurt myself fairly often. Not always physical hurt and such. Which reminds me, the other day I was in Amanda's tuck and we were talking and I mentioned some of the stuff from my past that has screwed me up. Turns out that I hadn't told her about any of this crap and she thought that my problems (hair-pulling, slashing and such) were all just teen angst things. Stupid, petty cries for help. I'm kinda insulted that she would think that I could be such a wannabe drama freak but I am glad that she now knows that I'm not just some cry-for-help head-case kid. That actually has nothing to do with what I am talking about but I thought I should mention it because something I typed reminded me of that. I feel so confused about what I want. Mostly, I want someone else to tell me what to do right now. And, out of that, I want David to tell me what we should do. I hate having to decide for myself in this situation. But I have to unless I can convince David to decide for me. I want him to. I cannot decide shit when I am as confused as I am now. Anyway, bedtime, good night.

CMaZ
bomb dizzle

I stayed out of school sick yesterday and I know I should have blogged then but I was really actually sick. So now i have a butt load of homework and i am still blogging. Why, you ask? because i love to blog and I want to. David and i are friends again, i think. It's still difficult not to try and beat his ass every time i see him. I scream and kick stuff when i know that nobody can see me. But, over all, it is better. Better than thinking he didnt care about me or anything having to do with me. Not that great of a step up but it is something at least. I need to go out and rent the movie, The Wizard of Oz, for my Sociology class. I missed yesterday when we watched most of the movie. We have to analyze and isolate certain societial traits from the movie. Things like moral orientation, values, norms and mores. Not that hard but all but immpossible if you havent ever seen the movie, like me. Mmm, tomatoe soup and oyster crackers. Mother made me the soup cause I still feel sick. I should stop blogging right here. I have so much homework and I have to watch that movie and I need to check the rest of my email. I have so much to do but I am still just sitting here and blogging. I still have my blog standards to uphold. Such as a minimum of how much I should write. This is not enough yet. Stupid of me to enforce such a standard on my creative and journalistic writing. In other words, i am still procrastinating. Knowing I should go do my homework but still not doing it . . . is this deviant behavior? Perhaps it is . . . perhaps. Seriously though, I do need to go and do that but I feel like I still have something to say. Probably because my head is all full of what to do about David thoughts. And my muted feelings on the events of two years ago. I feel really selfish to be thinking about my personal life on the anniversary that so many other lives were lost. I guess I don't really feel much about anything such as the events of 9/11. I know that this was a terrible tragedy but it honestly does not hit home for me. I see pictures and I hear stories and I know I should feel a lot worse than I do but I don't. I guess i won't understand something as huge as this for a long time. Unless I'm a sociopath and dont understand the pain of others like i should due to a synaptic failure... just a thought...

CMaZ

Ah... I finished making Duy's blog cooler and she slaps me in the face by proclaiming the name of Xanga. *weep*... My god I hate my little fucking sister...she is so stupid and just stole one of my newest and most favored tank tops. Why? because she is a retard. "I didn't know it was hers!' OMY FUCKING GOD! YEAH RIGHT YOU BITCH! You thought you bought it? Jesus.... She always tries to tell me she doesn't copy me and she doesn't try to be like me but she wants my shit? What the fuck? I hate her so much. Ashely won't even trade sisters with me because she knows Annie is a stupid pain in the ass bitch. Annie will whine to mom about how I am mean to her at school but I'm the one who makes sure my friends, who I love more than I love her anyway, don't throw rocks at her. They don't even need to know that Annie is my sister and know my tales of the evil shit she does to me to hate her almost as much as I do. Stupid piece of shit. SHE CAN'T DO ANYTHING! She fucking sucks at guitar too. I tried to be nice to the piece of shit about that but I ended up just not saying anything. God... why do I have to get the stupid posuer piece of HUMAN FUCKING FECAL MATTER sister. And why do I get mad about this shit? Because she tried to justify the stupid shit things she does. I bet she goes out and buys the same shirts I bought. I know she will. Because she has a lack of free thought, she has to do only what someone else has already done. that is just how stupid she is. And I am taking all of this up the butt because I'm still pretty pissed at David. He doesn't try and talk to me he doesn't care that I exist he doesn't mind that I hate him. Inddifference.... Jesus, that hurts from him after how much I thought he cared about me. He wonders why I think he used me. Lately the thought of him having used me is less and less ludicrious. But then Ash keeps telling me that he didn't use me and he still cares and he is just confused as I am. Why is this all so hard. It was supposed to be fun for a while at least. Oh... I am so tempted to put more lyrics in here... but I will not.... This is going to be all my words. I should start my shameless support of myself. My URL everywhere and nobody knowing who I was. Just reading my life everyday and trying to figure it out based on the clues. Funny. I stayed on this late so this girl from my Bio class could IM me about Blogger. She wanted help with all this shizzy. I offered because I'm the one who told her about it. I swear I should get free Blogger Pro for giving them such a good name against all those evil Xanga people. Xanga is so wrong. They control everything you try and do. I like blogger... I can do what I want with it and I don't have all the stiff I can't do rubbed in my face. Like xanga... every where you go "This isn't for you. You don't pay!" It's quite annoying. I could kill. Seriously. Okay, I couldn't, but I can think about it a lot. And hope something dies of natuarl causes sooner because of my thoughts. Oh yeah... I know where I can get a pic of my elfish Bio teacher. His hosted site. I can steal the pic like I did the Everclear one. He even looks elfish in the picture I plan to take. I asked if I could use it and he said yeah, whatever. So I will take that as a yes. Anyway, sleep, it's this thing someone told me about. I think I should try it. Late all

CMaZ

Another set of Everlclear lyrics to explain how I feel in a more musical way. These three guys are the makers of the last three sets of lyrics I have posted. Yeah, I stole the picture from a hosted site. I hope they don't mind me slowing their bandwith. Anyway, back to me. I guess that all is okay between me and David now. I am still so confused though. Yeah, I am in over my head. This is not something I have done before and I kinda just plunged into the most confusing, cloudy, murky waters around. Now, we are just friends. I don't know how to feel about that either. I guess I don't like that so much. I like kissing him, I like being close to him, his smell and his hair. I like him. But now I don't have any of those things anymore. Okay... I was just THINKING about kissing him and i got just a little dizzy. Good dizzy, not the scary-I-think-I'm-gunna-puke dizzy. Yeah, he said he still likes me a few times but he also said that it's over. So it's over. Not my choice at all. I would have wanted to fix what was wrong with our situation. Talk more, if that was what he wanted. I just... I hate the thought of losing some of the pluses we had. First of all, we talked a lot more overall. On the phone almost everynight and we talked on AIM so much it was ridiculous. We're talking on AIM right now, in fact. So, it would seem that, all is resolved and done. Why do I still feel weird? Probably because I am in this way too deep and feel so very rejected and confused. I can't think... can't do anything myself. I tripped out at Mother and broke my door almost in half. I didn't even know I could physically do that. Now I can't even close my door. My toe hurts and I hate being so confused and lost. I'm so stupid sometimes. Almost all the time in fact. I could safely say and provide argument that I am stupid. I wish I had never told anyone about my dream and I wish I had never started all of this and I wish I had transferred to another school when I had the chance.

Out Of My Depth
Out of my depth
Lost in the air
Falling faster
Like a broken elevator

Out of my depth
Lost in the dark
Waiting for the other shoe
To come down hard

I cannot communicate
Like I wish I could

I do not deal with my problems
Like I know I should

I am out of my depth
I am out of my league
Watching everything...just
Slip away from me

Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in over my head

I am in too deep here
over my head

I guess I should keep my
opinions to myself

I guess I am out of my depth

Out of my depth
Right from the start
I feel like I was born
With an invisible heart
Out of my depth
Seems like everyday
I can't find the words
To make the good things
Come my way

I feel like I am faking it
I feel like I am wrong
I feel like I'm a guest
...like I just do not belong

I am out of my depth
Every single day
I just cannot find the words
To make my monsters go away

Something bad is
going to happen
I can feel it deep inside
There are shadows
all around me
Like a bad moon on the rise

I am in too deep here
over my head

I should seek
some professional help

Because I'm out of my depth

Yes, I'm out of my depth

And I am slowly going
out of my mind

Oh, go away
Make them go away
Someday I know
I will make them go away
Make them go away
Make them go away
Someday I know...I will make
my monsters go away

I am in over my head

I should seek
some professional help

I should keep my
opinions to myself

I guess I am out of my depth

I am out of my depth

Yes, I am slowly going
out of my mind

Yeah right

One, two, three, four

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever is the way you want it to be
Nothing even tastes right now that it's over

Break down, shake for me
Don't write words unless you want me to read them
Nothing really matters now that it's over

Maybe we can be friends
Now that we're older
We can have fun like we did in the early days
Now that it's over

Yeah right!

Break down, shake for me
Nothing ever seems the way it ought to be
Nothing ever seems right now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Maybe we can be closer
We can have fun like we did in the old days
Now that it's over

Oh yeah . . .

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
Oh, I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for everything you do

My nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you, yeah yeah

I wish that I could find the words to tell
In the best way possible, you and your friends to go to hell

Yeah right!

Whoa, breakup time is never easy to do
Nothing ever ends the way you want it to
Nothing seems to make sense now that it's over

Yeah, now maybe we can be friends
Yeah, now that you're leaving
You can be nice to me
Maybe I'm dreaming
I am a lot better now than just okay
Maybe I am just waking up in my own way
Now that it's over
Now that it's over

My bad dreams just don't seem the same
Baby without you
I wish you were willing to accept the blame
Yeah, for all the shitty things you do

Nightmares just don't scare me now
Baby without you
I wish that I could find the words to tell
You to politely go fuck yourself
Yeah, now that it's over . . .

"Congratulations. A fetishist and an obsessive. You'll be very happy together."

~Except we are still friends. And all my other friends are his friends too. And we didn’t really have early days. And this was pretty much the only thing he did to me that I could consider shitty. Maybe one more thing. And I can find so much more about what I think about this. We aren't going to be together-minus-the-title now because he said he felt like he had a girlfriend. More lyrics are going to be put up here. A couple of songs are still floating in my mind but this one was the most solid. I am so left out in the cold on this. I tried to be nice and understanding on the phone but it came out self-pityish. And I tried not to sound hurt at all. Fuck, a stupid thing like this can easily swing me to a not so good part of my mind. I guess that is my fault. He had no feelings for me and I had feelings for him. Not a good combo. But he got whatever he wanted out of it so whatever. I can be hurt and he can be ever so happy and well-adjusted while I writhe in anger and confusion and hurt and hate. Hate for my self and a hate for him that I will probably never vocalize. Not so fair of me to say these things about him but as of this moment I am hurt and crying in my room and he is at home looking for a job and probably glad that he ended it. Mom came home after I got off the phone with him and she asked me what’s wrong. I said nothing. She asked if it was a guy or girl who got me upset. I said a guy. She asked if it was David. I said yeah. She said really? I said he ended it and the phone she was looking for was in my laundry hamper because I threw it at that wall. She asked if I was okay. I said yes. She asked if I wanted anything. I said something hard to throw at David. She asked me if he deserved something to be thrown at him. I said no, not really. I can't even say what I want to my mother. It was nice of her to ask but I just want to sit in my room and cry and sulk and play my hate music too loud. And I want to wonder why I did the things I did with him. He obviously didn’t really care about me, why did I put myself out like that? No, I didn’t have sex. I have strong feelings against doing that for quite awhile. But, even so, after all of it he didn’t stop me and say "I don’t think you should do this, we shouldn’t take this that far" or something to let me know he thought of what we in as something less than what I thought of it. It hurts to know now what he saw in me. Which was nothing.

I take your word like it was gospel
I'm so eager to please
Yeah I like it when
You talk to me

It feels so good inside your shadow
(It's the place I need to be)
Yeah I know I need to climb you
Like a tree

There is this place inside
Where all the good things die
Sometimes I feel like a whore
(Sometimes I feel like a whore)

I hate the way I am around you
(I'm so nervous and weird)
Sometimes I feel like I'm
Breathing underwater

You treat me like I am on fire
Like I'm something to eat
You make me hate what I see
When I see me

Yeah I dream of the day
When I learn how to make you pay
Someday I'll teach you to beg
Someday, someday
Yes I live for the day
When I can hear you say
You make me feel like a whore

Yes I dream of the time
When I can make you mine
(Maybe then I'll feel half alive, more
alive, so alive)
There is this place inside
Where all the good things die

You make me feel like a whore

~And he did. Now, after all of this, I feel like I was something for fun. Something to play with and then discard. Nothing important in his eyes. Yeah, I guess maybe I did screw up the best thing I had going for me already. Maybe nobody else will ever want me forever. Not care what anyone else feels. Share all of his thoughts with me and hold conversations with me about anything. Kiss me as long as he can. Never pulls back. I guess I ruined the only thing I was sure I had. I ended it because I have a fear of the future. Great, smooth move. I guess I never realized how good I had it before. I was jealous of the superficial highs school relationships’ Ashley had. And the so-called high school love that Heather has. Not that I should be surprised. Heather and Ashley are both so much better than me. Ashley was David's first choice. I was sorta afterwards. Because he couldn’t have Ashley, he might as well get something from her friend. A little too harsh that was. I think I may have used him in a similar context though. Ashley gets everything. All the guys want her and those who don’t still love her. Nobody can leave Ashley and everybody always wants to hear what she has to say, to hug her and be around her. She is pretty and happy and oh, so perfect in every way that I can't be. And David wanted her, of course. I thought maybe . . . maybe. But of course not. I got dumped and we weren't even together. Pathetic in the most extreme way I can think of. And still I am thrown away. And I won’t bring it up to him. I said sorry for confusing him. This is one of the few occasions I can't be completely straightforward. Rejection. I play it off so many ways. Tomorrow . . . nobody will notice. I will again be the occasional comedian and emotional punching bag. Perhaps, at this point, that is all I am good for. I will have to go through my weekend, happy for my family and then go to school and be happy for everybody else. Nobody wants to hear my woes. There are so much better things to do than to bother with me. Unless you can get something out of it. Self-gain, the reason people hang out with me. Oh well . . . sucks to be me. I can be open about anything but my own hurt because, as I have found out, nobody really cares about me being in pain. Unless they can gain from it or if it is interesting drama. Sure, some of you will read this and think "not me, I really do care and I would never hurt ANYBODY" but you are lying to yourself. David will be thinking he has to fix it or maybe he won't think anything of it at all. He probably doesn’t really care at this point in the game. Why bother? I can sort this out myself. Of course I can. I can lie to myself like everybody else lies to me and tell myself that people care about me and life will smoothy-smooth out and I should just shut up so everyone else can get along with everything else in their lives.

CMaZ

Fourth dimension claustrophobia... I know what this means. I bet this post is all about David.
Hello there. I'm still procrastinating from my bio homework. I'm talking on AIM to everyone. OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! Kelly is talking to me on one of my obscure sn's that I stalked her with. fucking god . . . may she die a slow terrible death. Fucking whore. Oh, thanks to support from Ashley I have the power to use this to my advantage. I will be nice for now . . . then, as she least expects it, I will KILL HER! Well, I was going to do this anyway, but now I can screw with her head at the same time. Always fun as it is so easy. Her mind is so defenseless. So sad. Dude, my posts have not been as long lately. Probably because school and David and the fighting and the dog hearing. The vicious dog hearing for Angel was today. Mother is hella tripping and I don’t know why. Whatever happens, happens now. We can't change things at this point so it is better to just go with whatever turns up. Too bad no one sees things my way. Ah . . . wouldn't the world be great if everyone was me? Maybe not, but since we are on the subject of my greatness . . . I got my STAR scores today in the mail. Aw, man, this is awesome. I got nothing lower than 81st percentile (in Math) and I got a 98th percentile in Language! . Woo hoo! Go me, go me. Really, people should stop making me feel smart or I am going to get as conceited as Fujii. Not a good thing. Fujii can pull it off . . . I cannot. I am far to nice and smart and sweet and humble too. I am so happy about my scores, though. With the grades I get, sometimes I need to remember that I have potential. Sure, people think I am smart for stupid reasons but to see a number telling me that I am intelligent is always a kick. Sometimes it is something I need. To be recognized for that, being good at English. Sometimes I feel lost in the talents of all my friends. Ashley is in honors English, Morgan has graduated and it seems like everyone is already more successful than I am. No, scratch that, everyone IS more successful than I am. And more athletic, attractive and well adjusted. I am left out as the one nobody really wants. Don't argue with me on this one, it will only hurt you more. Dude, Heather, you are right, you have Pieter who loves you so freaking much and pretty much everybody cares about you. Ashley is loved by everyone. Period. She gets all the attention all the perks and she is so attractive I could cry. Not that I hate her for it. I don't, I love Ash and Heather and all the girls who I can never compete with but still love. I would never humiliate myself by trying to compete with these people. I am afraid I am using some of the people close to me to feel wanted. But, even then, I know I am second choice. What a scarily plausible idea. Because I actually didn’t think of it that way until recently. Oh great . . . and now I am listening to depressive alternative music by angry white guys. So sad because I can relate. Recently I have been talking about infidelity quite a bit. I guess I am just a sucker for self induced punishment. And I have thought far too much about what anything means. And Mother is talking about the future to me again recently. I hate that. I cannot even think of what to do next week but I am supposed to outline my life, from here on out, today. Not so fun. . I feel pressed in by time and I do not know how to open the door and step out into my open field. Okay, that was a lot of obscure references so I'll leave it there for you to ponder what I said. Don't worry if you don't get it. Mostly self pity mixed with hormones and insecurity . . .

CMaZ

P.s. I love you all and i swear to god that that will never change. I just hate you all being better than me. Which makes me love you more.

Night all. I have school in the morning and must sleep. But, of course, I love Blog so I have to do one more post before I knock off. Just got off the phone with David and I am IMing Morgan now. I actually did all of my homework for tomorrow. Well, I can finish up those last few sentences in a minute. But, for the most part, I did all my homework. I am so proud. Somebody should give me a cookie or a quarter or something. Well, I am incredibly tired... so I am going to sleep now. Night all.

CMaZ

Okay, I so could not blog because my damn LAN monitor would not work for me. Anyway, I restarted my computer and all was fine. What have I done for my three-day weekend . . . Well, Sunday, I went over to David’s house for a while and he has kindly asked me not to divulge the details’ online. This makes it sound worse than it was but really, I swear it wasn't that that bad. Or am I just saying that so you WON'T think it was that bad . . . you will never know. BWAhahahaha. Well, if you're David, then yeah, I guess you WILL know but everyone else will suffer the curiosity. He he. It was fun. Actually, I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I guess I liked it but . . . there's always a but . . . I dunno. I really don't. I guess I feel like, now, there is no way to end what we have. Not that I want to, I don't. I don’t want to end it but now I am afraid I can't even if I did. Me, Morgan and Ashley were all talking about the guy we hang out with and it felt like they all thought of David as my boyfriend. Scary for me. I don't want a commitment. I don't want another relationship where I pledge the rest of my life to another individual. My life is my own and I worked damn hard for it. I don't want to go out again and tell someone else that they can take all of my life and keep it forever because I "love" them. I don't know how to love. I am only 16 years old. Jebus, nobody my age can know true love. True love is not something you find, it is something you work for and learn to do. I'm so cynical at such a young age. Lol. I would say that maybe I could grow out of it but I have a feeling that it will merely develop more. My cynicism, I mean. I just got back from Ashley's house a little while ago. She was having a Labor Day BBQ. It was quite fun. We almost had a repeat of the cake incident but I was saved by Ashley's Grandma. Ashley tried to stuff an eclair of some sort up my nose. She almost made it too. Thank the lord for her Grandma. I actually spent most of the time wishing David was there so that I could talk to him. Maybe it was best that he wasn't. We usually don't get much talking done when we are together. Not that that's a bad thing either. Just, as always, I am confused. Maybe this is a permanent state of mind for me. Wouldn't that just blow?